Heartbroken...

[Pammie]

My daughter is 20 yrs old. Super bright through school until her third semester in college. A young man introduced her to drugs. He's a functional drug addict. She flunked out. (Prior to starting drugs she was straight A, Dean's list, scholarship in an honors program). We gave her the option to take a semester off from university, get her act together then return. She said she would rather go to rehab than live at home with rules so we sent her to rehab. Three rehabs in 2014. First rehab she relapsed in 2 1/2 weeks. Second rehab she used while inpatient. Third very tough program in FL and by September, after 6 mo at this place, she was asked to leave because she wasn't working a program. She went out on her own, got a job,bought a phone, stayed in a 3/4 house and did very well. Stayed clean. In Jan 2015 she was able to return to college but only finished 1 of 4 classes. She had her car (gift for 16th BD from us) and wracked up $700 in parking tickets, one speeding ticket and car damage. She had no job so guess who is ultimately responsible for the fines? We took the car away. She is furious with us as she is not able to see her boyfriend who lives an hour away. She has stopped talking to us but especially hateful to me(mom)
She has lashed out via social media suggesting I swallow a bottle of Xanax. She told me I have been living off my husbands income for 20 years (I had a career then choose to stay at home to raise 3 children one of which is still in high school) she also said I was an academic failure because I am 2 classes shy of finishing a masters degree (only took 1 class/semester due to my childcare responsibilities). She will not speak to us and feels we are detrimental to her mental health. She has a 93 yr old grandmother near the university and she visits and stays for periods of time. I believe grandma gives her money and she most likely steals from her. We will only pay tuition room and board and food plan. We told her we would cease paying tuition for fall semester if her incomplete classes remain incomplete by the end of August. I don't think she will finish them. Talks about drugs constantly on social media.
I'm feel like I don't even know this person. We have tried everything we know to help her and she appreciates nothing. She is mean and hurtful to us and has destroyed her relationship with her little sister. It breaks my heart that she refuses to speak to me. I feel she will only reach out if she needs something or needs money. She goes through her dad and tells him she only wants to communicate with him not me. This feels surreal to me. I can't believe this is happening with my daughter. I am sad beyond words. If she's trying to hurt me, she is succeeding. How to I handle an adult child like this one?

 

[artmom]

You need to let her hit rock bottom as a family. A meeting with the entire family is needed. She's already been to rehab and it didn't work. What about the rest of the family who continue to enable her? It sounds cruel, but this what she really needs:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• Cut off any financial support for her as a family.</LI>
  <LI>
• Do not help her out with any fines, bills or anything, directly or indirectly.</LI>
  <LI>
• Get a court order demanding that she not tarnish you on the internet.</LI>

</LIST>

She needs a professional intervention. No, this does not have to happen on any show. But basically what will happen is that you will get your chance to to tell her what you want her to know and what your ultimatums are and the only words that you are going to listen to from her is accepting help and that is the only thing you will support her with. The whole point is getting her so low that the only direction to look is up, if she is willing, and have her realise that she has people who do care about her but are only going to be there for her if she is to change. She will likely have a choice"

- Completely cut off of the family if she refuses any help, and you let her know that that choice often results in death.
- Jail.
- Or completing a rehab program.

I think some psychological or psychiatric help is needed. I don't think her issues started with that one junkie boyfriend. There is no such thing as a "functioning addict". They may appear to have it "together", but that is just a show. As long as he is not getting help and she is not over him, there will always be that risk that she will relapse. He needs to get help, too, in a separate centre. If you can contact his family, and if they are willing to join in an intervention, then there will be a better chance of a success rate. If not, the longer she stays away from him the better. Either way, they will be apart for a long time and her focus should be getting better, not relationships with men.
You, as a family, need help to stop the cycle of enabling and to fix any issues in the family. There is always something that needs mending with families and you would be surprised at what underlying problems can surface. One day, you will have an 'aha' moment where you discover the root of the problems. It's not just her problem, it's a family problem.

I hope this helps and you all find the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Pammie]

You are exactly right, Artmom! It would be easy to cut her off completely if grandma was not in the picture. My husband is very close to his mother and at 93, she is fragile. She would never refuse to help my daughter in any way. It complicates our efforts with boundaries. I learned so much during the year we spent in rehab(s). We know what we need to do. We have set limits. She has one chance to finish incomplete work or no fall tuition under any circumstances. What grandma does is anyone's guess. I'm at the "tired" portion of the program. Thanks for your excellent suggestions.

 

[page16]

It sounds like she is hanging out with the wrong crowd / people. Her first problem seems to be drugs. It's very difficult and heartbreaking to see your child turn away from you, and 'tough love' will be what needs to happen.

My heart goes out to you, Pammie.
Although it is only a small consolation, know that you're not alone.

 

[singledad]

I think artmom gave good advice. It sounds like you've been on this roller-coaster long enough that there is very little I can tell you that you don't already know, so I'll keep it short -
Keep getting help for yourself and your family, so that you can stay strong and have the capacity to help her when she is ready to accept your help. Keep loving her and supporting her but not enabling her.

Know that when she is mean to you, that isn't your daughter - it's the addict that currently controls your daughter. Chances are that she is really ashamed to face you, and would rather place the blame on you, and push you away be accusing you of being the bad guy, than to face her own shame.

Also take note of what artmom says about taking a long, hard look at your family. The vast majority of drugs of abuse have one thing in common - they're basically pain killers. People take them because they make life easier to cope with, and even when the drugs themselves become a majour negative, it is still easier to get high than to face and deal with with the ever increasing level of chaos that they create. That is the real reason why people relapse - it's just so much easier than fixing your life.

Oh, and lastly - I don't believe that "rock bottom" is a real, definitive place you can drive an addict to. Addicts often have an amazing ability to keep digging, regardless of how many rocks they have to remove along the way. Rock bottom is where the addict DECIDES to stop digging. It's a conscious decision that only your daughter can make.

What will cause her to make that decision? Who knows? I certainly don't...

 

[akmom]

I don't know, Pammie. It sounds like she is too old for you to "force" her into any decision. Because her behavior is technically illegal (I assume), you might be able to have her arrested, but I'm not sure that will accomplish what you want either. Not any better than rehab did.

I'm a little torn on the college funding stance. In my experience, it seems like a good portion of students who have someone else paying their way never really appreciate what they're getting, so they waste it. They quit or drag their education out for years by failing courses, taking too few, or not taking what they need to make headway on a degree. Those who pay their own way, including taking out their own loans (within reason), seem more invested. So in that respect, paying for her tuition and related expenses might be a bad idea.

But if you consider her lifestyle, I do wonder if attending college at all is keeping her from really descending into a bad lifestyle. I mean, if she is attending class, she is being exposed to a lot of ideas and expectations that are positive and productive, and they might be keeping her connected to that concept of a better future. If she is that vulnerable, I don't know if the same standards apply that one might normally use to determine whether a child is making their investment worthwhile.

Try not to let hurtful comments get to you. She is entitled to her opinion about how you live your life, and you don't need her approval. So let her feel how she will about it, and let yourself feel how YOU will about it. My mother chose the stay-at-home gig for her entire life, and while I don't admire it, she considers it saintly. We don't discuss it, though, because that's rude. I'm tempted to sometimes, when she criticizes my choices that I believe to be right, but I remember that what I think of her life is usually irrelevant, so I don't say it. And what she thinks of mine is also irrelevant, so I try to ignore those comments and still maintain other dialogue. The difference is, YOUR criticisms of your daughter's life ARE relevant. But she is going to have the same reaction anyway (to criticize you back) so try to accept it as inevitable and ignore it. It really doesn't matter WHAT you did with your life. She will find a negative way to spin it because that's what people do. Exactly what negative spin she chooses is irrelevant, so try not to worry about it. She could just as easily say you smell, or have an ugly hairdo, or a caustic voice. Just remember she's fishing for SOMETHING, and what she ends up uttering isn't the point. She's just upset that you don't like her drug use.

 

[CraigK]

Wow this sounds like such a tough situation. In college, my brother had an issue with drugs too. Started casual and quickly escalated. He's now doing a lot better but as some others have suggested, it took hitting rock bottom before he realized what kind of hole he was digging himself into. It's always going to be hard to watch someone you know suffer and struggle but my prayers are with you.