Fiance's Daughter...

[jon.bova91]

My fiance and I plan to get married next spring. I'll explain the situation the best that I can, but will summarize. She has a 6 year old daughter, who she had when she was in high school. The father is not in the picture, has never been and never will be (long story). She had custody of her until she turned 18 and left home. Her parents now have full custody over her. She has been in and out of her daughters life for the past 4 years moving from place to place (the whole never had a childhood because having a child). She ended up getting pregnant again, but was forced to give this child up for adoption by her abusive boyfriend at the time. There is ALOT of emotional and psychological issues because of everything. She got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol. Anywho.... We met, fell in love and she has been getting her life back together. She now moved back in with her parents and daughter. Though, her daughter has suffered emotionally and psychological as well. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. When my fiance lived with me, (on the east coast), her daughter lived in MN with her parents, but like I said before, now she has her life straightened out and lives back at home. Because of all of the things that happened in the past, her daughters behavior is atrocious! But, there are many things that I see that I would do differently as far as parenting. I am seeking opinions and advice on how to go about this without seeming like I'm trying to take control. Her parents adore me, and I do very well with kids. Does anyone here have experience or have had a similar situation? I just want to help her out, and be a father figure...since she has never had one.

Another issue, my fiance and her parents have different opinions on how her daughter should be raised...and at this point, her parents still have custody, but after the wedding, it's suppose to slowly transfer to full custody to us. I'm just concerned that we will have different parenting views. HELP!

 

[bssage]

Wow. Thats a lot on your plate. I am not going try to address the whole post. It would however be helpful if we knew the ages and some kind of time line. That would solicit more specific responses.

My little bit is in reference to near the end of your post.

I would whenever possible replace the word "<U>control</U>" with "<U>responsibility</U>" And the question kinda answers itself. I don't think I will get much disagreement when I say its more likely that you cannot <U>control</U> your new step daughter or even her mother for that matter. But you can be responsible for the lessons learned, the actions taken, establishing rules and a responsible plan for raising a young daughter. <U>Control</U> IMHO is an illusion that will only be a source of controversy.

2. I would say it is not likely you and the inlaws will always or even mostly agree on parenting. Even in the forum we dont agree. If we did threads would only have one response.

That said. You are going to be responsible for your SD (step daughter) You and your wife need to figure how this works. Step or not, much of parenting is Compromise. Whether its the wife or the inlaws. Now I am not advocating that you do what your inlaws say, or even your wife and daughter. But I am saying you should always listen. IMHO I would make that your rule. Even some of the lamest advice may have a nugget of gold buried inside. You will be doing yourself a favor.

 

[Mom2all]

You most likely WILL have different parenting views. I think its rare that parents agree 100% on how to raise children in the best of circumstances. Honestly, with the back ground you gave us, my best advice would be to get into a family counseling as soon as possible not only for the child, who will need it, but so that your fiancé' can learn how to parent. If she has been out of the picture and messed up, she will probably have guilt.. and a lot of times that transfers to letting the child get away with too much to make up for it. Thats not going to help anyone. And you.. you could benefit from understanding it all and the having some sort of guidance in how to fix it. Having a plan thats already laid out mike make the transition a little easier to bear. It's going to be hard no matter what.

 

[jon.bova91]

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. To answer bssage's 'questions' the time line is scattered lol. I mean, we met online, I was 18 she was 21, at the time I was making really good money as a voice actor and wedding dj (I owned my own company....that my parents legally owned until I turned 18). I flew her to me to meet (after talking online for months). We met, had a really nice time sightseeing, dinner, and we just hit it off. Before she met me she was in a relationship on and off for 5-6 years which involved mental, sexual and physical abuse...which is why she was in and out of her daughters life. After we met, she told me that her daughters therapist said that she would be better off leaving and just visiting occasionally. Little did I know, she just wanted to get away. I understand the frustration of not having a childhood due to teenage pregnancy, but I didn't necessarily agree with the whole move. Anyway, she moved in with me and we were engaged within 6 months. Then she had a breakdown...began using drugs again, drinking, and even became a stripper for a short time out of desperation for money (My business was suffering, and we had financial issues). I even began using cocaine with her, not because I wanted to...but because I knew that if I did some, that that much less she could do....so in a way I was trying to protect her. To top it off, she was raped and beaten by a mutual so called friend, and that was the last straw! In the end, she ended up moving to her aunts house (where her parents sent her when she was pregnant). Because of my self employment, I was flexible when it came to living. I planned to move to her. After a while, she ended up moving back with me which lasted 6 months before her mother became ill. Then 2 months ago, she moved back to help take care of her mom and of course be with her daughter. Now, I am moving to her, have a home ready when I move in April. Mom2all, you are right, she does let her get by with alot...which is part of my issue. I try and give her advice, I even gave her this forum to look at, but she didn't want to...though now if she did and read this....she probably would get mad. But I for one, am a person of discipline. I don't believe in beating or spanking, though I do believe in being firm and strict at an early age. I am very mature for my age, I am 21 and she is 24 (I know...alot to handle...) I truly appreciate the feedback..