Help Please!...

[glp]

My girlfriends' son just turned 11 last week. I don't know where to start. Well, I'll start off that he finished the 5th grade with a 76.5 average. Bellow 75 is failing. He did $1,000 damage to the side of a truck with his bike just a week after the school year ended. I was amazed he wasn't grounded for getting bad grades and was blown away when he said the truck damage was an accident and still, he wasn't grounded. So, he passed by 1.6 points and did $1,000 damage without punishment. Ok, the next week he went to his dad's for the summer.
He came back and started 6th grade. He tellshis mom he's doing good in school but does his homework at the end of the school day, at school. So last month he is brought home by the cops for being on a roof of a community center. Grounded for the weekend. Last weekend, he waited to show his report card to his mother at 9pm Sunday night. All grades were below 70. Failing in everything but gym. So now he is grounded. Has to stay in the house but I know he's playing his Xbox at times and still gets to use his ipod.
Please help me understand why anyone would let thier child go on like this? I can't take it anymore! Whenever I tell her what I would do, she says I'm too strict and rolls her eyes. I would confine him to his room, no TV, computers, ipods. Nothing but his school books, other books, and a radio. I would do this until there is an improvement in his report card. This kid needs some major structure and discipline! How can I get my girlfriend to see this or am I just too strict?

 

[Xero]

I definitely understand where you're coming from, and I agree that the boy could probably use a little more structure and discipline. Sounds a little bit like he's running kinda wild. BUT I would just always try to keep in mind that's its not always easy for a mother to be hard on her son, her baby. I have this problem a lot, and sometimes yes my son gets away with things that he definitely shouldn't. But he's a boy, and just a little boy, and he can't always get it right. I find myself going to easy on him all the time, and I think he has probably developed some attitude thanks to that. What I'm trying to say is that I know how she feels and I know where she's coming from. Thankfully I have my husband around to help me with the discipline stuff. It sounds like she has to do it all on her own - I gotta tell you, until you've been there, you could never imagine how hard it is. Its hard enough to be mean to your kids when you have the other parent there standing ground with you. I can only imagine trying to do it on my own.

I think at best (since you are just her boyfriend, and really the boy is kind of her responsibility if you know what I mean) you can just continue to gently chime in with your opinion. Don't be mean to her, like I said its not easy. But keep pointing out the fact that he's doing poorly in school because she isn't staying on top of him as much as he needs. I'm sure she notices, but I think it helps to hear it from somebody else too. Try to lend a helping hand, and try not to be judgemental. Hopefully she will come to realize that he could be doing better in life if she would discipline him more, but it might take some time and some eye opening experiences. He might sadly have to fail a grade for her to realize something must be done. But again, as only an outside party to the whole situation, there just isn't a whole lot you can do.

 

[IADad]

I agree with what Xero said.

I think she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't desire your parenting input, so I'd stop offering it. But that means she can't complain to you about his behavior or achievement. You've tried to help, it's not been well received. Now, I know you weren't asking for relationship advice, but iff you see this iresponsible behavior on her part and really a lack of an rrespect for your opinions or efforts to help, I wonder how much of a relationship you can build. You didn't say if you are living with her, that obviously makes a big difference. But in short, I don't think your view is overly strict and I don't think you can make her listen to you. Sounds like time to accept the situation or change it.

 

[glp]

Yes my girlfriend and her son live with me. I'm feeling kind of lost. It bothers me to see something so obviuos as she doesn't. I'm at a standstill as what to do next in my life. Not to happy with the situation I'm in. I don't want to be a part of something where an 11 yo controls my house. Thanks for the replies!

 

[Andy in NY]

I myself come from a pretty similar situation. I was where you are 5 years ago. And i'm going to be pretty frank about my experience.

I can say that if i was given the oppertunity to do it again, I probably wouldn't marry my wife. Its not that i dont love her. But when we first got together, her kids were wild, doing whatever they pleased. after i moved in i started taking a little bit of a role in discipline. then when we got married even more of a role. She has started disciplining them more, but because she didnt before the kids know that and feel that I am convincing her to do these things. My 2 step kids practically hate my guts. a few years ago they devised a plan to get me to move out. they tell me all the time that things were so much easier/nicer before i was around. My 11 yr old stepson is physically abusive towards me (he has other stuff going on with ADHD and behavior issues) and my 14 yr old step daughter tells me on almost a regular basis that im NOT her father and not to tell her what to do and that i should leave. She wont even let me sign permission slips for school because she feels i am NOT her legal guardian.

and if you have a child with this woman? well my step kids resent the hell out of the fact that their sister has her daddy there all the time and they dont.


Its not an easy road dude. but if you are up for the challenge...

my advice to you is to let her handle things, and make suggestions out of range of the boy. but if shes like my wife, she wont change much because shes already used to a certain way.

 

[chikygrl13]

I'm in a similar situation.
My boyfriend's daughter is almost 14 (in Dec) and a Freshman in high school. She's getting A's in her 2 band classes and that's it... She's failing Math, Science, Autoshop (why she's in auto is beyond me) She has a low C in English. Now she's being told that she can't participate in Band events (football games and a competition this weekend) because her GPA is so low. She's not getting into any other trouble, except for the fact that she has a bad attitude, she's extroridinarily lazy and apathetic. Doesn't care about anything. A BIG part of the problem is that her Dad did spoil her, he felt so guilty about her Mom leaving (mom's a drug addict) that he let her get away with MURDER! Now she walks all over him. He's very sensitive (for a guy) and gets very upset when she blames all her problems on him, and goes off about how he is ruining her life and how much she hates him.

She's tried to break us up, and I think she will continue. The unfortunate thing is, is that she has NO credibility. Most of what she says nowadays are complete lies. I know part of her resents me, I'm a teacher, I've seen (and probably done) every trick in the book and I try to keep her father consistant. I know in the long run, structure and discipline will be good for her, and I know she knows that I really do have her best interest in heart.

She's in therapy, and has been for a couple of years. Her mom resurfaced last Christmas, only to disappear again, and I'm sure that plays a part in her behavior.

The problem I have with your girlfriend's son's behavior is that the police are involved. Where is his biological father in all of this? I think there are serious underlying issues and you may want to seek the help of a trained professional that can help y'all deal with this issue.

 

[crackerbuzz]

My girlfriends' son just turned 11 last week. I don't know where to start. Well, I'll start off that he finished the 5th grade with a 76.5 average. Bellow 75 is failing. He did $1,000 damage to the side of a truck with his bike just a week after the school year ended. I was amazed he wasn't grounded for getting bad grades and was blown away when he said the truck damage was an accident and still, he wasn't grounded. So, he passed by 1.6 points and did $1,000 damage without punishment. Ok, the next week he went to his dad's for the summer.
He came back and started 6th grade. He tellshis mom he's doing good in school but does his homework at the end of the school day, at school. So last month he is brought home by the cops for being on a roof of a community center. Grounded for the weekend. Last weekend, he waited to show his report card to his mother at 9pm Sunday night. All grades were below 70. Failing in everything but gym. So now he is grounded. Has to stay in the house but I know he's playing his Xbox at times and still gets to use his ipod.
Please help me understand why anyone would let thier child go on like this? I can't take it anymore! Whenever I tell her what I would do, she says I'm too strict and rolls her eyes. I would confine him to his room, no TV, computers, ipods. Nothing but his school books, other books, and a radio. I would do this until there is an improvement in his report card. This kid needs some major structure and discipline! How can I get my girlfriend to see this or am I just too strict?

Oh man, I am going through this....

 

[crackerbuzz]

Yes my girlfriend and her son live with me. I'm feeling kind of lost. It bothers me to see something so obviuos as she doesn't. I'm at a standstill as what to do next in my life. Not to happy with the situation I'm in. I don't want to be a part of something where an 11 yo controls my house. Thanks for the replies!

BEst thinkg I think is to start with a councillor and see if you can come to a middle ground somewhere. She needs to respect your beliefs to some degree if you are living in the same house.

 

[Xero]

You know, I actually agree with that crackerbuzz. I'm sorry glp - I was kind of under the impression you did not live in the same house. If it is affecting your day to day, your opinions and feelings should definitely come into play when he is being disciplined. I still think she plays the main role in his life, but you should at least have somewhat of a hand in how your house runs.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

what about something less hostile than punishments? like... sitting down and helping with his homework?

 

[cknorr]

With my step kids(daughter is 11), I constantly check on her homework. Kids just lack the motivation to do those things on their own so parents need to keep on top of it daily. Also, sounds like the mom really doesn't even care if he turns into a criminal as he ages. I hate being strict but I would hate it even more if my kids were in prison or abused drugs so I can take "being mean" and making sure my kids are supervised, checked upon, and homework done and grades ok.

 

[glp]

His mother only helps once in a while but then she does it for him. The problem is he lies and says he doesn't have homework. Then it's, oh I forgot. I don't have to be concerned any longer though. I told his mother they have to move out and that I won't tollerate this stress in my life. Now I just have to wait til they are gone.

 

[Xero]

Aw, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you guys.

 

[nancy2332]

I agree with ^, sometimes violence isnt the answer

 

[loveydoveybabyk]

To me it seems like she feels a little guilty for not bieng with his dad and that she wants him to not be upset with her so she lets him do what he wants so that he's happy.