Confronting an Adult Child...

[pancras]

Well, you certainly should not do what does not work for you. It would be dumb to use this "technique" in all circumstances.

You can call anything that deliberately influences anyone "manipulation", which would mean that the only moral parents are the ones that have no influence. Good news, there seem to be lots of moral parents out there!

I was echoing GrandpaLarry when I used the term "manipulation" and we we talking about kids that manipulate their parents, not the other way around.

 

[GrandpaLarry]

I see my GK's about twice a year for at least a long weekend. I stay with them and am 100% part of the family. I was there for 4 days last fall and things had radically changed. The two older children were out of control and frightened. As long as they were awake there was always a crisis going on, always on the theme of manipulation through bad behavior. Both parents were oblivious to what was going on. I was shocked. I looked forward to ending the visit and returning home(never before). When I returned I called my PhD daughter and she was well aware and agreed with me on every observation. It is my opinion that children need consequences and structure in balance with the rest of their rearing. I am not a strict disciplinarian. In my opinion the toy story should have been resolved by explaining to the 7 yo that she would have to wait until Mom returned from the airport to have her new toy. In the meantime she has two choices: either continue with her tantrum away from the family or join the rest of the family and play. I realize that my way is harder but it helps children learn that they have choices.
I don't see any way out for me but to confront my daughter and son in law and your responses in general confirm what I have been told by many others- poor prognosis. I'd love to use positive example and suggestion but that has never worked with her from the start. For me it's my GK's future and I need to try to minimize the bad lessons they are getting if I can. Thanks for all your input.

 

[Xero]

This is not what I did. I did not tell the kid to try broccoli or any other food. I did not tell the kid that brocolli or any other food was good. I did not say one word to the kid about broccoli before he started eating brocolli. What I did was have a conversation about the brocoli with <I>other people at the table who were eating broccoli</I>. When the kid stated eating broccoli, the dad told me he did not want the kid to eat all of the serving that he had put on his plate.

I guess everyone misunderstood what I was talking about when I said that I encouraged the kid to eat broccoli.

Okay, well you specifically said "I did have a parent tell me to stop encouraging his kid to eat the broccoli on the kid's plate", so if you did nothing to the kid then what were you told to stop doing exactly? That statement to me says that you were saying something directly to the kid about eating his broccoli (or in some other roundabout way, whatever, either way you were interacting with the kid over broccoli). Can you explain what you were told to stop doing if you weren't "encouraging" the kid like you told us you were?

Anyway, you were talking to everyone else at the table about them eating their broccoli? lol See, to me that is an awkward scene being caused on my child's behalf that is probably making everyone feel weird. Like I said, the parents probably weren't fond of all the unnecessary attention, and just wanted to eat in peace. You were making a strange scene and involving the whole table based around this kid eating. I mean, who does that? Centers an entire dinner gathering around a child eating his vegetables? Who cares? It was a family dinner, not a child psychology session.

And are you really trying to tell me that this person looked at his child and specifically told him not to eat the rest of his broccoli? lol That's what you are saying this parent did?? He said "do not eat your broccoli"?

GrandpaLarry - They may not be the easiest options, but they are the only good ones. Confronting her about the way you think she should parent is not going to work, most likely she will just get mad and push you away and nothing will change anyway. It is not worth it. If the kids are being harmed, call CPS. If not, then suggest and make examples. Otherwise it really isn't your business or your responsibility. You had your chance to raise your children, and now it's her turn to raise hers.

Edited to add: SD - My oldest is the EXACT same way, if you say anything that makes him think you WANT him to eat a certain food, he's automatically out lol. I have to answer the same way or it's all over "it's broccoli". haha

 

[cybele]

Larry, going to be honest, I think you are setting yourself up for no longer being invited to spend long weekends.

I think both you and your PHD daughter (why do you keep calling her that? I don't call my best friend my 'PHD friend') need to butt out. You had your turn to raise children how you saw fit, I don't know your other daughter's family situation, but it's still not her children to raise. Leave your daughter alone, she isn't doing anything hugely detrimental to the children, and if it is a case of something you have only noticed once, at your most recent four day visit in 7 years of your eldest grandchild being alive, then there is a good chance that there are external factors that you are not aware of.

 

[singledad]

Well, you certainly should not do what does not work for you.

Exactly. Which is why you should stay out of parenting other people's children. You don't know what may or may not work for them, or what the parents will agree or disagree with and, besides, you don't know the back-story. And this is where we get back on topic -

Larry, I agree with cybele on this - that fact that it was something that seemed to change within the space of a few months, there may very well be other, unknown factors contributing to both your grandchild's behaviour, and her mother's reaction to it.

I understand how frustrating it can be - I have had occasions where I itched to do something about what I considered bad behaviour from other people's kids, but the truth is, it simply isn't your place to do it. If they were doing something that you believed to be abusive, my answer would be very different from this, but her being over-lenient is just not something that you can really do anything about. I'm sorry, I know this isn't the answer you wanted, but it is my honest opinion.

Edit to add - I will be taking some of the posts from this thread to a new thread, to avoid hijacking this one further.