Exhausted and Frustrated...

[kayla25]

Our first baby was born three weeks ago, a beautiful bouncing boy. However, my little bundle is driving me into exhaustion. The first two weeks I thought this getting up in the middle of the night thing was a piece of cake, now I'm so exhausted that when I do get the chance to sleep, my body can't even rest and I can't sleep.

My husband does very little with the baby. He sleeps through the baby's cries and does not get up to help me with feeding or changing during the night. Even though he knows I'm exhausted and frustrated, he's never offered to help, or told me to wake him up. When he gets home from work he takes the baby for about an hour so that I can clean the house but that's pretty much the extent of it.

So anyway. This morning I just feel overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. My body and mind are exhausted, the baby is screaming. I had planned on skipping out on all housework today and just sleep when the baby sleeps, because he usually takes long (several hour) naps in the morning. He went to sleep easily like he normally does, after about half an hour I went to lay down and he immediately woke up and started screaming. After feeding, changing and rocking there is no soothing him. This is how it is every time I try to get some sleep. If I'm wide awake and know I won't be able to sleep, he seems to sleep for hours.

Anyone have any tips on how to keep my cool? I'm a first time mom and I'm just so frustrated, I find myself getting more and more frustrated towards my husband because though he's working during the day, I feel like he should make more of an effort to help me out. I'm also afraid I'll get too frustrated with the baby and I know he can't help it. What can I do?? I'm exhausted!! :arghh:

 

[Lissa]

Been there! You need to talk with your husband and tell him that you need more help. My husband was the same way. You shouldn't put up with it.

 

[Skyburning]

I'm going to suggest laying down every time the baby lays down. You may think you are too wide awake to sleep but when you lay down and close your eyes you may be surprised at how easy it is to drift off when you are that tired. And even if you can sleep you can still lay down for some rest.

As far as your husband goes, I agree with Lissa, that doesn't sound very fair. I assume you are a SAHM? It's really not as easy as it sounds! Maybe he thinks that since you aren't working it's easier for you to take care of things.

 

[fallon]

I think your husband needs to help you more. I think we can all relate to how your feeling and it sucks. I do promise it gets better...the first couple months can pretty rocky though. Lay down when your baby is down. try to stay calm with him because the more upset you get the more upset your baby will get. rock him in a chair or hold him quitely and the both of you can rest together. I also would suggest taking that hour when you husband gets home and using it for you...not house work. Take a LONG HOT shower, cry if you need to and make youself feel good. house work will wait but you can go crazy in a minute trying to be supermom

 

[meow_173]

Our first baby was born three weeks ago, a beautiful bouncing boy. However, my little bundle is driving me into exhaustion. The first two weeks I thought this getting up in the middle of the night thing was a piece of cake, now I'm so exhausted that when I do get the chance to sleep, my body can't even rest and I can't sleep.

My husband does very little with the baby. He sleeps through the baby's cries and does not get up to help me with feeding or changing during the night. Even though he knows I'm exhausted and frustrated, he's never offered to help, or told me to wake him up. When he gets home from work he takes the baby for about an hour so that I can clean the house but that's pretty much the extent of it.

So anyway. This morning I just feel overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. My body and mind are exhausted, the baby is screaming. I had planned on skipping out on all housework today and just sleep when the baby sleeps, because he usually takes long (several hour) naps in the morning. He went to sleep easily like he normally does, after about half an hour I went to lay down and he immediately woke up and started screaming. After feeding, changing and rocking there is no soothing him. This is how it is every time I try to get some sleep. If I'm wide awake and know I won't be able to sleep, he seems to sleep for hours.

Anyone have any tips on how to keep my cool? I'm a first time mom and I'm just so frustrated, I find myself getting more and more frustrated towards my husband because though he's working during the day, I feel like he should make more of an effort to help me out. I'm also afraid I'll get too frustrated with the baby and I know he can't help it. What can I do?? I'm exhausted!! :arghh:

I HEAR YA! And it wasn't until a few weeks ago when my DH realized that he wasn't hands on enough and now for whenever we have the next one he wants to take Paternal LEave!

My problem was that i could never nap in the morning or afternoon. So maybe if you can't nap just go lay on the couch, watch a movie. My friend always took a nice relaxing bath in the evenings, and she still does. Just try little things. Always eat properlly too, just so that you aren't tired because lack of food.

 

[button611]

I am completly on the same page as you. I too am a first time mom and had to go through the same thing. Is there any family or friends who can come help out for the day so that you can get some rest? I had my mom up here for the first two weeks helping me with chores around the house and the baby, I also had a c-section so there was not a whole lot I could physically do anyway. My husband slept through the night without hearing any cries, and would wake up in the morning amazed at "what a good sleeper she is, she slept through the night". YEAH RIGHT!!!!! :arghh: Anyway, tell him how you feel and that you could use more help, men don't get it, and I truly believe that we train people how to treat us. So if you continue letting him get away with this it will only continue to get worse as your son gets older. I understand the frustration, but don't let it get soo bad you go crazy like I did. It took me blowing up almost before he started helping out. Now he helps clean, feeds our daughter and plays with her while I get stuff done. You need to give yourself a break from it all, get some sleep, even if it means taking a Benadryl-which is ok to take if you are breastfeeding and tell him he is on night duty for a night-it won't kill him!!! Also learn to relax with household chores, they will still be there tomorrow and the world will not fall apart if they don't get done. I hope you get some sleep soon and I am sending hugs your way!! You can do this!!!!

 

[aliinnc]

Send that DH over here. We'll straighten him out. No seriously tell him that he has to take at least one turn at night. He needs to understand that you cannot be your best possible parent if you are exhausted.

Some dads don't know what to do. I had to show mine how to diaper, etc. You may need to teach him a little so he can help more.

With my first, I had horrible birth story with some pretty major complications afterwards. And DD nursed every 45 minutes. No lie. She gained a pound a week for the first six weeks. And she was big to start with. I was exhausted.

With DS, I had to have Csect. My DH had to go away for a couple od days right when I got home from hospital. Two friends came and stayed with me while he was gone. They took care of everything except feeding. It was amazing. I would wake up halfway and they'd say, "It's OK; back to sleep." Getting that rest was amazingly recuperative. I recovered much faster with DS.

Call on family, friend, DH - but you must get some rest.

Good luck!

 

[Good Wolf]

Talk to him, and if that doesn't work go on strike.

Stop doing all the things around the house that you do when you could be resting. If hubby complains about the house not being cleaned, his shirts aren't being ironed, or his dinner isn't plated then show him where the cleaning supplies are, point out the iron, and hand him a micro meal.

You have one baby, not two.

 

[HappyMomma]

I totally agree - he needs to chip in. When you have a baby, it's a full time job in addition to any other full time job (for BOTH parents.)

I had a really hard time sleeping when the baby slept (as everyone recommended with good reason)... I always felt like... ah! I can finally do the dishes. I did finally realize how important it is to get that rest, though.

 

[NiallNai]

As a fairly new father, even I will say that he needs to be more involved.

Sharon, my wife, exhausted herself early on because she was so happy to be off bedrest (that last month of the pregnancy had her isolated at home) even though she was recovering from a c-section. The fatigue really didn't kick in until two weeks in.

The division of labor is something that you need to discuss. And even though, early on, Sharon used the downtime to use chores, etc; the house work really wasn't that important and can wait, IMHO.

It is also important to have time for yourselves too.

Now I not trying to toot my own horn (ok, maybe a little bit) but the way I see it, I have morning, evening, and overnight duty, which still doesn't add up to the 8 hours I'm away from home during the day. I claim overnight duty because I'm a really light sleeper (I'm slightly envious of your husband) and if Sharon is up taking care of Brian at night, I'm just going to be lying awake in bed since the movement in the house will keep me up. So, I see it as wasteful for her to be up and about while I'm awake anyway.

You can't do it all all the time. When you try to do that, you just become resentful of your significant other and even the baby.

 

[matilda]

first off -- PLEASE forget the housework!! your hubby needs to step it up.

 

[ruta's mom]

My action plan would be:
1. talk with your husband. very honestly and without tears if you can
2. think of everybody who could help you with housework, with preparing meals with daily shopping ect. just ask for help
3. buy wraparound carier (sling) and when baby is awake, do what you have to do for yourself - prepare meal, eat, do tiny things
4. set priorities and stay with them - baby, you and only then home, husband and the rest of the world

and please sleep when you can, and please eat hot meal when you can otherwise you will run into problems with nursing and it will just make things worse.

that helped me. One good tip - leave your husband for longer time with a baby. Say, you feed baby, leave home, come back for feeding and leave again. It would be in total ~ 5 hours and it will be definately enough for him to understand that being a mom is not easy task. And most probably will change his attitude. And if you feel like crying or other form of letting your emotions go - just let them go.

It will pass, believe me . Good luck!

 

[Kaytee]

I agree talking to your husband is important.
As far as baby screaming: is he nursed? if yes, then watch what you eat, dairy and such can make for a very unhappy baby.
If bottle feeding, you may want to think about a different formula (no experience here but others can help)
either way if he is gassy, gas drops or gripe water can help.
oh and Congrats on a new baby!!

 

[Xero]

I went through the exact same thing when Eli was born. His dad is just like that. A lot of times, guys actually don't know what to do. Eli is six months old and he still has problems. He might even be surprised if you tell him how you feel, even though you think he should darn well know. He probably feels like, well you know what you're doing much better than he does, so why interfere? They think just because you ARE doing all of it, that you CAN do all of it. One of the main things for me in the beginning I know was that I breastfed, which means the dad CAN'T get up with him at night unless you pump bottles, and that's a good 75% of what babies want during the day too lol. So it seems like you ALWAYS have him. Which is one reason I stopped nursing, but I really wish I hadn't so if you are then don't. But my other problem too was that I didn't really tell him how I felt, I just expected him to know and to fix it. Sometimes you really gotta simplify it for them. And my other problem was assuming he would just do stuff if he really cared, and sometimes he did (and some guys are like that), but most of the time if you just ask more often, it will motivate him to do more. Just "Hey, can you change him please?" or "I'm really tired, can you take him for a bit?" Stuff like that. What's he going to do, say no?? He's not going to do that. That would really make him look like a jerk, and if he did say no to you, then no offense but I think there's a problem that needs working out.

And the more you get him to do things by asking, the more he'll get used to being involved, and eventually he'll probably start just keeping on doing it himself. It might take a while, have patience with him. With Eli's dad, I actually got him to be open with me about what his problem was, and he was mostly just scared to do something wrong. He was afraid Eli would start screaming and he wouldn't know what to do. Stuff like that. The main thing you guys need is very open communication. And if you're scared to make him mad at you or otherwise, just think about how you're going to probably explode on him one day or learn to dislike him because you held it all in. I'm sure he can sense irritation vibes towards him too, and you must know that if you guys cleared it up you would both be much happier in the end.

Oh, and if you think about it, or if he says anything along these lines, of he goes to work however many hours a day so it's your job to take care of the baby since you don't work or whatever (My same situation!!) just remind him (because it's definitely the truth) that you would rather go to work 8 hours a day doing whatever he does than do all the work by yourself all day and night long with a baby. Or maybe not that you'd rather not do it, but just in general taking care of a baby (even just in the 8 hours he's at work) IS HARDER than going to work. Eli's dad goes to school the first half of every day and I told him I would love to go to school the first half of the day!! Lol. Please let me go and you stay home with the baby!!! And he knows it's true too, cause you'll know his answer when you ask "Can I get a job where I would work in the shift that's after yours so you can take care of the baby while I'm gone and I can take care of him while you're gone?" I bet you he would rather you didn't right now. Haha. So don't ever feel guilty about asking him to help even though he works. It's nothing compared to the work of a mother, and he knows it. Not only that, but tons of fathers work and come home to take care of a bunch of kids all the rest of their day. I definitely feel your pain, so good luck. <3

 

[aliinnc]

How's it going? Any luck with your husband? Did he man up?

 

[Firefly]

Hi,

Men can be really insensitive sometimes and letting him deal with the baby for a couple of hours may sort him out!

On the screaming matter - have you tried white noise?
Not only will it help settle your baby but it will help you also get some more sleep.

It does get easier and it is so rewarding!!

I have more info about it on my site - or else post a reply to this if you require more info

Firefly

Calm Sleeping Baby - Natural Methods to Calm and Soothe Upset Babies

 

[NiallNai]

Another thing that the poster above made me think of was a book called "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp.

He gives five methods for soothing a baby which can be used singularly or together. He referred to them as the "Five Ss"

I can't remember them all at the moment but they included: swaddling, shushing, swaying, and something like shaking (but not in the "call child protective services" sense, more like craddling the baby and bouncing up and down).

The thing about the shushing is that it has to be loud enough to overcome the baby's crying, so you have to be close to the ear (2-4 inches) and it needs to be loud.

I can attest that it really helped calm Brian down. The swaddling, swaying and shushing were often the most I ever had to use at one time.

Great book and a real quick read.