Feeling torn on marriage due to 20 year old stb step-son...

[Disneygrl]

I'll try to keep this simple
My fiancé and I have been together almost 3 years. He has 3 kids .. 21 yr old son (who lives in dads basement and who I believe, although not diagnosed, is bi-polar and a narcissist. Has problems in every relationship he has guys and girls), 19 year old daughter (at college) and 16 yr old son (lives with mom). I have a 11 year old son (lives with me). Dad is 41 and I'm 43. We moved in together after a year of dating .. 20 year old son moved in 4 months prior due to not wanting to follow his moms 'house' rules. We all blended great, until I started expecting common house rules/respect! If you make a mess..clean it up, no running in and out all hrs of the night, no friends over to stay the night on school nights, rooms kept clean etc...we all did fine except the 20 year old who begin resenting me because he had been use to doing as he pleased.
I'm going to make this the short of long here (as much as I can anyway)..over the course of the 1.5 yrs, many arguments between dad and myself would transpire..over the sons negative, hateful, disrespectful ways..he would say 'let me drive this horse..I'm working on him'! It finally got so bad that out of fear for our 3 dogs and what he was doing when we weren't home .. I set up a tape recorder (his dad knew). On this we found him and his brother smoking pot in the basement and coming up with lies to tell dad once we got home, angry outbursts towards the dogs (yelling and screaming at them to shut up, etc) bashing me and saying I was a b@&$h, that I hid food from him and how he lived there first (this went on over a two day period when we went out of town) hrs of sitting in a kitchen by himself talking, ranting and laughing and the final straw was him coming home from work (he works 3-4 hrs a night) angry and kicking one of the dogs out of anger..you can hear the dog yelp and he never once tells the dog he's sorry, etc (which I feel you would do if it was a accident..that he claimed) only after 15 mins or so and the dog limping does he say 'why are you limping..I'm sorry'!
That was it for me and I didn't want to hear any more 'I'll handle him'! I packed up my stuff and my sons stuff and we (along with my dog) moved out and I bought a house ( this happened this March).
Dad and I are still dating and we all still blend just fine (minus the 20 yr old who makes half attempts for his dad to be nice to me but clearly can't stand me). Dad has since made him start paying rent (started in Sept) after finding him in several lies about going to collage, etc and is trying to hold him accountable to getting a full time job and moving out!
He just surprised me witha ring and wants to get married and start again, I have put very clear expectations down to whati expect (tgat being son needs full time job and needs to move out) all in which dad agrees and says he is working on it. A date of April is penciled in for us,but time will tell! I don't think dad will follow through because he still makes excuses for he son and when asked how and what he is going to do when the son doesn't comply by April dad says he don't know yet!
My question I guess is this..do you see hope here??can we survive this or am I naive to think it will all be ok??
Dad and I love each other and both feel we have found our soul-mate. We get along great and our families blend perfect..no issues at all, other than his son?!?! Dad totally gets his sons behavior is out of control (even the sons mom/siblings have come to my defense at times) Dad says he is working on him, but how long should I hold on...I honestly don't think he will have him under control by April, then what?!?! And, if we get married is this going to be life even if the step son doesn't live there? Will it get better??
It consumes my every thought..sigh! Any advise would be great!

 

[Anna61]

First let me tell you that I admire your strength to move out and putting the safety of your kids and your dog ahead of the fact that you love this man. Good for you!!!!!!

Clearly, the son has problems. Clearly, your bf needs help dealing with these problems. He does not seem to know how to best help his son. You might not be the best person to help his son either since you have very little power as a step parent. The guilt that so many divorced parents feel take over and they parent out of shame (that they were not able to stay with mother) or pity.

When you agree to marry, you also agree to the picture that is in front of you today, not the picture he promises to create in the future. How would you feel about waiting until the son is out permanently before marrying? Were you to move back into the same situation again, I would worry that things would escalate. After all, the son got rid of you once, and he would probably work harder at doing it again. You are threatening his lifestyle.

Since you clearly love each other, would you be OK with enjoying the relationship you have with him at the moment? I might give it a year or so. If there are no changes after that, and you decide that this relationship is not enough for you, then you know that your bf is not capable of making the changes needed for all of you to feel safe (including the poor dogs). Setting a time line is not a threat. It is simply a life goal for your own benefit. And it would give your bf time to make decisions regarding his son without feeling rushed. If he is not able to give the son a six month deadline to get his life on track (meaning moving out and getting a ft job) or if the son refuses counseling, then you know.

Teens can be very difficult. The son is creating a problem. But he is not the major problem as I see it. The real issue is your bf and how he chooses to deal with the son. After all, he has to set boundaries for his child. He cannot have you do that work for him. You sound like you have given this a lot of thought, and the fact that you moved out shows how strong you are. I really admire that. Good luck.

 

[Disneygrl]

Thanks you so much for the great reply!!! It's such a tough situation, sigh! I don't think it will work with us moving back in and the son living there and you made some great points on that! I still have a lot of bitterness towards the son for his behavior and how mean and rude he was and for kicking the dog, but .. your right on point with the dad and him not stepping up to the plate and guilt parenting! He allows the behavior and so does the immediate family members! They all tip toe and coddle the son and say 'that's just the way he is'. I would never have allowed my child to behave this way, and when I would've heard the tape with the dog..he would be in counseling or finding somewhere else to live. Honestly, as bad as I hate to say it..I don't see the son going anywhere or getting the help he needs! I'm not sure how much more our relationship can handle and the 'living' in two households and juggling the back and fourth. I have a house to keep and so does he .. That puts a huge strain on us! I will ride it out a lil longer and see..I really hate to lose what is perfect on all accts..but one! My heart is heavy and I just can't fix it...

 

[Anna61]

It must be tough on you since you basically have no power when it comes to the son. The only thing you have power over is involved you want to be and for how long. Not easy. Do what is best for you and your family in the long run. All this is a process that takes time, and one day you will know what to do. But it takes a lot of energy to get there, and it's exhausting, don't you think? Good luck to you.

 

[Groggy1]

Whatever you do, don't marry until stepson is out of the picture or in treatment. He has to move out on his own before you say any vows. I would strongly suggest you hold off for at least another year to deal with that issue.

 

[page16]

Very good advice, Groggy.

 

[Disneygrl]

Thank you for your reply That is what I have told him...until the son has moved out, I will not bring myself,son or dog back into that toxic house!