Feeling Used Up...

[rob1926]

I am a parent to three children. Thwo are my step kids, and one is my biological child. My steps son 14, step daughter 16, and biological daughter 4.

My oldest two came into my life around 9 years ago. We had some rough times adjusting to each other, as would be expected. As is my character; I took on the role of step dad, as one of "doing my duty". Providing them with the things they need, supporting them in their school activities, etc. Somewhere along the way, I came to love them. This was quite by surprise to me; I never saw it coming. My step daughter and I especially, appeared to form a special bond. During a period of time when her biological father was not permitted to see her due to some physical abuse, we bacame very close. However, her relationship with her mom, has always been rough. From the time her mom and I started dating, it was painfully obvious that she had alot of rage towards her mother, and frequently lashed out at her. I had dated other single moms, and had seen this same thing. So, I figured it was something specific to the single mom/daughter relationship, and it would pass in time. My daughter is now 16(almost 17), and the situation has only continued to get worse. She has become just plain mean. She is so full of hate. She frequently tells her mom that she hates her. She has run away to her father's house twice. This most recent time that she ran off to her father's house, it was simply because her mom asked her about an unexused absence at school. It escalated into another instance of her telling her mom how much she hates her, telling her how much she hates living here, how we don't do anything with her or for her. My wife was destroyed; crying, wondering what she has done wrong, unsure what to do. When our daughter finally came home, she broke into tears, basically colapsed on my lap, hugging me and telling me how sorry she is for the stuff she does, then she hugged her brother and appolgized to him. When she hugged me, it was one of those huggs that you feel right to your core.......pure emotion.....sincere. Everytime I think I just can't cope with all this anymore....she melts my heart like this. I am sorry if this is becoming a bit like babble.....I have too much to say for even this one post. The thing is....I have taken her to a very reputable therapist for counceling, I have had every test we can do to see if she has any medical conditions. We recently started her on Lexipro for what the doctor suspects is a social anxiety disorder, not uncommon in teenagers. I try to be her friend as best I can while still being her parent, We support her every way we can. However, nothing seems to make a diference. She is nicer to me and the 4 year old than she is to her mom or her brother. She frequently says that she hates her mom and her brother. Now, I suspect she hates me too. The fairly constant turmoil is having a negative effect on the entire family. We have issues with my son, in the form of a violent temper, that gets harder to work on when things are errupting with his sister. The constant stress is starting hurt my mariage, and I am becoming someone I really don't like any more. I am yelling too much, staying at work more, not wanting to be home. I love my kids and my wife, but I am feeling used up inside. Does anyone out there understand what I am talking about? I have nowhere else to turn. All our friends, or family, are not someone I can talk to about these issues. I fear it would change the way they view my daughter. Any helpful input would be greatly appreciated. It frequently takes me a while to get back to the computer, so please be patient. I run a business, help around the house, transport my daughter to cheerleading, my son to basketball, etc.....
Thanks,
Rob

 

[bssage]

Rob

On major issues like this it sometimes take's a little while to get responses. People tend to put more thought in them. So try and be patient your not being ignored.

Its obviously above my pay grade but my 2 cents is that as much as possible family should be fun. Fun for everyone. probably a ridicules s suggestion but I would sit everyone down and say that. Then ask if they want to try or not. No drama allowed a simple yes or know. Then end the meeting let them peculate on that overnight.

All that you have described sounds like no one can be heard through the drama. Walk away from that, and only participate when calm minds are heard

Many threads ago a poster wrote these simple but true words. Whats done is done. Cant be changed or fixed because its done.

I wish I had more.

 

[mom2many]

Teenagers as a rule are more emotional then normal, and girls can be even worse. My oldest girl was headstrong and angry, it was a horrible time period, truly horrible, I can tell you with persistence, a whole LOT of patience and not allowing them to play the emotional game will win in the end. I know at about 18 mine finally was able to emotional catch up to herself. Hold on a little longer and maybe try what bssage said...it sure can;t hurt.

 

[Stepmom2be]

All I can say is you're not alone.

My FSS loves me. He tells me he loves me. But he has his moments where his temper takes over. Once, when he found out he couldnt see his mom that day (she failed her drug test and custody was taken away from her,) he lashed out on his dad, saying he wished he could just go live with his mom, and tried to pull out of my bf's arms to walk to her house. He is 7.

All I have learned is that kids have different ways of coping than adults. Kids will talk when they are ready to and not a second sooner.

A full month after my FSS witnessed his mom relapse and overdose and get sent to the ER, we were talking about what a nice day it was outside and he looked at us and said, "Wanna hear about the time my mom went to the hospital?" We dropped everything we were doing and just listened. We didn't judge. We didn't react. We LISTENED. And that's what he needed. When he was done talking, we asked him how it all made him feel, reassured him that his mom loves him very much and nothing is his fault, and went on with our day.

I have found that trying to weasel the issue at hand out of him never works. He is an emotional little boy, as it sounds like your SD is as well. If we ask him what's wrong, he bursts into tears. If we let him talk to us on his own terms, it goes much better.

I would possibly sit down with her, explain that you see she's going through a rough time, can't imagine what it must be like, but if she ever needs to talk, or ever needs company and needs to NOT talk, you're there for her. And then follow through. If she decides to talk, but you're putting dishes away, stop what you're doing, walk out of the kitchen, and listen.

With my situation, I have found listening brings a whole lot more progress than talking.

Hope that helps

 

[stjohnjulie]

I feel your pain. I only have a minute to respond, which isn't enough, but I wanted to let you know that I think this is common with girls. I was this girl when I was 16-17. I was a horrible teen girl who did everything you are talking about. But in my case, it didn't have anything to do with divorce, abuse, or anything because I came from a very stable loving home. My situation was a combination of raging hormones and depression. I evened out when I was 18, and have had a good relationship with my parents since then. I wish I could offer some advice, but I don't really have any. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Have you gone to counseling yourself? Maybe a professional can help you learn how to deal with your daughter in a way that doesn't leave you feeling bad about yourself.

 

[MomoJA]

What stands out to me is that you said at 6 or 7, when you first met her, she already seemed to have a lot of anger toward her mother. Maybe that means nothing, but it sounds like there is something she is not dealing with except through misplaced rage.

I know you have brought her to a counselor, but maybe she and your wife need to go to some sort of counseling together. I'm not saying that your wife is in any way the cause of the rage, but perhaps your daughter felt when she was brought to the counselor that whatever it is that dates back to that early age was still hers to deal with and the counseling was to address the surface issues of today - her rage. She was the problem, not the underlying issue, and she turned in on herself and didn't open up to the counselor.

Whatever might be bothering her could be as basic as feeling it was her fault her mom and dad split, or it could be something much more difficult to handle. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sense that she might feel more supported if her mother were in counseling with her, and you might get to the bottom of the rage.

Otherwise, I agree with what the others have said. Girls are drama. They eventually come around. None of the girls in my family would have indulged our drama the way your daughter does because we just didn't do things that way, but I have to admit that I was as dramatic as any girl in other ways.

 

[rob1926]

Thank you, everyone, for the feedback. I know it sounds strange, but just this little interaction has relieved some of my frustration.
bssage has a valid piont. We have actually sat down as a family, and tried this tact. For a while, it seemed to be productive, then drama resurfaced. Right now.....tension between my wife and daughter, daughter and son, and son and I is so high, I don't think it would be possible. If it were just me and my daughter or me and my son....maybe. But as a family; no. So many people have told us that their daughters were the same way, and that we just need to weather the storm. One friend of ours has two daughters that she is very close with; they are like best friends. She told my wife that her daughters were even worse when they were this age. It offers hope. As for the counseling....I originally took my daughetr for counseling because I had concerns about her hurting herself, and wanted some professional input. She really liked the couseling, and the couselor assured me that my concerns about her safety were not accurate, and stressed to me how much my daughter identified with me. She felt that our issues, with my daughter at least, were typical teenage stuff, and would improve over time if we were willing to keep working on communication. We had agreed that the couselor would talk to me about anything she felt I needed to know as a parent, but that for the most part their talks were confidential. So, I don't know much past that.She wanted to keep meeting with my daughter one on one, and then eventually have some time with her and her mom or the whole family. Now....I know this sounds horrible, but I just simply could not keep up with the expense. Our insurance won't cover it. The couselor gave me a reduced rate, but I still could not swing it any longer. We just had too many other needs in terms of dental, vision, etc. I looked into some avenues for free couseling. Unfortunately, these won't work for us. All the free couseling I found is sponsored by local religious organizations. It really does not fit our family. None of us are "religious", and my daughter is a self proclaimed athiest. She is also bisexual, and feels religion just judges her. So, the couseling has gone to the wayside.
Thanks again for the help.

 

[IADad]

Hey Rob, just a thought here, have you actually talked to any of the religion based counselors? You might want to place a couple calls, lay your cards on the table, share your notions/pre-conceptions, because while some may have agendas I think many take on cases that are outside their beliefs ssytems and counsel the person. Not saying this is alwayys true, but if you haven't actually spoken with any of them you might be surprised how they might approach you. Just a thought.

 

[rob1926]

Thanks for asking, IADad. I did actually speak to one. He was very engaging, and I could tell he had a quick witt. However, when I explained to him that my daughter was atheist and bisexual, he responded that it is usually just a phase. The whole tone of the conversation changed, and it put me off. However, I recognize that I was rash to be so judgemental myself, in attrbuting this to all the others. I will try again.
Thanks,
Rob

 

[IADad]

Thanks for asking, IADad. I did actually speak to one. He was very engaging, and I could tell he had a quick witt. However, when I explained to him that my daughter was atheist and bisexual, he responded that it is usually just a phase. The whole tone of the conversation changed, and it put me off. However, I recognize that I was rash to be so judgemental myself, in attrbuting this to all the others. I will try again.
Thanks,
Rob

I can't blame you, I am pretty religious and that kind of reaction would have turned me off too. I really think there are people out there who don't judge...at least I hope so.

 

[NancyM]

Hi Rob
It might also help you and your wife to go alone to parenting groups. You will meet many people going through similar problems.

My friend joined one and she said it made her and her husband feel like 'good human beings' again because their daughter was making them feel so bad about themselves.

And you get good advice and make friends as well.

Check your public Library, or School, or church. Good luck.

 

[rob1926]

Thanks for the idea NancyM,

I think that would be a good thing for my wife and I. Sometimes, I feel part of our problem, is not taking time to focus on the two of us. That said, however, it is hard to make time for just us. One of us is usually obligated to something with the kids. Both of the older two have athletics, and the 4 year old is a full time job.

 

[Mom2all]

I wish I had some advice that would make it better rite away because I can feel your pain. I have a now 20 year old son who no matter how much I loved him would have temper tantrums with me that defied reason. He has screamed some of the most horrible things at me and honestly broken my heart. I've looked back a the past and tried so hard to think of what I could have done that caused him to have those feelings toward me. I really can't come up with anything. People say.. its the parents fault. I have 6 children.. and only 1 like that.. so I have to believe that sometimes thats just not the case.

I can tell you this much that I know is true. YOU can't fix whats wrong between her and Mom. Mom is going to have to do that. Crying won't help. No matter how much it hurts, she has to stand up to her and say ENOUGH! I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT! Your only job at that point would be to back her up. When your daughter comes crying to you.. tell her.. GO and talk to your mother. You were wrong. Do not get caught up in her emotions enough for her to think she's won your simpathy and you and her Mom are divided. You have to face her down together. If you have to lock your bedroom door and cry about it alone so she doesn't know your hearts breaking for her then fine.. but not in front of her.

My poor son is still lost sometimes. He's made more mistakes than I can count. But when I finally stopped crying and begging for him to tell me why and stuck with, "there is NO excuse for you to do that" did he stop trying to use them.

 

[rob1926]

Mom2All, Thank you for that advise. I agree with you. I am convinced that one of the reasons my daughter shows me more respect than she shows her mom, is that I am more stern with her. I always do my best to back up my wife. However, and it hurts to say it, my wife frequently cracks when it comes to backing me up. When it gets really bad......when my daughter pulls the "I want to live with my dad card", or the "I wish I were dead", my wife will most often take a softer line than what I do. I love, and respect my wife. She is a great mom, and a very strong person. So, when she does this, it is confusing. It definitel makes me feel like I'm just the step dad. Then, my wife and I have had arguments over it. Eventually, we are so tired of fighting, someone just throws in the towel. Right now we are in the middle of a battle between my wife and my daughter. My daughter will, if allowed to, turn her room into a disaster zone. It is not just the average teenage girl mess. I mean it is an actual health hazard. Garbage, rotting food, etc.. My wife has suposedly been monitoring this, but when I saw her room the other day, I was horified. I told my wife, that as a parent, I had a responsibility to step in if she could not handle it. So we got into a nasty argument. The end result, is that my wife had it out with our daughter about her room, she ran away to her dad's in the middle of the night, and we eventually got her back home. Much to my surprise my wife held fast. Instead of easing up this time, she is following through. My daughter is cleaning her room, they fight about it daily, but my wife is being very strong. The cleaning of the room is taking longer than I would have allowed, but it is getting done.

 

[Stepmom2be]

As long as it gets done, you win.

O once was supposed to go see his mom, and I said, your grandma will be here in 20 minutes to pick you up, and your playroom is a DISASTER. You aren't going anywhere until it's done.

He procrastinated, thinking once grandma showed up he could just go. She arrived, and I invited her in, and said, sorry to make you wait but O is not finished cleaning.

I then looked at grandma and said, when O leaves your house, do you let him leave it a mess? And she looked at O and said, I most certainly do not. Keep cleaning O, but remember, your mom is waiting for you.

He was done in 5 minutes.

Sometimes winning, even just a small battle, is enough to make ME feel relevent.

O's mom took him unsupervised last night. I havent spoken much to bf about it bc hes working, but I think this is the last straw. She is court ordered to be supervised at all times. 3 weeks ago she failed a drug test. She is testing us, and now I know where O gets it from.

I am trying to show bf that he needs to be more strict with his ex as well. Sometimes its hard, because I feel like my opinion doesnt matter. But I straight up told him yesterday, "I take care of this child more than anyone does on a day to day basis. I am here all day. I take him to school, I pick him up, I feed him, I get him showered and in bed. I provide activities and take him to the park. I need to be involved in discipline too, or he's going to think of me as a big sister. And I suggested he only allow O's mom ONE supervised visitation a week, supervised by HIM. We'll see.

 

[rob1926]

Stepmom2be,
I understand completely where you are coming from. The step parent role is a unique position. We can(and are often expected to)be as much, or more of a parent than one of the bilogical ones. When we do not have equal say about things, it can complicate our feelings. The fact that your son's mother is supposed to be supervised, and is not being supervised is concerning. Is it court ordered?? She may very well love her child, but if drugs are involved....sometimes nothing but the drug matters. Hopefully, you and your fiance can talk about this soon, without it turning into an arguement. If you stress to him how much time you and his son have together, and your concerns about the visitation issues; he will probably appreciate the fact that you are being a parent. I wish you the best. I sicerely hope that you have an easier road than I have had. The early days ,when we first got together, were hard. Everyone has to adjust to being together. The parents, and step parents, have to understand their roles, etc.... My step daughter is now 16 almost 17, and sometimes it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember....if your fiance is as amazing and wonderful as my wife...he needs you, and he's worth it. Being a single parent is a rough road too, and you can be one of the best things that has ever happened to him and his son.
Rob

 

[momof3girls]

As I can't say much from the step parent roll in your situation, because my SD is only 10, I was that 16 year old girl. My stepdad came into my life when I was 1 year old and was the only dad I knew until I was 16 and tried to find my(ever absent) bio dad. The more I felt rejected by him the more I lashed out at my dad and mom. I was about 17 closer to 18 before I finally realized I was going about it all the wrong way. Reminded when I was sick or hurt the only one I wanted was Daddy. I know that it's hard to wait for that day to finally come, but it will.

 

[Stepmom2be]

Stepmom2be,
I understand completely where you are coming from. The step parent role is a unique position. We can(and are often expected to)be as much, or more of a parent than one of the bilogical ones. When we do not have equal say about things, it can complicate our feelings. The fact that your son's mother is supposed to be supervised, and is not being supervised is concerning. Is it court ordered?? She may very well love her child, but if drugs are involved....sometimes nothing but the drug matters. Hopefully, you and your fiance can talk about this soon, without it turning into an arguement. If you stress to him how much time you and his son have together, and your concerns about the visitation issues; he will probably appreciate the fact that you are being a parent. I wish you the best. I sicerely hope that you have an easier road than I have had. The early days ,when we first got together, were hard. Everyone has to adjust to being together. The parents, and step parents, have to understand their roles, etc.... My step daughter is now 16 almost 17, and sometimes it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember....if your fiance is as amazing and wonderful as my wife...he needs you, and he's worth it. Being a single parent is a rough road too, and you can be one of the best things that has ever happened to him and his son.
Rob

Yeah, it was court ordered. What happened was she was in and out of rehab for about 2 months without telling us. Her mom would call and just say O was with them and to pick him up from there. When she got out of rehab, she relapsed. Was taken to the ER by ambulance after she drank too much and passed out in the bathtub. O was there. Saw it all.

Then she went back to rehab. Got out. Moved into sober living. Once we found out what was going on (about a month into her first rehab stint,) we took O, and said its not grandmas job to care for him when mom is ill.

In sober living, we allowed her to have O on Saturday nights into Sunday since she got a 24 hour pass every week. She also picked him up from school on Mondays and Tuesdays, because she didnt work, and brought him back to us in the evenings.

One Sunday morning, we get a frantic call from her mom saying she relapsed while she had O, was passed out drunk in the front yard with O inside, the house was filthy, dishes piled up, cat feces everywhere. CPS was called. We took O that Sunday, locked down the house, didnt let her have him, (she was in the hospital all that day anyway,)

Monday morning we got an emergency temporary change of custody. Then a week later we went to court, and the arrangement was supervised visitation, Sunday thru Wed before school, with random drug testing.

She tested positive for alcohol and barbiturates. The order stated if she violated it, it was return to all supervised visitation to be at the fathers discretion.

As of now, we have let her have him maybe twice overnight, while making it very clear she needs to be supervised. Her mom let her take O to the mall last week. She claims she was "helping out J(me) because money was tight and O needed clothes." She was actually replacing clothes SHE lost while SHE had O. BF wouldnt stand for this, talked to O's grandma and grandpa, said O needs to see his mom, but if she takes him unsuprvised again, even just to the mall, she wont see him till we go to court in january.

 

[rob1926]

As I can't say much from the step parent roll in your situation, because my SD is only 10, I was that 16 year old girl. My stepdad came into my life when I was 1 year old and was the only dad I knew until I was 16 and tried to find my(ever absent) bio dad. The more I felt rejected by him the more I lashed out at my dad and mom. I was about 17 closer to 18 before I finally realized I was going about it all the wrong way. Reminded when I was sick or hurt the only one I wanted was Daddy. I know that it's hard to wait for that day to finally come, but it will.

I think it makes a big diference, when the biological dad is out of the picture. When my daughter's dad was not allowed to see her for about a year, my daughter and I got really close. She has since mended her relationship with him; I am quite proud of her for it. I helped the two of them get back to a place where she feels safe going over there. I personally would love it, if she never saw him again. It seems as if she really can't love the two of us at once. However, I know how important her dad is to her. It would be wonderful if she, like you, changed the way she treats this household soon. Thanks for the encouraging words.