Hard time with my daughter...

[Roughyear2015]

Hi all, I am new here and have not read many of the posts.

Our daughter is 19 and living at home. That is not a real problem. The problem comes in when she feels that we her parents owe her everything and she has not a lot of respect for either of us. The only way that she will do anything is ... her mom asks her. Then it takes several times to ask to even do the dishes. We live in a small house. The problems are many. My wife and motherinlaw both suffer from fibromyalgia and I have a feeling that my daughter is thinking that it is coming for her also. Aye. Help!!!

 

[artmom]

You need to sit down as a family and come up with a solution. I wouldn't rule out having your daughter try living on her own. If that is not something you want, then start charging her a fair rooming fee. This may hurt her and make her feel disconnected as a daughter and family member. Explaining to her that it is meant to teach her responsibility and practice having to pay for rent for when she does decide to move out.
It sounds like she needs reminders to do chores. It would be a good idea to help create a family scheduled to-do list, so everyone knows who's expected to do what and at what time. It doesn't have to be complicated and it can be something left up in the busiest room. It may sound childish, but it is a good system that even businesses do.

 

[akmom]

This post doesn't really divulge the dynamics of the household.

Why is she living at home? Did she finish high school and then just hang around because she could? If she isn't working or going to school, then it sounds like chores isn't the real problem. Helping her get started on her adult life would be the real issue.

I'm not a fan of adult children becoming de facto maids either. Having kids do the dishes is about teaching responsibility. If she's an adult, it sounds like she's past the point of teaching, right? So I guess... why can't each of the adults in the home just do their own dishes? Or take turns based on who cooks?

I don't know. I've seen a lot of households where the grown offspring get tricked into doing all the work in exchange for a roof over their heads, with just enough slack that they don't feel justified in just leaving and getting their own place. It's kind of manipulative, actually.

Methinks if your daughter was that much of an entitled pain, then you'd kick her own by now. Could it be that you actually depend on her too much to let her leave, and you're wondering how to guilt-trip her into taking even more of the domestic duties? I mean, unless she's going to school, there's just no reason for her to live with you anyway. It's natural to move out when you grow up!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Does she work? Study? What do you want her to do?
I was living at home at that age (uni was in the same town).
My parents were like "OUR house, OUR rules", when it came to me going out partying, dating, etc.
But when it came to housework, they said "it YOUR home, you should be more caring"
Yeah, right...

 

[Winston10015]

First just know that this is a difficult year of life for that age because they are ready to be on their own but aren’t really ready completely. That gives you this year to guide her and get her ready. Just went through this...

Communication was the key for us. She got the feeling we wanted her out (we did not) and felt helpless financially. Once we communicated that we knew she was at an age where she was getting ready to be on her own and we wanted her to be able to do so n a healthy fashion and wanted to help her figure out how, that was a game changer. She realized we were in her corner.

In moving out they need to learn to do dishes, etc so communication of some responsibilities that you feel might get her ready may help. It’s amazing what they can do if they feel like it is working towards their goal. Must better than harping at them to do the dishes because they are old enough, etc.