Handling other kids...

[akmom]

I'm starting to think that I'm not that great with kids, other than my own. It seems like when I spend any significant amount of time with other people's kids (outside of a structured setting, like school), it starts out great, then devolves into madness once they get "comfortable."

I'm not sure how to handle that. Today I had kids climbing backwards in their seats in the car, whilst buckled; rolling down windows in the pouring rain; going through my mail; kicking the vents; mashing random buttons; yelling, shrieking and arguing with each other; and attempting to litter. I instructed them not to do each of these things, but they seem to think it is even funnier after that. They are not bad kids. Our first few days were great, and they are polite at school. My own kids don't attempt these things. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I mean, I don't feel like I should have to go their parents with the matter. Other parents don't have to approach me about my kids' behavior, so I'd feel a little incompetent if I had to resort to that myself.

I guess it's hard to expect good advice on what I'm doing wrong when no one here has met me. But apparently I emit some vibe that makes kids think it's a wild party any time I'm in charge. And I'd really like to turn that vibe off.

 

[cybele]

I'm not too great with my younger kid's friends for the same reason, I seem to be one of those people where they go "Huh, I can get away with anything with this lady". Teenage ones, no problem because I am more than comfortable to tell them where to go. I'm much better with teenagers than I am with little kids, haha.

With the car situation I would have probably stopped the car and made a big point of it, if I found out that my kids were acting that way in someone else's car I would be mortified so I guess I assume based on that, that I would have no issue making a big deal of the situation to them, because I hope that if one of my kids acted that way the adult in charge would do the same.

But in saying that, and I hate to phrase it this way, but I really do think it's the most accurate term, there are so many "little angels" out there who can apparently do no wrong that I would kind of be, almost scared to react in any big way because depending on the parent I could be in for hell because of it.

 

[mom2many]

I have no problem correcting other kids left in my care, and if that's an issue for their parents then they can not leave the kids with me.

I expect them to behave, just as I expect mine to behave. I'm fairly easy going, but they know not to push me.

 

[IADad]

Well, I'm not sure how many of these little darlings were under your care. I've come into the situation a few times and get better and better, but still feel inadequate. Here's what I do when I'm coaching practice with 12 1st and 2nd graders.

First I try to break the cycle of chaos. Usually I do something like clap my hands and say "Raise your hands if you can here me clap" Even if they didn't hear it, they'll stop what they are doing, bow to peer pressure and not wanting to feel left out, raise their hands. I then have about 30 seconds of their attention.

I try to remove distractions, If I want them to listen rather than play with soccer balls, I have them kick the balls to "that tree" distraction gone.

Lastly, I know the one thing they don't want, and that's to have to sit without playing - so, I have a calm talk with individual offenders about knowing the rules and having to sit out if they break them. If I have to sit someone out - it's only for a little bit, then I talk with them, confirm they know what they did wrong and invite them back. Mysteriously, I hold the power then. The last ace is the threat of their parents, a simple, "What are your parents going to say when I tell them x or y?"


Seems like your power is upside down. I'd probably stop asking questions and give more directions. Doesn't have to be mean or loud, but we are definitely doing what I say next.

Hope that helps.

 

[pwsowner]

Do you give them too much freedom at the beginning? I learned long ago that it's nice to do what makes kids like you, but if you don't show them you're the adult from the beginning, they don't accept it so easily later.

 

[akmom]

Yeah, I gave them a lot of freedom at the beginning, because I didn't want them to feel unwelcome in my home. I am struggling with back-tracking now, because it devolves into these petty arguments of "I can't do this or that because of bla bla bla." And then there is the issue of those children don't get along with my children. That's a big problem because I don't want to show favoritism. I am more likely to show "favoritism" to other kids, because I know I can talk to my own kids about it later. But I am also getting tired of always accommodating them because they are the "guests." It's just a lot of petty bickering that doesn't need to happen at all. It's just like sibling rivalry, except not between actual siblings. My kids have never really tended to fight with each other, but boy can they fight with this family!

And they are all "good" kids really, it's just a bunch of pesky little things that are getting on my nerves. I've had similar problems with all the kids I've watched on a regular basis. So it's definitely me!

 

[pwsowner]

Sounds like me a long time ago. I learned that you don't need to go overboard for kids to feel welcome, and it's never too late to learn.

 

[MamaRuthie]

i know exactly how you feel I always struggled with that when ellie was younger and had friends over but I cant really offer any advice only that it gets easier as they get older and the rely on you for guidance less

 

[JakeW]

This here may or may not apply to you directly but this is what I see as common ground:

I think it boils down to when taking care of children other than your own(even though I haven't) it may be difficult to because some right off the bat start off in a slight fear that if they say something too bold to them, they will turn on you and tell their parents but I don't think that should be an issue so as long as what you're doing or telling them, is sensible. You're the adult here and the authority. Eventually they should adjust. Giving them too much freedom is also a red flag down the road.

Especially if they misbehave and you show no disciplinary action, then the kids will eventually walk all over you because they will feel comfortable enough to do whatever they want without any consequences. So if you don't take any actions in the beginning and decide to later on, it could backfire and make their behavior worse. That's just my two cents upon observation, but don't take my word for this. I'm no expert.

 

[cybele]

I think it boils down to when taking care of children other than your own(even though I haven't) it may be difficult to because some right off the bat start off in a slight fear that if they say something too bold to them, they will turn on you and tell their parents but I don't think that should be an issue so as long as what you're doing or telling them, is sensible.

I agree with this, sometimes I feel like this with younger kids, everyone has at least heard a story where a parent has taken offense to the person watching their child doing something that is actually quite reasonable, which, personally, makes me nervous sometimes with younger ones, especially if I don't know their parents too well.

 

[babybibsplus]

I would sit them down and talk to them about the rules of your home and let them know that these rules apply to your own children as well as any one else that comes over and if those rules are broken there will be a punishment of some kind. You can make them sit on the couch for a while without playing, and also let them know that if worse comes to worse you will call their parents to come pick them up early.