Feeling a bit lost......

[brooklyn07]

Hi All

I am a newbie here and I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle the following:-

Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we don't have children together, we aren't married and we don't live together. He has one child 8 from a previous marriage. The marriage ended before I came along and we were together for a year before I met his son.
His son absolutely adores me - there are no issues there whatsoever. The problem is with my boyfriends ex wife.

There are no set arragements in place for when my boyfriend sees his son, contact only happens when his ex wife hasn't arranged some activity for their son.

My boyfriend is a farmer and works crazy hours, really long hours in the summer as that's when he makes his money to get him through winter - I totally understand this and fully support him and help him whenever I can.
If he is working really late then he wont have his son for example.

It has come to a huge head over the summer holidays - my boyfriend has hardly spent any time with his son because the exwife has been off every day doing some form of activity or another - my boyfriend didn't want to say anything to his exwife about it because he felt that his son was probably better off doing something fun and experiencing other things than being stuck in a tractor or round the farm all day so he just dealt with it himself.

On the odd occasion that he did end up seeing his son the ex wife would say you can have him for the next 2 days - so I would then ask what he would like for evening meal and go out and buy the ingredients as hes a fussy eater and will only eat certain things, he wont eat anything that I would normally cook for myself and boyfriend for example.
Then she would ring the following day and say change of plan I am having him tonight I am taking him to do x y z - my boyfriend would ask his son if he wanted to go, he would say yes and so off he would go.

Then she started a new job running a restaurant and would expect my partner to drop him off there and subsequently have to go into the restaurant and for some reason the ex wife felt the need to collate all the staff together and introduce him to them. Everytime he has his son now he has to collect him or drop him off at the restaurant or wherever she might be, and whilst he is there the ex wife will often ask him to do an odd job here and there - he is keeping his son happy by helping his ex wife in his words and that he doesn't like doing these things for her but it makes his son happy...

2 days ago the ex wife said my boyfriend could have their son for 2 days, we had a good evening on the first night but the next morning after he had gone to school she then rang him and said I want him back tonight I am taking him somewhere.
Now this meant that the sons lunchbox was still at my boyfriends house as one day a week the son will have a cooked meal in school and not take sandwhiches so that fell on the day that the lunchbox was at my partners house.

Now personally I feel that because she had rearranged everything it should have been her responsibility to arrange to collect the lunchbox but instead she insisted that my partner make his sons sandwhiches and bring them to her house the following morning. This meant that when he got in the night before, not only was he shattered from having worked hard all day and then fell asleep on the sofa, it meant that we couldn't have breakfast together or have any time together because he had to get up and make sandwhiches and then leave (we both accidentally slept late).

It feels like he is constantly dancing to her tune - he doesn't see any issue in any of this its ME that has the problem and we end up having blazing rows because he says hes doing all this to help his son not to help her but I don't see it that way, I don't understand why he cant insist that she takes him to activities on evenings that she hasn't arranged for my boyfriend to have him and why my partner runs around making her life easier when he could say no, you come and collect the lunchbox after you've been out.

I got really annoyed this morning as I was looking forward to spending some time with him as I don't see him much due to his long hours but he just sees it as any excuse to have a pop at his ex wife and its really not the case I just would like him to see it from my point of view but he never does. We can never make arrangements to do anything or go anywhere because not only does he not know what hes doing from one day to the next which I can totally understand but he never knows when he is having his son. It's his birthday next month and I've said perhaps we can go out on that evening and he has said it all depends on whether he has his son or not - i.e if he doesn't have his son then we cant go out as its not fair that we would be going out without him. It feels like my life revolves around what she is doing and what she has arranged, but again, he said he doesn't let it get to him he just rolls with the punches and if it happens then it happens etc.

We aren't speaking now because he put the phone down as he said hes fed up of me constantly pointing out the error of her ways and that I just need to deal and put up with this because this is how it will always be.

thoughts? thankyou for getting this far!

 

[mom2many]

I just skimmed the post, but there is a simple solution.....get a court ordered parenting plan in place. As long as he is at her whim that is how it will stay because she makes the rules and if he wants to see his son that is the song and dance he will have to do.

Sorry, it sounds like you already know this, and you are going to have to deal with it until HE decides to change it, and FYI there is nothing wrong with a kid learning hard work on a farm, out here the kids are just as involved as the parents. It IS good for them.

 

[artmom]

You need to realize that this back and forth thing has gone on long before you came along. What is going on is that these 2 parents are co-parenting, or trying to manage co-parenting, in the most peaceful way possible. Parenting often means you have plan ahead and prepare for unexpected changes. It's not even just you that is feeling like they are running around someone else's schedule and feeling like they have little control. I can guarantee you that both parties are feeling overwhelmed and they are just trying to make the best of it and get along for the sake of their son. He really is the bottom line.

It's not your co-parenting agreement. I think you should butt out and let them go about their arrangements and let them handle disagreements as they see fit.

A solution for you is seek out other people who are dating someone with kids. You might get better advice and meet people you can relate to and confide in. Build a support system for yourself.

 

[Vdad]

There are two issues here: Whatever they have going on with parenting (or lack thereof), and your role in addressing it. I suspect the latter is the real issue here.

Yes, they should have a parenting plan which clarifies much of what you're finding so objectionable. And you can certainly see if there is one, and what the conditions are.

But as a girlfriend you have no legal standing in this matter, and if you push too hard..even if you're correct in your observations...you risk making it much worse. For you too.

When you date someone with an ex, you have to manage that situation and all it's dysfunction in a way that respects the boundaries (legal and emotional) so you keep it clean..you're relationship is with the dad, and secondarily with 4, so your hands are pretty much tied here, if not legally, then by common sense and self preservation.

If it works for them, it should work for you too.

 

[careyon]

It seems as though this is really bothering you and it also seems as though you boyfriend is not listening to you. Unfortunately, you are going to have to decide how much it is really bothering you because he has made it very clear that this is who he is and this is the way this is going to continue to play out. It's a great quality that he is a responsible , caring father. But, he also needs to respect your feelings and your relationship. Maybe suggest some changes and see if he's receptive to enforcing them with his ex. It's good that you have a good relationship with the son because he's not going anywhere. And truth be told, neither is the ex. So, you really need to discuss this more with you boyfriend and decide how much this is affecting your relationship. I mean other than being a devoted dad he must have other characteristics that have kept you guys together for 4 years. I'm praying you guys are able to talk through this issue.