I tried finding advice by reading other stories, to no avail, there is no story like mine that I've yet to read. Please HELP! I'm 30 years old, mother of 3 girls ages 7, 9, 11. I am a bit of a strict parent. I have high expectations of my kids (good grades, do chores, be polite, be independent, etc). My kids sometimes refer to me as "the grouch" and "meany" BUT it's all out of love, they all get straight A's, are polite, well mannered kids. Anyways.. I've been with my BF for 3 1/2 years. I left and divorced my husband FOR HIM, he promised to "take care of me and my kids". He has 2 kids boy 7 and girl 9. The first 6 months or so we dated he seen his kids every other weekend, and was perfectly fine with this as it was all about me it seemed. My divorce was final fairly quickly, his drug on for almost 2 years. Because he was still married his attorney advised him to "live with his mom and not the girlfriend" to look better in court if it came to that. He is very much a mamas boy, and I did know this, but BOY did it get worse once he separated from his ex wife. About a year or so into the relationship his mom pressured him into fighting for half custody (she actually wanted full custody but knew it would be a waste of time, praise Jesus that didn't happen) anyways.. because of the fact he 'technically' lived with his mommy, THEY decided 50% was what THEY wanted(she even went to attorney appointments with him like his little wifey), and SHE agreed to help him, even remodeled her house so kids had a bedroom. He got 50% custody (AND still has to pay $300/month child support and agreed to pay insurance for both kids!!!).. fast forward a few months later.. once papers were signed he moved in with me. The 50% was already said and done, I had no say in it, no voice, no opinion, nothing.. I'm supposed to 'just deal with it'. Well I CAN'T. I'm going crazy. His kids have different mannerisms than mine. They don't have chores, no expectations, always play xbox, always needy, up our ass, always 'bored' or hungry, always leave lights on, pout if daddy isn't paying attention to them 24/7, they get bad grades (I swear they are mentally retarded, very dumb, 7 year old can't wipe own ass, 9 year old can't do simple math that my 7 year old can easily (9-7=__). I apologize if my story is all over the place, I just have so many issues. His mom calls EVERY night, texts every day asks how day is how is work love you goodnight.. ok THAT'S MY JOB!! I'm his woman!! This year he has a job that requires him to be out of town a lot. I can't help but to actually enjoy this just for the simple fact that as long as he's not here neither are his kids. BUT.. on the days he's supposed to have them they go to my BF's mommy's. I don't know which would be worse.. me taking them in my home while he's gone or the fact that they go to his mom's like she's his wifey taking care of things for him while out of town. Personally the fkn kids should be at their moms house if the dad is out of town, but noooo, nobody will listen to me. The custody is whack it goes Week 1- Wednesday, Thursday. Week 2- Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday. It's ridiculous and basically feels like full time (before he started working out of town of course and was actually home all the time and they were here on scheduled days). So let's add a little more drama.. I'M PREGNANT! The house we live in is MINE, I got it in MY divorce. My ex husband and I worked hard to get this house for MY kids. But before I got pregnant, I had already taken 2 of y kids and shoved them in the same room just so his kids could have a room together in the house. Well now that I'm pregnant and he's always out of town and his kids haven't been here in like 2 months.. I took their bed out and made it babies room. There's a crib in there diaper table, rocking chair etc. NO space for his kids to have a bed. One night after room was turned into baby room, his kids stayed the night and they slept on 2 mattresses that we laid on the floor in BABIES room. They didn't say anything negative about it.. yet the next day they go to grandmas and all of a sudden she calls BF up and says "How could you break your kids heart like that, how dare you allow your girlfriend to throw them out of their own room for the baby that's not even here yet, you broke their hearts and they are bawling their eyes out". Mind you him and I agreed the mattress thing would due just fine, but now all of a sudden I'm the bad guy and he got into it with me that the mattresses aren't acceptable and they need their own bed and space etc. WTF?!?! This ISN'T their home! My kids (including baby not born yet) live here FULL TIME and I'm tired of already shoving my kids in corners to accommodate these whiny brats whom I don't even want here in the first place. So he's been gone for work for over a month now and is supposed to be home this Wednesday (conveniently on a custody night of his) so I am full of anxiety about this, literally can't sleep. All I can think about is OMG he has't been here in weeks is he gonna bring them the first night he gets back!? It's also supposed to be his weekend this weekend. My kids will be going to their dads, it's supposed to be my kid free weekend (although my ex has been taking them every weekend lately, not in custody but I allow it) mainly because now that BF is out of town so much, I get so overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and NEED that break. My ex is very understanding and works with me so he's just trying to help by giving me a break. So when the hell are me and BF supposed to have US time? When do I get a damn break from kids? I have told him numerous times that the weekend is one thing but that I DO NOT want extra kids here on school nights during week because it puts more stress on me, and also messes up MY KIDS' routine I worked so hard to establish. Just one of many example of this is my kids' bedtime is 8 p.m., TV off at 8:30. MUST go to bathroom around 8 (I accept later as long as it's before TV off time at 8:30 and isn't made a habit). BUT every night his kids are here they both take turns going in and out of bathroom, some nights it'll be 3-4 times each and at like almost 10 at night, and don't shut bathroom light off. One night it was so bad that my oldest came out half asleep and was like "what is going on out here what's all the ruckess?" which led to my other 2 kids coming out "mom why is every still up?" I'm like "omg, everyone needs to lay the **** down now!" So I get angry at my kids even though it's his dumb kids that started it. What makes it worse is when I get mad, BF just makes excuses and exceptions like "well would you rather them pee in the bed?" or "lights on doesn't really make your electric bill higher, I'll just pay the electric bill to shut you up". It's not even about the damn money or the bill, or the life of the light bulb for that matter. It's the simple fact that your kids are worthless and can't do anything even simple tasks such as shutting off lights because everyone does everything for them and has no expectations of them. And it's a rule, don't care how stupid you think my rule is, it's a rule that my kids seem to do just fine with, and if they ever didn't obey the rule they'd get whipped. But no not his kids, I get undermined while they get high fived. Real quick.. wanted to add a few more inconveniences of having extra kids on school nights.. for one, it's harder to plan dinner, we're talking about feeding 7 people as opposed to 5. We don't get food stamps for these 2 kids, pay child support instead of receiving it, so feeding 2 extra mouths puts a strain on us financially and mentally. Also, I take my kids' education VERY seriously so when 5 kids come rolling in the door with homework and 20 questions about this and that, it takes lots of attention away from my kids and their homework because his kids are so dumb they need EXTRA EXTRA attention had on them for homework and basically everything for that matter. After months of retraining my 2 younger kids to not play xbox (because they learned this from his kids), his kids come in and immediately turn on xbox (and my kids aren't allowed) so how is that fair? My kids have chores, his doesn't, and even when he attempts to make them do chores they just stand around like idiots until he comes in and holds their hand for it. By the time all the homework, dinner, and chores are done.. it's time for baths because 8 o clock is coming up fast.. do we have enough towels? I dunno, 7 towels times 2 days in a row, by day 2 uhm no we don't. Oh and now everyone has like 5 minutes to wash their body and hair and hurry the hell out so everyone can get a bath in. My kids (esp my oldest) loves to soak in the bath and relax, not to be rushed, she's in middle school now and kinda does her own thing. She dreads when they are here for many reasons but one mainly being that my BF always rushes her out of the bathroom on behalf of his kids needing a bath. Once TV is off my kids will be passed out and I can hear his kids arguing, kicking, hollering "stop it, MOVE, quit it I'm telling!" sometimes for over an hour!! Ok, sorry this is so long.. I'll leave this at a stopping point and wait for some responses but there is much more, that's just the jist of it.
Desperate for advice. BF has 50% custody and ruining my life....
- Thread starter hotshot15
- Start date
I'm sorry, I could only get to the part where you found out you were pregnant and I had enough of reading this mess. But in my scrolling down to the comment box I did see you call his children "worthless".
When you date someone with children they come as a package. Your boyfriend's children come with your boyfriend. You're the one who ended your marriage for a new boyfriend, you knew already that he had kids, hey, if anything happens to their mother then they are with him full time, none of this was a secret to you, this is just common sense.
All this "I'm his woman" crap, grow up. His responsibilities are to his children first, girlfriends second. Same way that your responsibility is your children first and your boyfriend second.
You dug yourself into this hole, the only thing that is going to get you out of it is a change in your own attitude.
When you date someone with children they come as a package. Your boyfriend's children come with your boyfriend. You're the one who ended your marriage for a new boyfriend, you knew already that he had kids, hey, if anything happens to their mother then they are with him full time, none of this was a secret to you, this is just common sense.
All this "I'm his woman" crap, grow up. His responsibilities are to his children first, girlfriends second. Same way that your responsibility is your children first and your boyfriend second.
You dug yourself into this hole, the only thing that is going to get you out of it is a change in your own attitude.
This was very hard to read. Not because of the length, but because of how much bitterness you have towards children whom are already dealing with a difficult situation. Children are a package deal. You are not forced to be in a relationship. You don't have to have anyone staying in your home. But please see that you are hurting someone you presumably love and that children of the person you presumably love.
Why are you taking it out on his kids? Not every kid is alike. You say they have bad grades. From what I read and your expectations, I could just as well assume anything under an A is a bad grade. I have a step-mom that is like that. She has zero consideration that I have dyslexia and also criticized my skin and has no consideration that I have ichthyosis, which is a skin disorder. I'm giving this example in hopes that you see yourself through the window. Sure, be strict, but you should concentrate on your own kids and, at the very least, just accept that your boyfriends kids are different and don't fret about them.
It appears you have met your boyfriend while you were still married, as you stated you got a divorce to be with your boyfriend just because he said he would take care of you.
You have a big issue with your boyfriend and his mom spending time with each other and keeping in touch.
You have stated, LOUDLY, many times that you want your boyfriend to yourself and no one else. Not even his kids are welcome, it seems.
You have your own kids whom you micromanage and raise to be trophy kids, but you want to be able to dictate how other kids are being raised.
You go as far as, pretty much disowning his kids.
You have no sympathy or recognition of your boyfriends feelings or anyone else.
I'm no psychologist but I've did some extensive research on narcissism and you sounding a lot like a narcissist.
It's hard picture to look at, I know. I understand you may be very angered to read this reply, but I am feeling pretty angry and I'm experiencing traumatizing flashbacks from what I had to go through with narcissists in my life.
I don't even know why you take issue with who your boyfriend's kids stay with when he's out of town. If their grandmother wants to spend time with them, then let be.
You must realize that you are not married to your boyfriend. You have no say in his custody agreements whatsoever. You have zero say in when he can and cannot see his kids. Who do you think you are. You are not his wife and the way you are treating your relationship with him and his family chances are very slim you will ever be his wife. If you don't calm down, you will find yourself alone and a single parent with kids from 2 different dads.
Reading some more here. You shout and swear at your kids out of frustration over other kids? You're going to get an ulcer or something. You seriously need to be strict with yourself, in terms of teaching yourself to manage your stress and anger and being more disciplined in how you react in irking situations.
Did you ever try to get to know his kids? Or ask why they do the things they do or can't do what you think they should do?
Maybe they leave the light on because they are afraid of the dark. Me and my daughter are both uneasy in the dark and sleep with a lamp on. Have for years. I used to curl up to my nightlight when I was a teen.
To call kids worthless is telling of the type of person you are inside.
YOU WHIP YOUR KIDS? You do realize that is child abuse, right? No wonder your kids seem perfect. I don't think that is necessarily a good, normal thing when kids are too flawless. They must be just too scared to make a mistake. I wonder how much of their character is suppressed.
No one here wants to hear you complaining and whining about having 7 kids to take care of. I think there is a number of parents on here that have 7 kids all their own and would NEVER call any of their kids "dumb" for not knowing something. That's why kids are in school: to learn. If they knew the information already then there wouldn't be any need for school. I needed a lot of tutoring and extra help and time to do homework and tests and your judgements bring up, again, some very real negative flashbacks as to how some other kids made me feel.
That comes to my next point. You are sounding no better nor smarter than the bullies that I have come across in my life. You say that education is important? You use the word "dumb" to describe kids who need help, yet, the very definition of "dumb" is unable to speak. If your boyfriend's kids are speaking up that they need help they sure are not dumb.
You have no willingness to compromise or understand with your boyfriend.
You seem very unhappy in this relationship, unsupportive of each other and hating this new family. Perhaps you would be better off alone. But I guess that's what happens when you gamble with relationships.
Why are you taking it out on his kids? Not every kid is alike. You say they have bad grades. From what I read and your expectations, I could just as well assume anything under an A is a bad grade. I have a step-mom that is like that. She has zero consideration that I have dyslexia and also criticized my skin and has no consideration that I have ichthyosis, which is a skin disorder. I'm giving this example in hopes that you see yourself through the window. Sure, be strict, but you should concentrate on your own kids and, at the very least, just accept that your boyfriends kids are different and don't fret about them.
It appears you have met your boyfriend while you were still married, as you stated you got a divorce to be with your boyfriend just because he said he would take care of you.
You have a big issue with your boyfriend and his mom spending time with each other and keeping in touch.
You have stated, LOUDLY, many times that you want your boyfriend to yourself and no one else. Not even his kids are welcome, it seems.
You have your own kids whom you micromanage and raise to be trophy kids, but you want to be able to dictate how other kids are being raised.
You go as far as, pretty much disowning his kids.
You have no sympathy or recognition of your boyfriends feelings or anyone else.
I'm no psychologist but I've did some extensive research on narcissism and you sounding a lot like a narcissist.
It's hard picture to look at, I know. I understand you may be very angered to read this reply, but I am feeling pretty angry and I'm experiencing traumatizing flashbacks from what I had to go through with narcissists in my life.
I don't even know why you take issue with who your boyfriend's kids stay with when he's out of town. If their grandmother wants to spend time with them, then let be.
You must realize that you are not married to your boyfriend. You have no say in his custody agreements whatsoever. You have zero say in when he can and cannot see his kids. Who do you think you are. You are not his wife and the way you are treating your relationship with him and his family chances are very slim you will ever be his wife. If you don't calm down, you will find yourself alone and a single parent with kids from 2 different dads.
Reading some more here. You shout and swear at your kids out of frustration over other kids? You're going to get an ulcer or something. You seriously need to be strict with yourself, in terms of teaching yourself to manage your stress and anger and being more disciplined in how you react in irking situations.
Did you ever try to get to know his kids? Or ask why they do the things they do or can't do what you think they should do?
Maybe they leave the light on because they are afraid of the dark. Me and my daughter are both uneasy in the dark and sleep with a lamp on. Have for years. I used to curl up to my nightlight when I was a teen.
To call kids worthless is telling of the type of person you are inside.
YOU WHIP YOUR KIDS? You do realize that is child abuse, right? No wonder your kids seem perfect. I don't think that is necessarily a good, normal thing when kids are too flawless. They must be just too scared to make a mistake. I wonder how much of their character is suppressed.
No one here wants to hear you complaining and whining about having 7 kids to take care of. I think there is a number of parents on here that have 7 kids all their own and would NEVER call any of their kids "dumb" for not knowing something. That's why kids are in school: to learn. If they knew the information already then there wouldn't be any need for school. I needed a lot of tutoring and extra help and time to do homework and tests and your judgements bring up, again, some very real negative flashbacks as to how some other kids made me feel.
That comes to my next point. You are sounding no better nor smarter than the bullies that I have come across in my life. You say that education is important? You use the word "dumb" to describe kids who need help, yet, the very definition of "dumb" is unable to speak. If your boyfriend's kids are speaking up that they need help they sure are not dumb.
You have no willingness to compromise or understand with your boyfriend.
You seem very unhappy in this relationship, unsupportive of each other and hating this new family. Perhaps you would be better off alone. But I guess that's what happens when you gamble with relationships.
Well, I found it hard to read, mostly because the OP seems to prefer giant walls of text above paragraphs...
ANYWAY.
I have a number of question, but the first and the most important is this - Do you love your boyfriend? I have to ask, because they way you talk about him and your actions toward him makes me doubt that you do.
If you love someone, you want what's best for him, above what is best for yourself. What is best for him as a father, and best for his kids, is to spend time together and for him to be an active father. But you refuse to support him in that. In fact, you do the opposite. And then, to top that, you resent his mother stepping into the void and giving him the support he's not getting from you.
Oh, and then you also resent his kids staying with their grandmother? What is wrong with that? What business is it of yours anyway? Doesn't his ex also deserve the "kid-free time" that you are bitching about?
As others have pointed out - being in a relationship with a parent is a package deal. He has 50% custody. That makes his home his children's home. And if his home is your home, then your home is his children's home, and they deserve to have a room there to sleep in. Making them feel unwelcome in the home where they LIVE 50% of the time, is cruel and unwarrented. Really, it's like something an evil stepmother out of a Grimm brothers fairytail would do... (You know, even if they were just living there on weekends, your home would still be their part-time HOME, in which they would still deserve to have a place to sleep that is theirs.)
Yes, having 7 people in a house must be inconvenient. But here's the thing - you CHOSE that. You KNEW you had five kids between you when you left your husband for him. If you didn't consider that his kids would live with you at least part time, then.. well. I don't know what to say. Did yo hope that your boyfriend would become a dead-beat dad to his kids? Is that the kind of man you want to be with?
Let me put it this way - Kids don't ask to be part of a family. Parents chose to have kids. Even if the the pregnancy was unplanned, you still CHOOSE to keep the kid and bring him/her up. Therefor, decent people aren't mean/judgemental/demeaning/creal to kids just because they are in a relationship with their dad and selfishly doesn't want to share said dad with his children. Kids grow up and leave the home. In a few years, you can have him all to yourself. In the meantime, I suggest you either grow up, accept that being a step parent requires sacrifices and start working WITH your boyfriend to find a way to manage your combined family better, or get out of the relationship.
ANYWAY.
I have a number of question, but the first and the most important is this - Do you love your boyfriend? I have to ask, because they way you talk about him and your actions toward him makes me doubt that you do.
If you love someone, you want what's best for him, above what is best for yourself. What is best for him as a father, and best for his kids, is to spend time together and for him to be an active father. But you refuse to support him in that. In fact, you do the opposite. And then, to top that, you resent his mother stepping into the void and giving him the support he's not getting from you.
Oh, and then you also resent his kids staying with their grandmother? What is wrong with that? What business is it of yours anyway? Doesn't his ex also deserve the "kid-free time" that you are bitching about?
As others have pointed out - being in a relationship with a parent is a package deal. He has 50% custody. That makes his home his children's home. And if his home is your home, then your home is his children's home, and they deserve to have a room there to sleep in. Making them feel unwelcome in the home where they LIVE 50% of the time, is cruel and unwarrented. Really, it's like something an evil stepmother out of a Grimm brothers fairytail would do... (You know, even if they were just living there on weekends, your home would still be their part-time HOME, in which they would still deserve to have a place to sleep that is theirs.)
Yes, having 7 people in a house must be inconvenient. But here's the thing - you CHOSE that. You KNEW you had five kids between you when you left your husband for him. If you didn't consider that his kids would live with you at least part time, then.. well. I don't know what to say. Did yo hope that your boyfriend would become a dead-beat dad to his kids? Is that the kind of man you want to be with?
Let me put it this way - Kids don't ask to be part of a family. Parents chose to have kids. Even if the the pregnancy was unplanned, you still CHOOSE to keep the kid and bring him/her up. Therefor, decent people aren't mean/judgemental/demeaning/creal to kids just because they are in a relationship with their dad and selfishly doesn't want to share said dad with his children. Kids grow up and leave the home. In a few years, you can have him all to yourself. In the meantime, I suggest you either grow up, accept that being a step parent requires sacrifices and start working WITH your boyfriend to find a way to manage your combined family better, or get out of the relationship.
His kids have different mannerisms than mine. They don't have chores, no expectations, always play xbox, always needy, up our ass, always 'bored' or hungry, always leave lights on, pout if daddy isn't paying attention to them 24/7, they get bad grades (I swear they are mentally retarded, very dumb, 7 year old can't wipe own ass, 9 year old can't do simple math that my 7 year old can easily[/quote]<FONT font="verdana">
This is a very disrespect ful way to talk about his children. I am not saying this to put you down because you're obviously in distress and at your end of the rope. Just making an observation... what you say here reflects how you feel about his kids, and it's a sad, sad thing.
[/FONT][/COLOR]I'm tired of already shoving my kids in corners to accommodate these whiny brats whom I don't even want here in the first place.[/quote]<FONT font="verdana">
That's the whole point. You don't want his kids, period. And they might not be as "dumb" as you make them out to be. If you don't want them, they most likely know that.
[/FONT][/COLOR]When do I get a damn break from kids?[/quote]<FONT font="verdana">
Never. He has kids, you have kids, being a parent is a full time commitment.
For your own sake, and for his kid's sake, you either need to learn to adopt a completely different and more positive attitude towards his kids (if it's not too late), or you need to get out of this relationship. Not only do you make your own life difficult by concentrating on how "worthless", "dumb" and "ill mannered" his kids are, I am certain that this attitude is very difficult on them too, whether they show it or not.
Removing them from the baby's room was probably just another confirmation to them that you're not at all interested in accommodating them. You can't hide this kind of feelings from kids.
The only way to deal with this situation is to create positive thoughts. Don't concentrate on what you think they do wrong. Instead, concentrate on the things you like in them. If the answer is "I don't like anything about them" then please please get out of that relationship and give these boys a chance to grow up without hostility. I feel bad for both, you and these boys.
Best of luck in resolving this.
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This is a very disrespect ful way to talk about his children. I am not saying this to put you down because you're obviously in distress and at your end of the rope. Just making an observation... what you say here reflects how you feel about his kids, and it's a sad, sad thing.
[/FONT][/COLOR]I'm tired of already shoving my kids in corners to accommodate these whiny brats whom I don't even want here in the first place.[/quote]<FONT font="verdana">
That's the whole point. You don't want his kids, period. And they might not be as "dumb" as you make them out to be. If you don't want them, they most likely know that.
[/FONT][/COLOR]When do I get a damn break from kids?[/quote]<FONT font="verdana">
Never. He has kids, you have kids, being a parent is a full time commitment.
For your own sake, and for his kid's sake, you either need to learn to adopt a completely different and more positive attitude towards his kids (if it's not too late), or you need to get out of this relationship. Not only do you make your own life difficult by concentrating on how "worthless", "dumb" and "ill mannered" his kids are, I am certain that this attitude is very difficult on them too, whether they show it or not.
Removing them from the baby's room was probably just another confirmation to them that you're not at all interested in accommodating them. You can't hide this kind of feelings from kids.
The only way to deal with this situation is to create positive thoughts. Don't concentrate on what you think they do wrong. Instead, concentrate on the things you like in them. If the answer is "I don't like anything about them" then please please get out of that relationship and give these boys a chance to grow up without hostility. I feel bad for both, you and these boys.
Best of luck in resolving this.
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If you're going to troll, could you at least keep it to a minimum, and maybe take some writing classes so we can at least enjoy the troll post?