I am a 31 year old female with two children and I want to get back together with my ex we broke up 3 months ago and had been living together for 3 years. The problem with this is my 12 year old daughter who lives with me says that if I try to work things out with him then she will go to live with her father. He (the father) has neglected any type of relationship with his daughter for over 6 years. He would invite our 14 year old son out to have dinner and family functions and leave her wondering why. There are many other things has has done but he is not a "great dad". My son lived with me also until about 6 months ago and left to go live with his dad because he says that he hates his sister. OK now my ex and my daughter did not get along great, but in his defense he was only trying to get her to do the things she needed to do aka homework, brush teeth, hair, clean room, that kind of stuff. I know now that it was very tough on him and her both but he loves her very much and me as well. I can't think of having any other man in my life and I know that now. I want her to give him another chance as I do not want to lose both of my children, but at the same time I do not want to be with out him. He really does make me happy! Someone plz help!
hello and help plz...
- Thread starter goodheart12
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Sorry it has taken so long for a reply.
If your DD is willing to live with a man who has little involvement with her that says there is more going on then him hounding her about daily things. What? Who knows she's a pre-teen. Truth is, if I had to choose between a man and my child, my child would win. Maybe your DD see's something different in your relationship, something you aren't willing to acknowledge? Maybe she feels you can do better. Have you asked her?
If your DD is willing to live with a man who has little involvement with her that says there is more going on then him hounding her about daily things. What? Who knows she's a pre-teen. Truth is, if I had to choose between a man and my child, my child would win. Maybe your DD see's something different in your relationship, something you aren't willing to acknowledge? Maybe she feels you can do better. Have you asked her?
I have asked her she says she has given him many years of her life. Also I would like to point out I hardly ever asked her to do daily things, and defend her when he would try to punish her. It was only after he moved out that I became aware just hard it was to get her do do these things. He hardly ever made her cry and now I do on a daily basis. The other night while she was crying about something I think it was about her hair, she told me that she wanted me to punish her more and be more consistent. She is struggling with herself a lot right now. I should have played a bigger role in parenting her while he was here. I am willing to do that I just wish she would give him a second chance.
I agree with M2M. It just seems there is more here. One thing I would say. And I don't know for sure because I don't have a preteen daughter. But from what I gather they (teens) are emotional rollorcoasters. Which frankly scares me and makes me not want to add much for fear of telling you something stupid.
I think I will sit this one out. I wish I had more to offer.
I think I will sit this one out. I wish I had more to offer.
I actually had the same thought as bssage, I am wondering how much of it is hormonal. Then again she is right children want boundaries, they may not know it and they may not like it, but it helps keep their world a little more predicatable.
Hello Goodheart,
My first gut reaction is that there is a communication problem here.
My haunch is that your daughter has seen things about your ex, she is feelings things about the situation, she is expressing her discomfort, but she is not fully heard. She does not seem to feel like her opinion really matters regarding your ex.
She is sending you this message:
"I'd rather be with a "dad" I don't even really know and who hasn't really been there for at all, than to be with this man you have been with for the last 3 years and who pretends to act as a "dad" for me"
So let me ask you this:
Why did you and him broke in the first place?
Could you provide us with a little bit of the back story? I am trying to understand what it is that your daughter might be seeing, from her perspective, that she is not yet ready to tell you straight.
She is 12. Which mean she was 9 years old when she first met him, right?
Your ex had THREE full year to create an attachment with her. One fourth of her total life time. And at 9 years old, your daughter was not a pre-teen at the time. Yet all he managed to do was to become a "police officer" in the house. He may have been successful at controlling her, but he obviously failed at actually getting LIKED by her.
I am not saying that you should not go back with that man - but I am saying you need to hear - to truly LISTEN and acknowledge - what your daughter is telling you. And then you need to talk to your ex, in order to understand what happened. Why had she never truly connected with him? Had he ever truly connected with her? What would be different this time? Your home is also your daughter's home. Doesn't she has a say about who gets inside and spend time with her? I think she deserves to be heard and a problem-solving dialogue has to be started.
What could change so that she'd feel comfortable again to have him live with you again? You need to ask her this. And dig deeper into the <I>why</I> she is not comfortable with him right now.
It could be his discipline style. It could be that there is only discipline and no love. Or it could be something else, and you only <I>think</I> it's about punishments.
What has he done in her life to gain this connection?
- Forget this relationship with this man,
- See the relationship with your daughter erode, (if it has not improved in 3 years, it's not going to improve now without real, explicit changes), or
- Have a serious, deep and open dialog with <I>both</I> your daughter and this man, so the true problems can be surfaced and addressed, and the dynamic may change.
Like I said, it's not just hormone, unless she used to love him a year ago...
I am glad you would defend her if he tries to punish her. But what it tells me is also that you didn't agree with his punishments on your own daughter, since you "tried to defend her". What does "try" mean? You didn't succeed, at times? If not, how come? If you did - why did it happen again? Wasn't he clear on what is and is not acceptable punishments? There is something to investigate here.
When one feels controlled and coerced, they may not feel <I>safe</I> enough to cry. That you make her cry regularly now, shows that she may feel more at ease to <I>show</I> her pain than she has been, perhaps, for 3 years. DO you see what I mean? I don't know, but it's worth investigating.
When a child is <I>asking for punishment</I> it's usually not a good sign. It may be a sign of internal guilt, shame, and generally very destructive feelings. It's usually a sign you need to help them with their self-esteem and self-image, empower them to see themselves in a better light, certainly NOT punish them more. Punishment is not what they need. They just don't have any other reference point for what they truly need.
But is it compatible with going over her head and welcoming this man back into your home, without first discovering what is going on?
My first gut reaction is that there is a communication problem here.
My haunch is that your daughter has seen things about your ex, she is feelings things about the situation, she is expressing her discomfort, but she is not fully heard. She does not seem to feel like her opinion really matters regarding your ex.
She is sending you this message:
"I'd rather be with a "dad" I don't even really know and who hasn't really been there for at all, than to be with this man you have been with for the last 3 years and who pretends to act as a "dad" for me"
So let me ask you this:
Why did you and him broke in the first place?
Could you provide us with a little bit of the back story? I am trying to understand what it is that your daughter might be seeing, from her perspective, that she is not yet ready to tell you straight.
Perhaps. Is the only reason? Could he have seen or experienced some of what your daughter experienced, also?goodheart12 said:
Here is the deal.goodheart12 said:
She is 12. Which mean she was 9 years old when she first met him, right?
Your ex had THREE full year to create an attachment with her. One fourth of her total life time. And at 9 years old, your daughter was not a pre-teen at the time. Yet all he managed to do was to become a "police officer" in the house. He may have been successful at controlling her, but he obviously failed at actually getting LIKED by her.
I am not saying that you should not go back with that man - but I am saying you need to hear - to truly LISTEN and acknowledge - what your daughter is telling you. And then you need to talk to your ex, in order to understand what happened. Why had she never truly connected with him? Had he ever truly connected with her? What would be different this time? Your home is also your daughter's home. Doesn't she has a say about who gets inside and spend time with her? I think she deserves to be heard and a problem-solving dialogue has to be started.
What could change so that she'd feel comfortable again to have him live with you again? You need to ask her this. And dig deeper into the <I>why</I> she is not comfortable with him right now.
It could be his discipline style. It could be that there is only discipline and no love. Or it could be something else, and you only <I>think</I> it's about punishments.
Ok, if you say so. How could this love is not reciprocal?goodheart12 said:
What has he done in her life to gain this connection?
Assuming the man wants to come back with you (without you having to beg or accept to sacrifice your daughter to him), you have only a few choices:goodheart12 said:
- Forget this relationship with this man,
- See the relationship with your daughter erode, (if it has not improved in 3 years, it's not going to improve now without real, explicit changes), or
- Have a serious, deep and open dialog with <I>both</I> your daughter and this man, so the true problems can be surfaced and addressed, and the dynamic may change.
There is obviously more. You need to find out what it is.goodheart12 said:
Like I said, it's not just hormone, unless she used to love him a year ago...
goodheart12 said:
I am glad you would defend her if he tries to punish her. But what it tells me is also that you didn't agree with his punishments on your own daughter, since you "tried to defend her". What does "try" mean? You didn't succeed, at times? If not, how come? If you did - why did it happen again? Wasn't he clear on what is and is not acceptable punishments? There is something to investigate here.So his forceful "authority" was convenient. But this has nothing to do with love and attachment. Using enough force, anyone can get control. It's also a very fast and effective way NOT to get true respect and loved.goodheart12 said:
Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing.goodheart12 said:
When one feels controlled and coerced, they may not feel <I>safe</I> enough to cry. That you make her cry regularly now, shows that she may feel more at ease to <I>show</I> her pain than she has been, perhaps, for 3 years. DO you see what I mean? I don't know, but it's worth investigating.
Could you tell her exactly what happened?goodheart12 said:
When a child is <I>asking for punishment</I> it's usually not a good sign. It may be a sign of internal guilt, shame, and generally very destructive feelings. It's usually a sign you need to help them with their self-esteem and self-image, empower them to see themselves in a better light, certainly NOT punish them more. Punishment is not what they need. They just don't have any other reference point for what they truly need.
It's not too late to start now.goodheart12 said:
But is it compatible with going over her head and welcoming this man back into your home, without first discovering what is going on?
I agree with Parentastic. I just wanted to add, there could be more to it then even that. Was she upset when the 2 of you broke up? How nasty did the break up get? Was the relationship something of a constant struggle and the children a part of the conflict? (since you mentioned your lack of parenting and defending his attempts I assume there was conflicts) And if it was, did they know it?
there was a request for back story .. here goes I had lost my drivers permit and he was driving me to work everyday for 3 years also we were together for 5 years total and for the first 4 years she and him did get along she loved him a lot. He would then go to work himself and get off to come get me take me home and then he would go back to work for a few hours I neglected the house duties and he would come home to cold dinner and a sink full of dishes he would take care of that and whatever other house duties needed be done and go hang out with our neighbor i know now that it was just because he was frustrated but while he was gone i started talking to the other guy who lived in another state. in june my ex paid off my fines to get my permit back and i bolted to this other state and told my ex we needed to talk.... months go by with my ex trying everything he could but knowing he was losing me made him insecure which only pushed me into the other mans arms in on november 2nd my ex moved out and took what was his leaving all the bills that were in his name on aka lights cable telephone saying that he couldn't let my children live in the dark. my daughter was the first one home and it was very very scary for her to come home and stuff be gone. I think a lot of what she is upset about is she does not trust him because of that.
parenttastic - you are painting a picture of a man who is not my ex he was not about "forceful authority" he would do things like take away tv time if she didn't do homework or brush her hair and he would ask nicely lovingly for her to do so until he was blue in the face before doing so I am not saying he was perfect but my daughter is no angel for sure I love her with all my heart but she is extremely hard to get along with
parenttastic - you are painting a picture of a man who is not my ex he was not about "forceful authority" he would do things like take away tv time if she didn't do homework or brush her hair and he would ask nicely lovingly for her to do so until he was blue in the face before doing so I am not saying he was perfect but my daughter is no angel for sure I love her with all my heart but she is extremely hard to get along with
That actually explains a lot. Her abandonment issues stem from him leaving you. It's sad she had to go through that. I'm not trying to be hurtful at all, but it seems to me that the whole situation revolved around your needs and then your wants. Perhaps its time to think about the needs of others first. Children need stability and a good home life. Our partners need "partners" and trustworthiness. If your not ready for that, you should step back and focus on your child. Saying it will be different is not enough. You actually have to live it.
So you are saying that there is no way that she will be able to give him another shot. I guess i really don't deserve him i should just suck it up and be lonely or be with someone that will never measure up. karma is kicking my ass. I truly was hopeful.
I'm not saying she wouldn't forgive him. Perhaps he shouldn't even have to ask it. From what I got, you said he was always helping and doing, you were unhappy, you found someone else and he did what anyone would do and leave. She isn't his daughter so he couldn't take her. What choice did he really have? I'm saying that with all that happened, there had to be animosity in the house for her to live with each day and then the all of a sudden her world is turned upside down. Not her fault. We as adults make decisions that unfortunately will change the perspective of life for our children. Before you make a decision to bring someone back into her life, ( By that I mean anyone), you should soul search the ramifications of the message you'll be sending her. What is she being taught by all of this? Does this make her feel safe? Is this how relationships work?
It's not just our needs. No one wants to be alone or lonely. But you have a divine duty to look out for whats best for your offspring first. I don't think anything should be forced on her or be at a pace that gives you instant gratification while not addressing her very valid concerns. It sounds like to me he was a parent to her. He'd been there for years and there was issues like all parents have. I'd guess her anger comes with the fact that her "parent" deserted her, or so she feels that way. How sad she must be.
It's not just our needs. No one wants to be alone or lonely. But you have a divine duty to look out for whats best for your offspring first. I don't think anything should be forced on her or be at a pace that gives you instant gratification while not addressing her very valid concerns. It sounds like to me he was a parent to her. He'd been there for years and there was issues like all parents have. I'd guess her anger comes with the fact that her "parent" deserted her, or so she feels that way. How sad she must be.
Good thoughts. Talk to your daughter privately and ask her sincerely to tell you her impressions and reasons. Children do see deeper than we do at times, and regardless, by demonstrating that her opinion is important to you, you will strengthen your relationship with your daughter.
mom2many said: