Help and advice needed with 18yo step son...

[Clyde R]

Hi there, I'm new here.
I've never had the need to visit a parenting forum before, but I'm really in need of some advice with a situation which has arisen recently. I'm scared for the safety of my family and home.

I've known my wife for around six years now, and we've been married for nearly three years.
I have two step sons, the youngest is 17 and the eldest 19 next month.

We've had trouble with my wife's youngest in the past, but that seems to have sorted itself out now. I'm now concerned about the eldest.

I borrowed his iPad not long ago, and while I was using it, an e-mail came through and a preview bar appeared at the top of the screen.
It alarmed me.
It alarmed me enough to go into his e-mails and read through. I feel bad for doing this, and I know it's an invasion of privacy and morally wrong, but like I say, it alarmed me.

It appears he has been answering adverts to meet up with people for 'adult encounters'.
And not just females, but males too.

When me and my wife were away for the night recently for my birthday, it would appear that he invited two males to our home, has given our address out to at least one other person, and has been arranging to be picked up at the end of our road and around the town where we live.
These are complete strangers.

I am scared not only for his safety, but for our home. He is giving out our address and inviting strangers into our home.

What do I do???
Do I have a word with him on his own, admitting that I have been through his private e-mails?
Do I tell my wife and again, admit to privacy invasion?
Do I call a family meeting and bring it out into the open?

None of this comes easy to me. It scares me that I will have to talk this over and am shaking just thinking about it. I don't have many parenting skills, and I've found it very hard having two step sons of early adult age. I am a quiet person who finds confrontation very difficult, but I know something has to be done about this.
We cannot now make any plans which involve the house being left in the hands of my wife's eldest!

I've even just considered going back on his iPad and forwarding the e-mails to my wife and blaming a 'glitch' or hacking attempt!

Any ideas or advice would be much appreciated.
Help!!

Many thanks for reading.

 

[artmom]

Mu daughter is 13 and just came out to me when she was 12. She admitted she was scared of how I would react as she saw a youtube video, prior to coming out to me, of a mother beating on her son for coming out. It's not easy for anyone to come out. Your son is obviously feeling frisky and may be bi-sexual, please don't be to hard on him.
Do not bring this up with a family meeting. But since you are aware, tell him, privately, that you came upon these emails and inquire about it in concerns of your address being given out. That should be the main issue. It will be awkward, for both of you either way. I was a little uncomfortable about it, at first, I will admit, but as parents we just want them to be happy and be able to come to us with anything. And that's what you need to do. Tell him, in a non-judgmental way, that you are there for him, but you don't want your address to be given out to random people. He should respect you in that sense. He may just not see the big deal, so he needs to hear it from you that you know and the why's in which giving out addresses is not a good idea, for anyone, really.

 

[Clyde R]

Thank you so much for the advice!

Don't worry, I would not judge him on his sexuality. I understand that is not the issue, and it's not an issue for me and won't be for my wife I am sure.

I am thinking that the way to go would be to have a quiet word with him... This won't be easy though. We have more of a 'mates' relationship, rather than parent/child if you know what I mean?
I've always tried to be a friend first, as he does have a dad that he sees regularly.

I think there is another issue regarding his safety though, of meeting strangers? I know he is 18 and can decide for himself... But... There are some people in the world that just want to cause harm.
This is a worry.

Another reason I think a quiet word with him, without involving my wife is that she is on anxiety medication, from the trouble we had with her youngest and a recent death in the family.
I don't want to worry her with any more troubles!

 

[artmom]

She needs to be welcomed into parenthood. She has to know sooner or later.

It's normal for parents to be worried for their children as they go into the big bad world. I'm always worried about my daughter, as my mom is constantly worried and has an opinion for everything I decide and how I lead my life. But I guess that is what parents do.
I have a pretty laid back parenting style, but I'm mom first and then friend. Either way, I find my daughter still keeps things from me and delays big time news about what's going on in her life. It's always tempting to go reading in her diaries and snoop through her Facebook and emails. Part of it is that I'm afraid of what I'll find. The other part is afraid if what I don't know. She has kept one relationship from me in the past and continues to go behind my back. She has lied to me about the severity of her depression and I often don't what to do. Even though she knows she can come to me about anything, she still feels intimidated to do so. Your son may feel the same way, that's why you should handle this delicately. He may not feel ready to come out, and may feel embarrassed and may even still be in denial. You don't what the reason for him inviting other men over may be. Perhaps it's not gay or bi. relations at all.
But it's your house and he needs to know how you feel about giving out your address, either way, and that's all you need to be of concerned about, for now. I would start with that and see what he has to say about that.

 

[Clyde R]

Thank you.

He was definitely inviting people round for 'adult' matters... Details were discussed in the e-mails of preferences and requests.

My wife is out tomorrow morning so I may try to pluck up the courage to discuss it with him, but to be honest I'm still in shock and not sure I could talk about it.
I may give it a few days for it to sink in and have a think about what to do next.

I welcome any other opinions of what to do.

 

[taraly]

This is a tough one but the first thing I would try to encourage you to do is remember what it was like to be his age - you don't have to know his situations just the mindset that goes along with being a 19-year old (kid) and developing into an adult. The law may define an adult as 18 years of age but that is not how the medical field defines an adult and then there is how society defines an adult.

He is in self-discovery and he will continue on until he has had his fill. I do feel you should invite him out for a meal or coffee, or what have you, get him out of the house and let him know that you did see some things on his iPad, unintentionally, and that you don't want to get into detail but you are there for him should he want to discuss. Let him know that you are as open to ideas as he is and that you are safe ground for confidence as he may not want his mother to know for any number of reasons. Be an outlet for him. As you "step" in as a friend a foundation of trust will be started and he may find you to be a person he can lean on. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to and don't give him more information than he asks for. Just let him know that you are "that" person for him because his age can be confusing, difficult or a lot of fun.

Yes, it is scary he lets strangers into your house you don't know but if nothing has happened yet you sound to be okay. Keeping the opportunities to a minimum is a good idea for your home's safety but keep the door open with him, so as to keep him safe too; he is more important after all.

Coming into a relationship as a person without parenting experience, at any age, if very difficult. Just remember how to relate, be open and follow your instincts. You will do great!

~Tara

 

[akmom]

That's horrifying. I don't think sexual relations outside of an established relationship are healthy or acceptable, and I'd be worried about whether it was actually prostitution going on. You also have a right not to have strangers in your home. That puts your family and possessions at risk.

I don't really understand this philosophy of walking on eggshells when it comes to kids. Why are some parents so terrified of showing disapproval? Of not catering to their adult children's every need? This is dangerous and unhealthy, and it didn't take an unreasonable amount of prying to discover it. Bring it up, and lay down rules if you have to! It's your house for goodness sakes. If he doesn't like it, it's probably time to grow up and leave. That isn't mean or judgmental. It's common sense and perfectly reasonable.

 

[artmom]

Highly doubt it's prostitution, unless you noticed any sorts of discussion on price or cost of service. If anything, it could for homemade porn, or just "booty calls", or experimenting. A concern about it is if anything is bing recorded without your sons permission to be distributed. If you do have concerns, talk to your son about the risks involved. You can ask him how and where he's meeting these people. Young adults tend to be impulsive and still need some guidance.

a.k.mom, the reason some issues with kids is touchy is because hasty, brash actions can lead to issue becoming worse than they started. his son hasn't come out to his parents yet. Have you ever seen this video called "How not to react when your child tells you that he's gay".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1df_i26wh-w
This mom pretty much freaked out and beat her son over it. My daughter saw this video before she came out to me and she was scared I would react in a similar way. Not saying you would ever do this if your child ever came out to you, but since the son in question hasn't done this yet, I'm sure he's feeling quite intimidated to do so. Plus, his father finding out about some intimate details of his sex life is humiliating enough. Sometimes, coming down hard on your kids isn't always the answer. But it's your home, your rules, your parenting style and beliefs. I'm just stating how some others view these issues.

 

[cybele]

If there was no discussion of payment I doubt it was prostitution, you always discuss payment first.

 

[taraly]

That's horrifying. I don't think sexual relations outside of an established relationship are healthy or acceptable, and I'd be worried about whether it was actually prostitution going on. You also have a right not to have strangers in your home. That puts your family and possessions at risk.

I don't really understand this philosophy of walking on eggshells when it comes to kids. Why are some parents so terrified of showing disapproval? Of not catering to their adult children's every need? This is dangerous and unhealthy, and it didn't take an unreasonable amount of prying to discover it. Bring it up, and lay down rules if you have to! It's your house for goodness sakes. If he doesn't like it, it's probably time to grow up and leave. That isn't mean or judgmental. It's common sense and perfectly reasonable.

AKMom, it may not be ideal (or conducive to religious beliefs) to have sex outside of a relationship but it does happen and to believe it does not, or that your legally adult child would not engage in such behavior is naive. Depending on what experiences this step-son has had determines how and where he is developmentally. Sneaking around means he knows he is doing something he should not be but yet he is keeping it in his home where is feels safe and though it may be a lack of respect to the parents, he still feels safe.

It's not about being fearful or walking on eggshells with our children. It is about being understanding and accepting. I have always told my children I would always be there for them and would accept their choices though I may not like them and there may be consequences. My children will not always like me depending upon their age and developmental stage. Just because this man's son is 19 doesn't mean he actually has the mentally of a 19 year old, or an adult for that matter. The young man needs to know he is loved and accepted for who he is and while his choices may not be liked by everyone they are accepted and respected and in return there should be respect for privacy and safety within the home.

Parenting is not black and white...it has many shades of gray and assuming that each child and their situations are not unique to them, though are similar when compared, is again, naive.

~Tara

 

[Clyde R]

Thank you. There are some really helpful suggestions here.
I spent most of the weekend thinking about what steps to take now. Yesterday I was very down and depressed... Me and my wife have a very honest relationship, and it's really getting me down that I'm keeping things from her.

I still haven't decided what to do, but I think the first step will be to talk to her. Maybe the next time my step son says he is going out for the day / evening should be my opportunity to tell her I am concerned for him.

Artmom you raise a very good point, it hadn't even occurred to me that some of the encounters may be recorded. If anything like that was posted online, it could have devastating consequences for my step son.

I agree that if I take a harsh stance on this, it may drive him away and not want to talk to me about this or anything in the future.
I am angry about our address being given out and the invites to strangers though.
I really need to find a balanced way of dealing with this I guess.

 

[taraly]

Clyde R,

You need to quickly get your emotions settled first because if you don't you will take them out on him. For what ever reason he has used the home and once you feel you are ready for that answer then you can ask.

When you do talk to your wife you need to be sure that she doesn't "relieve" you of your duty to your step-son. She may want to take the situation over to "fix it" but that is not the right thing to do. You came across this and so it is either up to you two working with the boy (with you as lead) or you take it up with him alone. Do not take the easy way out. She may be his mom but she has no more say over him than you do given his legal age. She will have some great insight as to how to communicate with him and maybe that should be the point of you talking to her - get your feelings out, discover the varying angles and the best course of action. I feel really strongly that this could be an opportunity for you and your step-son, if allowed, to be a building point. You have disappointments with regards to the address and you have concerns to his safety - all the same concerns a parent would have.

~Tara