do you punish for poor school work?...

[amyjo5995]

Hello, everyone. I am new here, and found this forum today, after searching for a place where I could find some like-minded souls. I am struggling with my son who is in 3rd grade. He is having a horrible time in school. He has a hard time staying on task, paying attention, keeping his mouth shut and hands to himself, etc. His grades are horrible. I've preached, and yelled, and begged, and bribed. I've tried to make him understand that if he doesn't bring his grades up, he is going to be in the 3rd grade again, and he doesn't seem to care. Spelling is one of our battles. We can sit and study every night. We are up to writing them 5 times each and then doing a "practice" test each night and he is still bringing home D's. I've told him is he will bring home an A on his spelling tests, I will give him $. That did seem to interest him some. My mother, and even his teacher, think I should spank him for the bad grades, but I think that is carrying things too far, but I don't know what to do for him. I have even begun to wonder about ADD/ADHD. I hate to put him on pills. Anyone out there have any ideas? Thank you soo much for any help! I am at my wits end!
Amy

 

[EHB]

Amy, you need to not take your son's inability to do well so personally. Clearly you are putting a lot of energy into helping him and he's still having difficulty. Now you need reinforcements. The first thing you should do is approach the school for as much assistance as the teachers there are able to give. Insist that they test him for learning deficits. You may be surprised to discover that he has a challenge you weren't expecting and it isn't ADD, necessarily. The second thing you should do is take yourself out of the equation. Clearly this has become a battle of wits between the two of you. That's not a good thing at all. Hire a college kid to come over to your house for two hours a day and do homework with him. It will give you back your sanity. Put a notice up on the bulletin board at your local community college in the "Early Childhood Development" department.

Until you really know what your child's issues are, you cannot really help him and it will just be frustrating for the both of you. So give up this battle for some real answers and some workable solutions.

 

[Aunt]

Perhaps the goal post is a little high. You said he is bringing home d's yet you are talking of giving him money for an A. What about starting with a c and building? This may help some. Perhaps he feels really pressured in a test enviornment. At such a young age not every kid is a scholar. Of course he should be made do his homework etc but perhaps tests are not for him. Talk to his teacher, look at other ways for him to do the work. As a last resort consider a change of schools to a school where they look at a variety of ways to learn the same info that a test quizzes them on.

I would move away from the idea of pills. They may make him more compliant but will he be a better thinker really?

 

[bigearl67]

<SIZE size="100">I have to agree, pills are not really a way out and to be honest, spanking or fear of, probably wont help either. Daily problems generally call for daily solutions. If he watches TV then pick out a time for him that is “inconvenient” to the shows he watches and have him do homework them. If he brings home “D’s and you are sure he should do better then try restricting activities. The idea is to make each day a consequences day and get in the routine that if he keeps doing poorly the consequences will keep escalating. Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps.
</SIZE>

 

[ntbuddy]

For our children I always liked that if you did bad for a quarter you get grounded for a quarter. This though I'm learning isn't the best thing as it takes away from their friends, etc. which they need to learn how to socialize.

If they bring home a D from school and we know they tried they don't get in trouble. Now if they get a D or F and we know they tried and didn't turn in paperwork and received the grade because of that then they do get into trouble. One thing I learned at a job that I didn't like was that being rated C is not a bad thing but the NORM. C is the baseline that everything is judged off of and why it's called average. B means you did above average and A means you went well above and beyond. D means you did below average, which may not be a bad thing in one area or another and F is that you never tried. Getting all C's I would consider a success as that mean's they're performing on what's been determined the average for their age.

Our son was terrible in math. We studied every night and it took two years but it's now his best subject. Give it time and patience and you'll see him grow into the person that you hope but remember (this is for me too) that although somethings come easy for you that they may not come easy for him/her and you must learn to appreciate their own unique abilities.

 

[musicmom]

My daughter I think is ADHD and I also will not put her on meds because she is so young. She's six. Her grades are excellant.
The only thing with that is............if he IS adhd and you try him on medication you might be doing the little guy a favor. I have adhd. It is VERY hard when you are little to sit still when your body has that much anxiety in it. Not bad anxiety but it can not be released in a class room.
When I worked at a private school I had a few kids that were just like your child. I took the whole class outside for fresh air and I had them run a lap or two around the field (it wasn't real big) so that wore them out and when we got back in the class the adhd kids would sit quietly and finish their work.
If it were my child and his grades were that poor I would first find out if the work is too hard and he should be put back a grade, talk with him. Last I would try the medication. YOu may be giving your child a chance he never had yet.
As I got older I learned techniques to put the adhd aside and I'm sure he will. But for now you have to help him.
I can't believe your mother is a teacher and honestly believes spanking would make him learn. I can give you our county website for teachers and they have free course on adhd and how to teach them. It takes someone special.
He may not be "getting it" which is ok, now you find a solution. That doesn't make him a bad kid.
Is he lovable at time? Do you see him acting kind?

 

[amyjo5995]

Oh, he is very lovable. He's my buddy. I get tickled at him because he will go out to his dad's (we are divorced about 3 yrs now) and my DS will call me while he is out there to make sure I'm ok and see what i'm doing. I don't think the work itself is too hard, and actually, I think alot of it is soaking in some how. We played the game "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" and he whipped our butts big time, even on the 5th grade questions and he's in 3rd. Alot of his problem is being so unorganized with his work, and daydreaming during classroom work.

 

[musicmom]

So do some research. There are only meds that they take during school days and are off the rest of the time. Ask the Dr and such. Do NOT let the school know. You do not want him labeled and the school gets state funded and try and pushes that label on your child. There is a way to do it and keep it private.
Try different things. Have the teacher give you copies of work he does at school. Find out where the problem is. Alot of children get learning blocks and as a parent you have to find a way around them. You can do this with love.

 

[momster]

We're having a bit of trouble with our son too (5th grade) because its not so much that he struggles with the work, he just "forgets" to tell us he has homework, or "forgets" to do it. I am sure laziness plays a part but I do think it genuinely does slip his mind too.

My SO and I often bring home paperwork to do at night too, and so we've started setting aside time each day when we can all sit down quietly together at the table and do our work. This seems to help him (and his sister) because he knows that it is Homework Time when even mom and dad are focusing on their work, and plus it leaves us all free to spend time together afterwards. We also got him his own bulletin board for his room and every day we put his tasks on it. It really seems to help him organize himself and prepare for the fact he has things to sit down and do.

Hope that helps a bit!

 

[Amber]

My son has a problem with his handwriting. He's in 3rd grade, and it looks like a kindergartner wrote it. His cursive is good, just not the manuscript. So, I make him sit down and write a page or two just to work on it.

As for bad grades, I take a dollar out of the allowance.

 

[rein001]

For the longest time, most of the way through Kindergarten, my daughter would mistake 6 and 9 or b and d. I was so worried for a while and her school is strict. They knew what she meant but would dock points from her tests and things. I would just work on little songs or something so she could remember something visual about the letters and numbers. I guess by me singing, that was punishment enough...LOL

Ray Ferrer
Children's Book Author
www.ferrerbooks.com

 

[dzdilar]

Aby, you should avoid giving rewards like money or gifts, even if your son doesn't react on them, you should know that they are really poor motivators over time. They are only temporary incentives, but not useful in the long run.. The best thing to do IMO is to talk with child, and support his curiosity and intelligent. Try to read some of advices here http://www.child-learning-game.net/support-child.html .

 

[Chris Abraham]

The more focus you put on something, the more of that you will get. Gush over his handwriting when it looks good. Ignore it when it doesn't. Kids love attention.

 

[Shari Nielsen]

Are you in communication w/ the teacher? You might want to quickly email every Fri afternoon or so and just get a snapshot of how he is doing. I do this a lot w/ my students (I teach high school) and it seems to help keep a kid on target throughout the week. They know their weekend depend on the quick report I write on Fri afternoon!

 

[singlemom]

I agree with aunt. In order to get anywhere you have to start in smalll steps- if your child is getting d's then set expectations to c's for the next quarter. Also, if he is having difficulty staying on task, etc., I would try to find out what is going on at school. Talk to your child and ask what bothers him, what subject he likes best, who his friends are &amp; what they enjoy doing together. Plan a meeting with your child so you can talk about these issues. Allow him to account for his own mistakes and talk about ways to improve. My son has alwways been very active, easily distracted and finds trouble easily. He also does well academically. He is not ADHD-I've had the testing done-and never thought he was. If you think this is a possibility try &amp; find ways that allow him to calm down his body enough so he can concentrate on schoolwork- for example, quiet room, a comfortable place where he can lay out his work and complete tasks. Be there initially to help &amp; guide thru this time and slowly excuse urself from him as u see him getting the hang of it. Make it routine. Like right after school &amp; before anything else. His reward for improving?? Schedule u and him time weekly without interruptions where you do something together that he wants to do. This all takes time and have to stay consistent but eventually improvements start to show. GOOD LUCK!!! </SIZE>[/FONT]

 

[hwnorth]

My first question would be .. is he trying ... if he is trying and still cant achieve ... then get him tested ...

If not trying ... then remove things he enjoys .,... homework will replace cartoons until such time you do better in school.

Ive explained to my children that as much as it is my responsibility to be a good dad ... doing good in school is theiur responsibility... its their job. I find with an open line of communication between parent/child/teacher .. the children learn what is expected of them