My daughter is almost 19. She is home for the summer after her first year at college. Now that she has had a taste of freedom and independence living at the dorm, she is pushing back a lot at home. For the most part, I don't interfere in her business. She goes out with friends and does her own thing but I draw the line at certain things. For one thing she had a male friend over and hung out with him in a separate private part of the house. Didn't introduce him to me or my husband. I was not comfortable with that but she really thinks that since she's an adult, i can't tell her what to do tho I told her boys can not stay over...her girlfriends can but not boys. I'm old fashioned and religious. She does not agree with my views and thinks I'm way too traditional but I was raised to be respectful of the family home. The other thing is she dresses very provocatively. I understand she wants to look trendy but these very short shorts and low cut tops are over the top. When I tell her how inappropriate her outfits are she flips out. I tell her it's not smart to dress that way because people will get the wrong idea. I don't know how much I can say or do about that. I tell her for her safety she really should wear more appropriate clothing. I mean why wear shorts so short her cheeks are showing..She is very obsessed with Beyonce, cardi b, and their videos are obscene. Should I intervene in the way she dresses? She uses her own money she saved up from working. I just feel sick at how much she changed! She used to be very well mannered and respectful and go to church. Now with social media and all the influences she has really changed. Also, I hate the language she uses now. I don't curse but she really does. I tell her to watch her mouth and she says she doesn't care. She plays the "I'm 18" card. What would you do? I'm so hurt
Daughter has really changed...
- Thread starter funny_home
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Hi Humblemom. I completely understand your viewpoint. I went through similar issues with my daughter. In my opinion, once she is an adult (18) there are some things you need to allow her to decide simply because she is an adult. However, you never give up your right to share your opinion. The way I always did it was if what she did affected me, I could say no. However I always shared my opinion on who I did or didn't like and why and my opinion about what she wore. I made sure she knew they were my opinions, she had the final say, but I at least expected her to listen to me respectfully.
For example, having boys spend the night. If your rule is that it can't be done in your home, that's your rule and she needs to abide by it if she wants to live in your home. However, she should have the right to stay at his house over night or go to a hotel.
The clothes. It really doesn't affect you. You should have the right to share your opinion, but she should have the right to wear HER clothes on HER body. Doesn't mean you should be expected to buy these clothes for her, but if she is buying them with her own money, the clothes are hers.
Language. I would again say that if it happens within your home, you make the rules. But when in public, she should have the right to decide what comes out of her own mouth. Again, you should have the right to share your opinion, but she should then have the right to do her thing.
Remember, in the end, she will suffer the negative consequences. However, my guess is she is simply pushing to see where the boundaries are and experimenting. Be firm about exactly where the boundaries are (but be fair.) Allow her to experiment but suffer natural consequences.
For example, having boys spend the night. If your rule is that it can't be done in your home, that's your rule and she needs to abide by it if she wants to live in your home. However, she should have the right to stay at his house over night or go to a hotel.
The clothes. It really doesn't affect you. You should have the right to share your opinion, but she should have the right to wear HER clothes on HER body. Doesn't mean you should be expected to buy these clothes for her, but if she is buying them with her own money, the clothes are hers.
Language. I would again say that if it happens within your home, you make the rules. But when in public, she should have the right to decide what comes out of her own mouth. Again, you should have the right to share your opinion, but she should then have the right to do her thing.
Remember, in the end, she will suffer the negative consequences. However, my guess is she is simply pushing to see where the boundaries are and experimenting. Be firm about exactly where the boundaries are (but be fair.) Allow her to experiment but suffer natural consequences.
I would try asking her are there any Christian organizations at school that she could get involved in and if she's checked into those. Helping her get connected again might do more than anything. There are so many college students who are making good choices and following some of those sites on social media and having a Christian mentor might help. I went to a Christian event for high school seniors and college students where there were 65,000 students at the event in Atlanta, GA this year (you can look it up). Buy her Sadie Robertson's new book also. Anything you can do to help her make her own good choices while also letting her know how you feel might help.
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I am facing similar issues with my 19 year old daughter, who just went to college. She was a respectful and loving daughter, but she got caught up with the college "way" of things. She is into risky promiscuous sex, takes weeds. This has scared us. We have tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't see anything wrong in all that. She has been dumped by guys, sexually assaulted while drunk, but continues her behavior, Sometimes, I think she is deranged. We are paying for her fees and other expense. We dont want to stop that as we worry she may run away into selling drugs, etc. Any parent has any useful tips?
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