Father-Son Relationship...

[reachoutkid]

I dont know if this is the right post but anyways - here is the situation.
I'm 24 years old and still live w/ my folks...just trying to get my life together. One of my goals is to start going out on dates and being an introvert, I figured to give online dating a try. So far, it's been working out great for me because I'm actually on my 4th round of dates and it's been really great meeting new people. The problem is, my dad is giving me so much crap on this online dating. He gives me side comments such as "if you have the guts to drive all the way down for an hour just to meet a girl then why dont you have the guts to ask a girl out in person?" then he'll say stuff like "what if you land into someone who's in for your money etc etc".

Well, I'm bothered w/ his side comments. I get that he's being a dad and maybe a devil's advocate and he's trying to protect me but I dont like it for few reasons:
1. It's turning out that he doesnt trust me if he's being judgemental like that - Am I that stupid enough that I wont recognize someone who's after my money?
2. He shouldnt really worry if he thinks the values he taught me is strong, w/c I think is strong so I'm actually not worried myself dating around because it even gives me the chance to self check my values and how strong it is.
3. By him being judgemental like that and over protective - he's not really giving me the chance to grow. I told him before that I need to learn this on my own and out there. If I make mistakes, so be it - that's part of life and I'll need to learn by those mistakes.

It's coming down to me restorting to just move out so that I can get my own life. I've been trying to reach out to him because I want for both of us to make this transition of adulthood be good for both of us. The problem is, I think he's sometimes have a hard time communicating/expressing his feelings. I have the same problems sometimes but I think I'm much more aware of it than my dad so everytime we have "discussions" on things like this or heated debate, it ends up being head to head butting at each other...any advice folks? I really want my relationship w/ my dad to be strong and I'm running out of options. I've reached out to him soooo many times and I still get the same treatment from him - judgemental and overly protective.

 

[Xero]

Well... at least he cares. Honestly, in his eyes, you will always be his little boy. And while you're living with him, the feeling is even stronger. You really just have to let it pass and thank god for having a dad that loves you enough to want the best for you (even if it is in an annoying and kinda unwanted way). Think about the generation gap between you two, and the fact that internet communication only became popular just when we were growing up and they absolutely did not have that as an alternative while they were growing up. He still doesn't get it, trust me. And the problem is, you can't make him get it. Someday when we're forty years old something new will come along and our kids will understand and love it, and we wont get it at all and we'll totally make fun of it and pick on them for it. A lot of older people have trouble understanding new technology like cell phones and the internet. Hang in there with him. It's basically, either you brush it off when he says thing to you by saying "thanks for worrying about me dad, and I'm sure I could do things differently, but I'm happy with the way I'm working things out. I appreciate your opinion." And pretty much after a couple of times of saying that just keep saying "I know, I'll be careful" or the brave thing "I know, I'm doing my best".

I know that's not what you want to say lol. But trust me, he'll give up eventually if he see's not only are you still going to do what you want no matter what he says, but you're also not fighting with him. Really it's either you don't let him get to you, or you move out before you're ready. I have told countless people complaining about their parents that the only way you'll ever make it stop is to get away from it. I have my own place (I'm 21) and my mom is always happy to see me, and always happy to hear what's going on and never really questions my decisions in life. Cause... they're my decisions.

Good luck!

 

[NinJaBob]

I pretty much agree with Xero. What you don't want to do is get angry with him. My mother still judges me constantly. I moved out when I was 17 and I am 33 now. IT doesn't matter to her I am still her 5 yr old boy and no matter what I accomplish in my life I will never gain her trust that I can make my own decisions or that I am not going to screw up my life. The truth is that you might not know everything at 24 and you might make some mistakes but that's part of growing up too.

I would start by finding my own place. Then when your parents question your decisions you can respectfully listen to their opinions then tell them that you'll consider their opinions then do what you think is right. If they push their decisions on you be firm but respectful.

Now I said move out of their home but not out of their lives. Visit and spend time with your parents and treat your relationship with care.

Good Luck

 

[16th ave.]

<I>they're right.
but i gotta tell ya this. don't take it the wrong way please:
As a 24 yr. old and an adult---you should already be out of your parents' home <U>Unless</U> you are helping them out with the bills or in some other way, or you are going to school or you are paying them rent and utilities.</I>

 

[bssage]

Yep they're right.

He's pushin you to "Man up" and its natural to not understand or resist a little. I would guess he speaks highy of you to his friends.

I enjoy my dad and I think he enjoys me. I try and make him proud (i'm 42) but I guess after a lifetime of giving advise its hard to quit. Also the older he gets the less open to other opinions he is ("this is the way you need to do it, or your a moron"). In my experience dads are frank not very good at being subtle.

You want to make him proud IMO here's what you do. Try and make good decisions. Take your responsabilities serious. Treat him with the respect he has earned. And finally always listen. You can do your own thing. But always listen.

And one more thing. He would like you to treat your mom good.

 

[gregjohn1229]

hey man, I am 21 and married but, I know what it is like to want to get out and do your own thing and you don't want anyone juging you or telling you what to do. I respect that you atr your own person, but your father sounds like he has been there from the start and will be there till death. A lot of times those who are involved in something so deep;y like datiing we are blinded to the obvious woahs of a person because we want the relationship to work. Often the people who love us can see the things going on that the person involved can't see. Your dad is just trying to look out for you because he loves you and wants to see you succeed in life. You don't have to aggree with him but take what he say in to consideration and than make your decisions. I have never met my mother or father so i can only wish i had somene attempt to guide and care for me like your father is. Be grateful for that.

 

[Aponder]

edit: nevermind

 

[Xero]

Doesn't matter, he never came back to respond or appreciate our advice anyway.

 

[16th ave.]

well, ya win some, ya lose some...

 

[dad_of_son]

Reachoutkid:
My advice is to focus on a plan to move out. When you are out, then you can look for someone. Do you think a girl is going to go after a 24yr old guy still living with mom and dad???
As far as the internet dating - I'm a dad, 40something, I can see your dad's point - meet a girl the old school way - face to face - through some type of organization, school, clubs whatever - but that's an old guys point of view.

 

[fallon]

please be sure you're not reply to threads that have been inactive for over this long