concerned about stepson's abusive past and sexuality?...

[Justadad38]

My wife's son has always been a good kid and I've known him since he was 9. He's now 15. Things were mostly ok until this came out. I never approved of his relationship with his dad who is a homosexual and openly lives the lifestyle and has "male partners that live with him. I always felt like this would cause a lot of risk for him but it was out of my control.

Anyhow, a few weeks ago it was found out he's been sexually abused by one of his father's "partners" over the summer. And sadly he has been badly brainwashed. Im concerned for the safety of our daughters. But neither me or my Wife think it's at all a good idea he lives with his dad. but the last thing I want is for him to improperly influence our daughters u don't think here is really a safe place for him or anyone involved. Anyhow advice?

 

[singledad]

I don't have much time to reply now, but I want to say this :
Statistically (and this has been proven, I can try to find the supporting docs again if you want) Gay men are no more likely to abuse children than straight men. So your son has been abused, and the perp happens to be gay. That is tragic, but as long as this man isn't in his father's life anymore, it does not necessarily make his father's place unsafe for him.

Secondly, abused boys are only slightly more likely to become abusers themselves than any other boy, and getting appropriate therapy takes that likelyhood way down. So the odds are he is no threat, and therapy can make those odds overwhelming. So right now :
DON'T do anything that can be interprets as rejection.
DON'T judge him.
DON'T treat him like a freak. He is suffering enough confusion and self - loathing right now. Don't make it worse.

Get him help, and get it from someone who has experience in treating MALE abuse survivors. Trust me - the average rape take councillor is not safe for a male victim.

I'll try to write more later.

 

[Justadad38]

I don't have much time to reply now, but I want to say this :
Statistically (and this has been proven, I can try to find the supporting docs again if you want) Gay men are no more likely to abuse children than straight men. So your son has been abused, and the perp happens to be gay. That is tragic, but as long as this man isn't in his father's life anymore, it does not necessarily make his father's place unsafe for him.

Secondly, abused boys are only slightly more likely to become abusers themselves than any other boy, and getting appropriate therapy takes that likelyhood way down. So the odds are he is no threat, and therapy can make those odds overwhelming. So right now :
DON'T do anything that can be interprets as rejection.
DON'T judge him.
DON'T treat him like a freak. He is suffering enough confusion and self - loathing right now. Don't make it worse.

Get him help, and get it from someone who has experience in treating MALE abuse survivors. Trust me - the average rape take councillor is not safe for a male victim.

I'll try to write more later.

The problem with therapy through this whole process he hasn't been very good since he is in denial and is t cooperative. So like in therapy he doesn't seem to want to help himself. Because like I said he's been badly brainwashed.

He's only had two counseling sessions though so far.

 

[artmom]

Counselling can be a slooooow process.

It doesn't matter if your gay or straight, when you introduce many people into your children's lives there is always an increased chance something will happen to the kids. A more solid argument would be to have your wife focus on the multitude of partners going in and out of their dad's house rather than focusing on his sexuality.
I don't know what you mean by "brainwash". Can you be more specific?

 

[Justadad38]

Counselling can be a slooooow process.

It doesn't matter if your gay or straight, when you introduce many people into your children's lives there is always an increased chance something will happen to the kids. A more solid argument would be to have your wife focus on the multitude of partners going in and out of their dad's house rather than focusing on his sexuality.
I don't know what you mean by "brainwash". Can you be more specific?

thung about the father is he wasn't quick to report it. He broke up with him but he was slow to alerting the authorities. And our son has made attempts to try to see this person still. He wont cooperate with the investigation. He doesn't think of what happened to him as abuse because he was manipulated. That's what I meant by brainwashed.

 

[singledad]

So in other words, the scumbag groomed him until he believed that what happened was a love affair...

All I can say is to keep him in therapy. A good councillor would hopefully be able to get through to him in time... Artmom is right though -
therapy is a slow process. Be patient. Don't give up too soon!

Also - find out what the statute of limitations is on molestation where you live, and record the details of exactly what happened. He may not be ready to press charges now, but in a few years he may feel differently...

 

[Justadad38]

So in other words, the scumbag groomed him until he believed that what happened was a love affair...

All I can say is to keep him in therapy. A good councillor would hopefully be able to get through to him in time... Artmom is right though -
therapy is a slow process. Be patient. Don't give up too soon!

Also - find out what the statute of limitations is on molestation where you live, and record the details of exactly what happened. He may not be ready to press charges now, but in a few years he may feel differently...

He says he's a homosexual as well and that it was consensual etc. His cooperation isn't needed since it was found out through texts. But he's really been affected by it but doesn't want to believe it. And it's caused more conflict than anything because he is angry about it and doesn't agree with how this has been handled. It's hard to help someone heal who doesn't want to heal themselves. And I feel like this makes him dangerous in both situations. Because of the damage done.

 

[singledad]

He says he's a homosexual as well and that it was consensual etc.

That is actually quite normal. He may be gay or he may just be confused as a result of the abuse. There really is no way you can know for sure right now. I would not make too big a deal of it yet. If you can convince him to keep seeing (and cooperating with) his therapist, he/she could help him figure it out.

His cooperation isn't needed since it was found out through texts. But he's really been affected by it but doesn't want to believe it. And it's caused more conflict than anything because he is angry about it and doesn't agree with how this has been handled. It's hard to help someone heal who doesn't want to heal themselves.

I can see how that would make it hard. Fortunately he is underage, so you can make him go to therapy. Unfortunately, no one can make him cooperate with said therapist. The best you can hope for is that the therapist can get through to him in time.

And I feel like this makes him dangerous in both situations. Because of the damage done.

I am struggling to see how he is dangerous? If you fear that he will abuse your daughters in turn, I've already explained that the risk is no where near as high as it is commonly believed to be. What other danger is there?

 

[TabascoNatalie]

What is his mother thinking???
Anyone with a sane mind would take that kid and move to a different planet!
That father and his partner should be put behind bars. Consensual??? Seriously? The kid was way below the age of consent. If it was not violent or coercive, doesn't mean it wasn't a crime!

 

[singledad]

What is his mother thinking???
Anyone with a sane mind would take that kid and move to a different planet!
That father and his partner should be put behind bars. Consensual??? Seriously? The kid was way below the age of consent. If it was not violent or coercive, doesn't mean it wasn't a crime!

Yes, the partner should be put behind bars. As for the father - we don't know why he delayed reporting it. It could be that he wanted to protect his lover, in which case you're right. Or if could be that his son begged him not to.

Sexual grooming is a terrible thing. A pedophile often "seduces" an impressionable child to the point where the child actually believes it is consensual. That is why statutory rape laws are necessary - because the child is no match for the predator, and the child won't recognise what happened as rape until much later. And in the case of male-on-male abuse, you can imagine how confusing that would be for a straight boy, or a gay boy who hasn't explored his sexuality yet...

 

[Justadad38]

Yes, the partner should be put behind bars. As for the father - we don't know why he delayed reporting it. It could be that he wanted to protect his lover, in which case you're right. Or if could be that his son begged him not to.

Sexual grooming is a terrible thing. A pedophile often "seduces" an impressionable child to the point where the child actually believes it is consensual. That is why statutory rape laws are necessary - because the child is no match for the predator, and the child won't recognise what happened as rape until much later. And in the case of male-on-male abuse, you can imagine how confusing that would be for a straight boy, or a gay boy who hasn't explored his sexuality yet...

no he did it because he didn't want to look bad. And my W and he have an agreement that he won't see him only on special occasions. But not regularly anymore. But no legal steps have been taken as they've reached an agreement.