Help should I call her?...

[Old_Dad93]

I have a problem problem I am hoping for some advice. In 1989 I had a girlfriend, I'll call her Mary. We broke up in March. Mary moved out of state. We were "together" the following May during a visit back to town. Mary showed up at my Mother's house the following September she asked how I was doing, my mom said I had a new girlfriend and was doing well. Mary told my mom she was pregnant but it was not mine, but somebody she met out of state and if my mom was interested in adopting the baby. My mom declined.

The following Februrary Mary showed up at my moms again with the baby, I'll call the baby Jenny. She asked if my mom would reconsider adopting Jenny but my mom declined. Mary asked if she could watch her during the day for a couple weeks to help her and my mom agreed. I was puzzled when I found this out, I saw Baby Jenny and she kind of looked like me but since Mary said she wasn't mine I thought I should believe her, I was young. A couple weeks went by and Mary told my mom she found a family to adopt JEnny in an open adoption

As the years went on I always felt Jenny could have been mine. I was able to track down Mary on Facebook this year. I asked her if Jenny was mine. She said no it was someone else. I reminded her we were together in May 1989 and she said she didn't remember that far back. She did tell me Jenny was born on Jan 31st 1990. I asked who the father was and she started to get iterated and I saw some pics of Jenny on her page and she had some resemblences to my family.

Mary blocked me and said to never contact her again. I found Jenny's address online, should I contact her? She is now in her 20s.

I have a daughter and wife, they are ok with it. I am afraid I'll hurt Jenny.

Help a good heart!

 

[page16]

Hello old dad, welcome to the forum.

How much do you know about Jenny? (e.g. does she have a good home, is she loved? Does she know that she was adopted)

I think it might be awkward to call her, because what would you tell her? That you might or might not be her dad? If I were you, I would try and get in touch with the people who adopted her and discuss it with them.

If Jenny is yours, you have a right to know, and personally I feel that you should act, or else you will always wonder, what if....

 

[Old_Dad93]

Thanks for the response. I know almost nothing about Jenny. I've seen some pics. She looks happy. I don't even know for sure if she was adopted. Mary gave me no info other than she couldn't remember that far back, she couldn't recall. When I asked for more details she got upset and blocked me. Yes I'm actually considering writing a letter. Basically just telling her I'm here and I could be her dad. It's her decision to pursue it further? This has been tearing me up for years! It took me over 20 years to tell my wife or talk to my mom about it.
Thanks for the advice. The independent advice is really helpful.

 

[Wickett]

If the baby was not yours, why would it be Mary's initial reaction to go to your house?

 

[Old_Dad93]

I have always wondered the same thing. When it first happened I was very confused and young. Now being older i wish I would have requested a DNA test.

 

[page16]

It might still be possible to request a DNA test...

 

[akmom]

You could hire a private investigator to see what you can find out.

I understand being confused about the whole situation when you were young, but it seems odd to have a sudden, serious interest in the issue 20 years later. You didn't seriously wonder about it 5 or 10 years later? Or maybe you were afraid of having any parental responsibilities, and now that she is clearly too old for that, you're finally willing to entertain your longstanding curiosity.

It's possible that Jenny is curious about her biological relatives too. You could always write a brief letter describing your suspicions and inviting her to do a DNA test.

 

[Old_Dad93]

Thanks for the reply AKmom,
in the first few years I was really unsure and heard she was adopted. As the years passed I did gain curiousity and feelings on the matter. However I felt at this point she was a minor and has been adopted by a family. Also before social media it was difficult to even find people. I kind of always hoped she would come and find me when she became an adult. Remember Mary said she wasn't mine so I was always unsure. And this is not the type of thing that a man should have to seek or argue. I was not afraid of parental responsibly as I already had a child.

The reason for the recent surge of interest was some events last year that led to a conversation with my Mom that revealed Mary actually asked that she adopt her. I hadn't heard that before and that sparked much more feelings.

Thanks again

 

[babybibsplus]

I think you should try to contact her. She is an adult now and may be wondering who her father is. This could bring closure for both of you and possibly a family for her.