Difficulty Reconciling Girlfriend's Shady Past...

[Mr. Nanny]

I went to a concert with my girlfriend last night and she cheerfully admitted to having a fake ID at the age of 17 which had her bored with going out by age 21. She tried to explain/defend it with a grin. She also admitted to snorting ecstasy in a bar bathroom once in her young years (she's 45 now; I'm 26). She laughed it off as "corny" but also noted "I could have died." I'm mostly straight-edge (I tried pot once and sip her alcoholic drinks), so I couldn't help but feel really hurt when she told me this. I already knew she did cocaine a few times in her 20s and I've seen her rarely smoke a tiny bit of pot (illegally) for migraines. She had a shot of tequila to settler her upset stomach last night but didn't get drunk.

She claims that she was straight-edge until being molested by her step dad at age 17, went to a foster home, and then deliberately overdosed on pain pills and started drinking that same year. She had a far tougher upbringing that me, and it seems that much of her young adulthood stems from that.

I know it's largely because of my lifestyle, but every time she reveals these parts of her past I can't help but feel alienated and awful. If we were the same age I never would have dated her, but now that she's settled with kids, it works. I have great affection for her and I definitely love her to an extent, but sometimes I feel so distant from her because of these revelations. Am I valid in this? Should I talk to her about it, or should I just suck it up and accept that everyone's lives make for different paths and choices?

 

[mom2many]

There's a reason the past is in the past.

The person she is today is the only thing that matters.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

age difference - generation gap. I have a much older husband. sometimes it feels awkward, when he tells me about events or things her did, times when i wasn't even born. or some things he did when he was my age - i wouldn't have wanted to have known him.
however, if you choose a relationship with a person, you need to accept and appreciate the differences. if they put you off -- maybe there is no future.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Thanks the the comments, mom2many and TabascoNatalie. I should note that once I started taking photos and video of my girlfriend dancing at the concert, my mood improved, and for the last couple songs, I worked my way through the crowd and danced with her, much to her delight.

Then the issue was bothering me this morning to the point of making my eyes tear up. Part of it is that she acts as though she's shameless over her past, just smiling about it, but she often does that as a nervous defense. It makes me feel so disconnected or alienated from her. Would it be okay to express this, or ask that she divulge anything else I'm not aware of just to have it over with? Even though it hurts, I don't want to be hidden from truth.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Then the issue was bothering me this morning to the point of making my eyes tear up. Part of it is that she acts as though she's shameless over her past, just smiling about it, but she often does that as a nervous defense..

Well, do you expect her feel ashamed?
Of course, at her age she has a vast experience of good and bad choices, so?
I don't know your background or beliefs, but being judgmental is a simply wrong attitude. That will get you nowhere.
After all, she must have trusted you a lot if she told you about sexual abuse and attempted suicide.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Well, do you expect her feel ashamed?
Of course, at her age she has a vast experience of good and bad choices, so?
I don't know your background or beliefs, but being judgmental is a simply wrong attitude. That will get you nowhere.
After all, she must have trusted you a lot if she told you about sexual abuse and attempted suicide.

You're right; I'm just detailing my emotional response and trying to understand it. It just seems so smug to smile, be entirely shameless, and almost try to justify things that she knows are wrong and that she would be horrified by if her children did them, maybe show some form of sensitivity or responsibility. She doesn't have to stoop her head in shame and apologize for doing these things; I just wish she would at least in some what acknowledge that they weren't the wisest choices.

 

[cybele]

Coming at it from the other side, I was the one with the 'background' coming into my relationship. I was a bit insecure about it at first, had a few "how could he want to be with me knowing what he knows?" moments... okay, more than a few, however, my husband is a good man who saw me as a person who is much more than any mistakes I made in my past. That's important.

That said, I am not going to apologise or hang my head in shame, and I don't owe my husband an explanation or acknowledgement that I have moved on, because that stuff is in the past, it happened before I met him and for all that he is to me, it is none of his business.

I retain my right to look back on my own mistakes however I choose to. I have a few memories born out of a bad situation that make me smile or laugh, and hey, it's my life, I can smile and laugh at memories as much as I choose to, regardless of whether those memories came from good situations or bad.

Lets put it this way, from what I gather from your other thread, your girlfriend and I are around the same age, and we were making our mistakes at around the same age, that was over 20 years ago. Two decades. If anyone came into my life now, as a woman in my 40's and expected me to acknowledge that what I did in my late teens was wrong I would probably laugh at them, and be very put off them honestly. Why does anyone need to justify mistakes they made 20 years ago?

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I know very very few people who did not do naughty things in their young years. While taking drugs is not a thing to boast about, it is not such a mortal sin that people should feel guilty for the rest of their lives.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Okay, well thanks for your comments, everyone.

 

[akmom]

Some people's pasts <I>are</I> an indicator of their futures. If people have certain vices, they may be prone to relapse. Certain stresses can trigger behaviors that have been at least temporarily overcome. But that is different from youthful experimentation. I guess you would have to decide whether her mistakes are truly 20 years in the past, or things that she is prone to repeat. Using cocaine in her 20s... probably not an issue. Using marijuana since you've known her... still an issue. Using alcohol medicinally without getting drunk... well I don't see a problem, but it's about what you're comfortable with.

You don't need to judge her for behaviors long gone, but neither does she need to use them as conversation pieces if it makes you uncomfortable. There's a difference between getting to know each other and "coming clean," versus talking about a dirty past all the time. There should be plenty of engaging conversation about "straight edge" experiences too, if you're on the same page about lifestyle.

 

[Shaun Austin]

I like Cybele was the one who had the worst past - I had a great family life at home, being close to everyone (inc. extended family on my dads side). Once i left for university i became very 'experiemental' i have tried quite a few different things (and im a christian and was bought up as one) my wife who knew at university still sees it as me just still growing up. I think a lot of it was me rebelling from my parents i had sex at 17, and nearly had a child (long story). I felt that my parents had sheltered me from life i wanted to experience it as i had just been shown that it exists. Then finally i got so low i felt life wasn't worth living and actually attempted suicude (me and Charlotte were going out by this point and were having some serious issues) We fixed them and we worked through them (a lot of them being related to my lifestyle) and are happily married now with 6 kids.

You say your partner had a dificult upbringing- Well she may have been wanting to show the world she was fine, or just wanted to numb the pain of the past. Either way she was younger then she may have grown up, if it affects you then you need to talk about it with her. If she knows about your feelings then together you might be able make changes for the future. we worked through our issues and so can you and if you do you will see its worth it in the long run.

 

[singledad]

I agree with previous posters - you can't really judge her for bad decisions she made when she was young and trying to cope with a difficult childhood. I want to also add that it is very likely that she is acting as if it's no big deal simply to hide her feelings of shame.

What matters is who she is now, not who she was 20 years ago.

However, I also have to agree with akmom (to an extent) - I don't see her having tried cocaine two decades ago as a warning signal of possible troubles to come - if she was going to relapse, she would have done so years ago. However, her continuing to smoke pot etc is something that is unlikely to stop. You will need to figure out if you can live with it, and if you can't it could seriously impact the future of your relationship.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Thank you. We talked yesterday a few times about this, and I explained that I couldn't help but feel hurt about these revelations in relation to age and personal choices. Things got a bit heated and she go very tearful at least twice when talking about her suicide attempt, to which I apologized for conjuring those feelings out of her. She mentioned my "sheltered" and "protected" upbringing as being why I consider the behavior bad or strange yet also admitted to not knowing the severity of the drugs at the time and that her bad youth experiences and destructive personality were a serious influence. She also admitted that she took longer to mentally mature because of how "shattered" she was at 17 when waking up in the hospital after attempting suicide. It was a tough discussion brought on by our contrasting life paths, but I think we're pretty much settled over the issue.

 

[teenage_parent]

happy to hear that.

just in case you start having doubts again, try to remember why you like her before you knew about her past. that's what matters.

i also think it's extremely mature that you decided to talk about it with her.

 

[Mom2all]

Lets put it this way, from what I gather from your other thread, your girlfriend and I are around the same age, and we were making our mistakes at around the same age, that was over 20 years ago. Two decades. If anyone came into my life now, as a woman in my 40's and expected me to acknowledge that what I did in my late teens was wrong I would probably laugh at them, and be very put off them honestly. Why does anyone need to justify mistakes they made 20 years ago?

I didn't respond to this message originally because I got a little pumped up over it. In my family, I was the "wild child". 10 years after my daughter was born, (I did a complete turn around to be a better person when I decided to be a mother), I was still hearing at family dinners stories about the old me. One of them in particular sent me over the edge. My uncle, (in front of my children), laughing said, "I tell my daughter sher can be anything she wants to be, just don't be like Kelly." I was supporting my children, had bought my own home, was the only female in my family ever to have a career that involved a retirement plan and insurance, and volunteered with the PTA, womens shelter, soup kitchen and more....

My Grandma has always said, it takes a thousand good deeds to undo 1 bad one. I get that. However, that day, I gathered my children and left dinner that very minute. I worked hard to be who I was so I could be proud of me... and NO ONE was going to put me back into that box.

I know you worked it out. I know that you talked it out and feel better. I just wanted to let you know from the other side of situation that NO ONE has a right to judge you for something you no longer are.. especially when you weren't even a part of it to begin with. People change. Why can't the past stay there.. in the past?

 

[cybele]

"I tell my daughter sher can be anything she wants to be, just don't be like Kelly."

That's just awful.


My parents were somewhat similar, I was the first person in my family to gain a qualification in anything (okay, it' just a diploma, but it's still the only diploma to ever come out of my family) and when I graduated my Mum said to me "Huh, they actually let you into the school with all those tattoos?" no acknowledgement that I had actually achieved something, just another little stab at my appearance.