Feel like I'm an afterthought...

[tattooed_dad]

Hello

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We have a 7 year old boy, ( my step son ) and a 3 year old daughter that's both of ours.

Lately I have been feeling like no matter what I do , I'm just "Adam" to my step son . His biological father gets him every other weekend .. Of which my wife has to deliver him to him ... 2 hours away and 99% of the time has to go pick him up. His father barely makes any effort and he still looks at him as father of the year.

I try everyday to be the best father I can be for him .. And it never seems like it's enough .

He was 1 when my wife and I got married , and I have been there for him every single day since .. and I'm still just " the guy who pays the bills "

My step son has even stated " my dad says your not my dad..." So I feel like his father is undermining everything I do, even though I'm the one that has him and cares for him 99% of the time .

Am I being unreasonable that I would just like some respect and gratitude for everything I do for him ?

I could go on and on with examples.. Which I'm sure I will at some point .. But this seems like a good jumping off point .

Any advice would be amazing !

 

[artmom]

As a child of step-parents, my advice is to keep parenting the way you are. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel the way you do. However, you cannot control what your SS's dad says or does and it's unfortunate that his dad pits him in the middle with jabs against you. The best thing to do with that is do not engage in it. Your SS will look up to his bio-dad no matter what. It's only natural. Being the bigger man and acting like the responsible, mature and rational type of parent as you are will benefit your SS in the long run.
When your SS does repeat what his dad says, let him cool off and later remind him of your expectation of him while he's in your house and discuss with him as to why your just as much a parent to him as his mom and dad.
This will focus the attention to his behaviour and teach him the confusing dynamics of a blended family, without playing right into his dad's games.

 

[Vdad]

Adam, you have to take a look at your expectations and see if they match his. It's tricky in blended families, b/c you don't automatically get the status of "DAD" that comes with birth.

There's a difference btwn him keeping you at an emotional distance and him being outright disrespectful, it's hard to tell if he's crossed the line or if you're just not getting what you want. If he is disrespectful you'd need to address that, his feelings about you are his own and he's entitled to them, but he shouldn't be demonstrating them by being rude. Telling you youre not his dad might hurt, but it is accurate...unless he uses it to justify not listening to you.

Otherwise, you and he need to craft your own relationship based not so much on the presence of dad, but rather what the two of you have in common and how the bond progresses from there. Sometimes, that happens and kids are lucky enough to have 2 great bonds, sometimes it doesn't. But be clear what's reasonable and not contaminate your relationship with your emotional needs here, He's a kid and this is hard to navigate.

 

[SamarthGodara]

hello,
i am a psychologist, for your situation i would like to advice you love your boy without any expectations, because at his age he would want to be close to his bio dad and in next few years after puberty also this will happen. You have to keep yourself calm and help him genuinely in every situation. he will start listening and respecting you once his hormones are in control and he becomes aware of the world. Just give him the respect which you would want him to give you and be patient.

 

[StepFatherCLE]

I often feel the same. My wife and I will be married 5 years now. I have 3 step sons. All have their own quirks and personalities. I often feel i'm ..."just Chris...a resident of the household". I provide so much for the family and unfortunately I do not get the respect. Its a horrible feeling. It was easier when they were younger. Now they are 13-10-8, They are with their dad every weekend and they have a VERY deep relationship with their biological father. Unfortunately our home is prison to all 3 of them. There are rules and tasks, ect. With their father its a free for all for everyone with no rules and free to do whatever they like and want. The father also hands money out like candy...I am not in that position to do so.
I have brought this up to my wife however she doesn't see it the way I do. I often hear conversations from one of the boys to my wife about (or having to do with me)...with me in the room...in ear shot and loud enough for me to hear. So even when I am in the room...its like I am not. It feels like since I moved in to their home...I am low man on the totem pole. Rarely a Happy Birthday or Happy Fathers Day. I've tried to create a bond and relationships...however they hold no interest.

-Dad On the side :-(

 

[Vdad]

I often feel the same. My wife and I will be married 5 years now. I have 3 step sons. All have their own quirks and personalities. I often feel i'm ..."just Chris...a resident of the household". I provide so much for the family and unfortunately I do not get the respect. Its a horrible feeling. It was easier when they were younger. Now they are 13-10-8, They are with their dad every weekend and they have a VERY deep relationship with their biological father. Unfortunately our home is prison to all 3 of them. There are rules and tasks, ect. With their father its a free for all for everyone with no rules and free to do whatever they like and want. The father also hands money out like candy...I am not in that position to do so.
I have brought this up to my wife however she doesn't see it the way I do. I often hear conversations from one of the boys to my wife about (or having to do with me)...with me in the room...in ear shot and loud enough for me to hear. So even when I am in the room...its like I am not. It feels like since I moved in to their home...I am low man on the totem pole. Rarely a Happy Birthday or Happy Fathers Day. I've tried to create a bond and relationships...however they hold no interest.

-Dad On the side :-(

This is a truly unfortunate..although by no means unique...situation. It's too bad, b/c the 3 kids would be so enriched by allowing you to nurture them, there's never a limit on that sort of thing and the benefits that would accrue to them.

In the end, you did move in to their house, and if they have set boundaries that keep you from becoming a true "Family", I'd frankly respect it at this point. You married their mom, your choice was her, they were part of the package, not the main ingredient. Perhaps if your expectations matched their behaviors/attitudes, you'd be better with this?

 

[StepFatherCLE]

My expectations were high. My wife and I getting married wasn't an over night thing. I knew them and hung out with them and basically lived with them before we got married. We had good times. I don't know if its the adolescence coming thru -now that their getting older...I don't know.

 

[Vdad]

Have you spoken to them about this? Blending families is tough, especially if you guys haven't spoken about it and worked together towards some mutually agreed upon understanding of how you all want to blend. It's not automatic that you're going to be the kind of adult for them you want.

I'd start by having a very non accusatory..keep it observational...conversation with them and see what their expectations are and see f you cannot fit them into yours more comfortably. You might not be their dad and have the same status or impact on them, but that doesn't mean you're just invisible either.

 

[GraceHunter]

Any advice would be amazing !