help!!! mother in law trouble...

[mummabear92]

Hi ��

So I am having a few issues with my mother in law, I always struggle with her generally but recently it is consuming Me and I really feel like I will snap and say something I regret which I don't want to do, and also I don't want it to affect my relationship with my partner who always sticks up for his mum (of course)

The recent issues have started because I stupidly agreed to go away on hol for my mums 50th which means leaving my two kids with dad for 4 days one is nearly 3 the other 7 months. I really trust dad and think they will have a great time however now his mum has suggested that they all go away to a holiday park together without me while I'm away on holiday and to be honest it has really upset me I feel like I'm purposely being left out and also my youngest has never been away and I will be missing his first holiday. Its hard enough to leave them and in my mind I was thinking oh its okay they will just be at home and be fine. So basically I made some excuses and have told my partner we have to go when I'm there too. I don't want them going without me. Am I being totally unreasonable?

I always feel there isa tussle between me and his mum and we are always going back and forth because she is over involved with my oldest child. She always try's to discipline him even when she is a guest in our own home she will say to him oh don't do that. And oh u can have this if u do this etc. I am a very relaxed mum and that is my parenting style I like to do things mt own way and I don't see why she keeps trying to take control of discipline I don't see why she doesn't want to just play with him and have fun. Another example is potty training she keeps coming round and saying oh we need to get him potty trained bla bla when I have repeatedly told her that the health visitor advised me he will do it in his own time and I don't want to pressure him. It should be my decision not hers surely. I don't know why she keeps mentioning it.

What really has tipped me over the edge is a shopping trip we went on. My child was really messing around and being naughty and In the end I had enough and said to him okay your not getting anything now and I put what I had in my hands back. Nanny walked over to me and said (after hearing what I Said to my child) I'm just going to get him what you just put back. So I said no I've told him he's not having it now. (quite crossly) then she said oh okay with an attitude. To my horror when we got home my son took out of the bag two tshirts from the shop where this all happened and said look mummy new tshirts new presents which she had secretly bought and hidden in my bag!!!!!

I'm at boiling point I don't know what to do this is one of many incidents where I feel undermined by her, please any advise would be much appreciated!

Mummabear92

 

[mamabear32018]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you discussed these issues with your husband? It sounds like she is having issues with boundaries. Perhaps then together you and your husband could sit down with her and discuss this?

 

[mom2many]

Honestly the vacation thing I do not understand, you are not going to be home so what difference does it really make?

But I can see how the other example would be frustrating. I would of taken the stuff from the child and returned it to her.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

1- potty training. She is right. If your child isn't special needs, there is no reason why you shouldn't toilet train him. When kids come to school still wearing nappies -- is very unhealthy fashion. Not to mention how wasteful and just gross.

2- vacation. So you go on vacation all by yourself, but object to your family having some fun meanwhile? Really?

 

[mummabear92]

Firstly ive asked for advice on my mother in law not for you to judge my parenting techniques. My son does not start school until January this gives him plenty of time to be potty trained. At the moment we have a relaxed approach towards it because he still feels very negative about his potty. We don't want to put him totally off it. This was all decided with the help of a health visitor, and is my choice as a mother which I shouldn't need to explain. The reason I have mentioned it on here is because despite me telling my mother in law this she tells me every time I come round that I need to start pressuring him. I've made my decision and that's final. With regards to the holiday yes it might be unrational, I have never left my children for more than one night alone. I don't want to go on holiday but feel obliged as its my mums birthday celebration, I'm not trying to make sure they don't have fun. I don't want to miss my sons first holiday, my oldest son started walking on his firsts holiday I would be devastated If I missed something like that for my other sons first holiday. Not only that but its a safety net thing I know they are safe and well at home and are just going to do things locally which I think my partner will do great at. Going away will be overwhelming for him, and I will not know that they are safe. As for my mother in law my partner has spoken to her and she has apologised so we are going to move on from I and I am going to be more assertive moving forward so that clear boundaries will be made. Thanks for all the advice, its a shame you get such judgemental people on here!!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Sorry for sounding blunt. Just my not-so-humble opinion. But look...

1- your MIL raised your husband. He turned out ok, didn't he? So maybe not everything she says or does is rubbish. Unless she was abusive/neglectful/absent parent, she has proper experience of raising a child.

2- holiday thing. Why don't you take your family along when you go to see your mum? She's their grandmother too. Then nobody misses out on anything. What if your kid starts walking when you're away anyway?

3- re potty training. Does it have to be a competition who has the last say? She thinks she knows better? Maybe she can help?

4- re presents. Yes, overindulgent grandparents are annoying. But a lot of grandparents do not bother at all. Never help, never buy anything. So count your blessings. She buys them stuff -- means you need to spend less. Your kid misbehaved that day? Put the goodies away until his behaviour improves.

 

[mummabear92]

I really think your missing my point, but thanks for the advice I will take it on board. Like I said the situation has been sorted now. Its not an option for them to come away with me unfortunately and as I've said before I'm the parent its my decision I don't mind suggestions but when I have said no to them I don't expect to repeatedly get told said suggestion everytime I see her. I think your making a few assumptions so alot of your advise isn't very useful in afraid. We have always said we will potty train in the summer, I'm sure she will be able to help out then I have no problem with her helping as long as its on my terms and respectful of my views. The experience thing doesn't come into it really we have different parenting styles in this situation she is not the parent so when I say no to things that should be final regardless of the persons experience, it also doesn't mean I don't say yes to things also. Your right that I could miss him walking anyway, I just want to know they are as safe as they can be when I'm away and for me that is knowing they are home and local. We are all going to go on holiday together with mil at another time. And finally again its not the fact she bought him presents both my parents and my partners massively spoil Both my kids I don't mind at all, I just want yo be listened to and respected when I put my foot down (not often at all) and not just treated like I'm not the mum. Lastly my partner did turn put okay yes, but he was in alot of trouble when he was a kid and I don't blame his mum entirely but at the same time I want to do things my way and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Me and my mil will always be a work in progress, ,alot of the things she says when she is discipling my son is not wrong in my opinion its just that I feel like its not her place to say it. Here's another example of when we clash my son was at my house and he was playing with water straight away my mil says to him stop playing with that water you shouldn't be doing that. I have no problem with him playing with the water so I say its okay then she says oh well he's making a mess and I say well it doesn't matter its right before bedtime and our living room is being redecorated its not a big deal. I don't feel like these situations should be happening! That's all. Were jus totally different people, but I'm confident we can find a happy medium eventually.

 

[mom2many]

When you are on a parenting site, everything is up for discussion, granted it may not be a topic you want to talk about but when you put information out there someone, or everyone is going to have an opinion. It's the nature of forums.

So here is my honest, and blunt opinion.

1. Firsts, first? Honestly anytime you see your child do something for the first time, it is a first. I have honestly never understood this mentality. I remember going to the bathroom and coming out and one of mine had decided to let go of the furniture and walk, everyone saw it before me, and it didn't happen again for over a week, but that didn't make it any less exciting for me cause others got to see it before I did. My MIL took my kids on their first airplane rides, first amusement, why parks, why would I hold them back because I didn't get to be there. Honestly, that is pretty selfish.

2. Why does your husbands opinion on their proposed vacation have no weight? Is it because you are mum? Well he is dad and if you are gone I would refer to what he wants to do since he is the one who is being left behind. Honestly, why would you have children with a man that you can not put 100% trust in his parenting abilities?

3. Potty training, now I know this is a 'thing' for me, but seriously at almost 3 a child should be potty trained, and is VERY capable of being potty trained at that age. The older they get, the greater the struggle can become, but when a kid can poop as large as an adult, it's just gross...shivers. All of mine were done at just over 2, except my special needs son and he was 3.

4. Grandparents, sometimes they mean well, it's just a matter of recognizing that.

 

[mummabear92]

Yes well as I have already said, I am going to take advice from a health visitor that knows my child over advice from misinformed mums. Please take a minute to actually think about what you are saying to me and think if it is actually helpful in anyway. I honestly do not care for your opinion on potty training, it was used as an example of when mil has crossed the line and nothing more. If you mist know my son is extremely against the potty, in fact he is quite scared of it. This does not mean that we don't encourage him everyday to try and sit on it and take him to the toilet with us etc. We have a specific plan of action with regards to potty training where we will get more serious over the summer when it I more practical. Honestly I've not asked for advice with potty training, just because its on a forum does not give you the right to put a parent down for there choices just because they are different to yours. How would you feel if I said its disgusting that you guys would let your child spend four days with a mil who you don't trust. You must not care about your children! Its a forum I've asked for advice on a specific situation, I love my mil and although we have our moments I never stop her from being a grandmother I just felt she had gone too far this time and wanted advice on how to address this with her. The holiday situation I now sorted, I see I need to be more flexible with that and will ensure dad and kids get to do something nice. As for what you've just said about why did I have kids with the father of my children, how dare you! That is a complete joke.

 

[mummabear92]

I really do not need any advice on potty training. It was just an example for people to get a sense of the tension between me and mil at times. There are plenty of examples I could of used, such as when my partner was 4 the police came to his house because he had used the n word to a neighbour. Which my mil still laughs about to this day when telling the story. The other day she was complaining to me saying that she needs to make her fence higher because the little bitches next door were peeping over (those little bitches are no more than 10 years old) its those sorts of things that make me not trust her. And not take too much of what she says on board. After alot of thought I have figured that if I let her spend one day with the boys then its no worse than four days, they can still pick up bad habits etc and I trust there dad to tell her off if he thinks she's crossing the line so if they decide to do something while I'm on holiday I will have no problem with it and release some control to them. Although I don't agree with alot of things she says she is still there grandma and I will endeavour to make more effort with her and try to let things go. But I do think if she really tries to challenge me about decisions I've made like the whole clothes situation then I will have a word with her.

 

[artmom]

I get it.
You sound like me during the first little while after my split with my daughter's dad. I was suspicious of the quality of time she was spending with her grandparents and dad. There was a lot of uncertainty and distrust on both sides. My mom explained it like this; Emotions and feelings were still raw and everyone is hurt. It takes time to heal from that. But since, I hadn't been having very much time to myself before the split, I should take that free time to focus on a hobby, relax, or just do what I need to do and not to worry about my daughter. I don't always agree with how they do things, but that's not in my control. I can't dictate how the other side of her family spends time with her. And I needed to choose my battles.
I even have issues with my mom undermining me. Just recently, too. I've been slowly finding my voice and courage to stand up for my values and expectations.
The whole clothes issue is minor. You weren't the one caving in and buying the shirts for your son. I think next time you're in that situation where your son gets what he wants after acting up, and not by you, you need to think of another punishment when you get home, or take him off somewhere and give him a stern lecture on how you expect him to act in a store. It's never too late or too early to teach manners. My only question to you is do you know if your son said thank you to grandma? My mom made me write out thank you cards to gift-givers. It would be a good idea, even he did say thank you in person, to have him send a thank you card.
When my daughter acted up around people, I had her go and apologize to those she disrupted after she had calmed down.
It's probably something you do yourself, but I thought I would put it out there. You can't always control when, what and how many gifts your son gets in life, but you can teach him how to be gracious and tactful about.
This also, can relieve any tension with those who do wish to give gifts to him.
You just go about raising your son the way you want and continue to work on communicating and co-parenting with your ex and his family. Eventually this immature game of point and blame will get tired and old when every one starts to wise up. But it's not going to happen until you change your perspective on things.
I had to do the same thing and I'm now on speaking terms with my ex-in-laws and me and her dad are co-parenting very smoothly. I don't agree nor condone my exes behaviour and I think he's an anti-roll model, but that's a whole other topic. He's her dad and I'm very thankful that he's still a big part in her life.
You have to learn to stop looking at your exes and ex-in-laws flaws, take a step back and really look at the big picture.

 

[mom2many]

Yes well as I have already said, I am going to take advice from a health visitor that knows my child over advice from misinformed mums. Please take a minute to actually think about what you are saying to me and think if it is actually helpful in anyway. I honestly do not care for your opinion on potty training, it was used as an example of when mil has crossed the line and nothing more. If you mist know my son is extremely against the potty, in fact he is quite scared of it. This does not mean that we don't encourage him everyday to try and sit on it and take him to the toilet with us etc. We have a specific plan of action with regards to potty training where we will get more serious over the summer when it I more practical. Honestly I've not asked for advice with potty training, just because its on a forum does not give you the right to put a parent down for there choices just because they are different to yours. How would you feel if I said its disgusting that you guys would let your child spend four days with a mil who you don't trust. You must not care about your children! Its a forum I've asked for advice on a specific situation, I love my mil and although we have our moments I never stop her from being a grandmother I just felt she had gone too far this time and wanted advice on how to address this with her. The holiday situation I now sorted, I see I need to be more flexible with that and will ensure dad and kids get to do something nice. As for what you've just said about why did I have kids with the father of my children, how dare you! That is a complete joke.

Yes, you basically said that you couldn't trust him, if that is the case (I really don't think it is since you are leaving him alone with them) then why marry him. Again look at what I wrote, it was about control. You are mum and feel like the say falls on you. It wasn't meant as a slam, and if you saw it that way, forums aren't for you. Take whatever advice you find useful, chew on what might be and ignore what isn't. Getting pissy doesn't help, and advice is advice, but that doesn't mean you have to take it. Look at my potty training advice, the first sentence says "I KNOW THIS IS MY ISSUE". That didn't mean it had to apply to you. <I></I>I find kids still in diapers past 2.5 gross. ME, I, so <I>I</I> repeat it is my thing.

 

[akmom]

I agree, it was not her place to buy your child things when you specifically said no. My mom tried this a few times and we also had to put our foot down. No one benefits when parents' authority is undermined.

It sounds like you want to kind of put your kids' lives "on hold" when you go on vacation with your mother, because you don't want to miss out, but it really doesn't work that way. Your kids will reach those milestones when they reach them, probably regardless of whether they are at home or on vacation. Why not let that time be a little more fun for them? Perhaps it will make it easier for them to handle their mother's absence. Or perhaps your absence will make the vacation difficult. All good considerations. However, I assure you, when you vacation with them it will be fun whether it is their first or second trip!

Your mother-in-law is probably right about a lot of things, because she is an experienced mother, but that doesn't mean you have to defer to her all the time. As a parent, you get the final say. She is right about the potty training, but it is none of her business if you want to keep your child in diapers until he is three or thirteen. As the health advisor said, there are probably no health problems with wearing diapers longer than your peers, or even wearing diapers forever for that matter (some people have no choice). It is gross and it is lazy parenting, but it's your business and you shouldn't have to deal with it yet just because your mother-in-law says so. In fact, you could kill two birds with one stone and ask your mother-in-law to potty-train him for you while you're on vacation! Then she gets her way and you get yours and your child gets to be normal when he starts school.

 

[mummabear92]

Can I just confirm we are potty training my son, we always encourage him to go on the potty etc he just hasn't shown very much interest in it. Its difficult because alot of the time when he sits on the potty we say to him shall we take your trousers and nappy off he says no thanks and then if we go over and try to get involved it totally puts him off. So far he is yet to actually go to the toilet on one, but he has been sitting on the potty everyday and we go through the motions he just always says he's going to the toilet but doesn't actually go. I've done the reward thing, that doesn't seem to bother him too much, and then it just upsets him when he says that he's been to the toilet so he should get his treat when he actually hasn't. I don't think mentally he is quite there yet, but that doesn't mean that were not encouraging him at every opportunity! Potty training was a bad example for me to use when it comes to the mil crossing boundaries I should of used something else!!

 

[akmom]

I know you didn't come here for potty training advice, but I have some anyway, so take it or leave it.

Your child isn't making the distinction between sitting on the potty and using the potty. I don't think he's necessarily mentally "not there yet." Most children can potty train by age 2. He just hasn't realized what he has to do. The best way, in my opinion, is to set aside a day to really fill him up on fluids. Some people give them sugary drinks to entice them to drink more, and salty snacks to keep them thirsty. Just for this day. Basically make it so he has to use the potty frequently, and take him to sit on it every 5 minutes. That way you are not trying to guess when he needs to go and time it perfectly. It won't take long before he ends up peeing in the potty, and then he can start to make that connection. Oh, this is what I am supposed to be dong on this thing. Musical training potties are great for this. They play music as soon as they get wet, and so the kid really makes the connection fast.

After that, it is really helpful to keep them in actual cloth underwear instead of diapers or Pull-ups. The absorbent material wicks away moisture so they don't notice when they are wet. Regular cloth training pants help them realize instantly when they are wet, so they start noticing the connection between needing to pee and making it to the potty.

It took me two weeks to potty-train my first child because I didn't know any of this, but my next two had it down within days with this method. After that we only used diapers on trips, not at home, with rarely an accident.

 

[cybele]

I think you're making issues out of things that should not be issues.

The buying things was annoying, but it sounds like you need help with toilet training and so what if they go on holiday while you do? Really, in the grand scheme of things are those things worth causing issues over?

 

[mummabear92]

I'm not bothered about it anymore, its happened we have dealt with it. I do not need help with potty training what so ever, and if I did I would never use a forum to discuss developmental issues with people who are not qualified. I would always speak to a health visitor, and I have done that already at a recent health check. My son is still very young and is not even at the average age to start potty training yet. He's simply not ready. There's no reason what so ever to push him or rush him. I'm more than happy with how things are going. He has a brand new brother and we have not so recently moved, both of which he is still processing. After two big changes it would be unnecessary to force this upon him too, and i have decided this after professional advice. I still encourage him at every opportunity and have regular conversations with him about it. I cant understand why a bunch of strangers feel like they are in any way inclined to discuss another childs developmental milestones who do not even know the child. Some peoples attitudes on here are totally disgusting.

 

[mom2many]

Some peoples attitudes on here are totally disgusting.

Excuse me? What has been disgusting exactly? Everyone on here has been there and done that, and is doing nothing more then offering up suggestions on what has worked for them. There is nothing disgusting about parents on a parenting forum offering up advice. Maybe forums aren't for you since you seem to feel that name calling when given honest advice is the way to do things/

 

[mummabear92]

You've not given any suggestions yourself actually, all you've actually done is give an opinion as opposed to any solid advice. Think your confusing the two. I've been told its gross, disgusting, lazy parenting and most people have actually not given any suggestions but instead just spouted off about when they managed to get there own child potty trained. I am disgusted by how judgemental certain people have been including yourself. Not to mention how rude people are being by repeatedly giving me opinions about potty training I neither want nor need. Lastly I would just like to point out that, it was you yourself that said forums are for people to say what ever they want to say despite whether being asked. If you don't like what I have to say, and you don't like hearing my opinion on 'things' for me then you don't have to read or respond!! Perhaps forums are not really for you. You seem to have a hard time being objective, or giving sound advice. Its funny how its okay for you to give your opinion and not for me to give mine.

 

[artmom]

Your own stubbornness is the cause of your failure to turn your situation around. Your OP has stated a few examples that have separate issues, yet you lump them as being just examples to show your distrust and hatred towards your ex and his family. We have but one side of the story, no other references, other than finding common similarities to our own experiences. It's the nature of forums. Yet, you expect us to magically come up with the perfect solution to your problem with only your situation to refer to.
You were the one who brought up the examples and it really does look like you were wanting advice for all of them.
I can see by your reaction to our advice, examples and opinions that you are unwilling to take a step back and look at the big picture. Regardless of the little things, there is a breakdown of communication in your family. You need to look at yourself and dummy up. I think problem is mainly you. Stop being defensive and learn that it's not just the mother that has a hand in raising your kids.

If you don't like this forum you don't have to be here but keep in mind this moral:
"He that finds discontentment in one place is not likely to find happiness in another" - Aesop