Ok so I have a question, or a couple I guess. Need advice
Background info
My daughter is 12 (in a week)
Her father and I had a long toxic seperation and some forms of abuse between him and I happened at the end of the marriage. He was absent for a little over a year, and has been in and out her entire life. (He stepped up over the last few weeks being more involved)
My daughter has had a hard time coping with this, obviously.
Luckily her and I are extremely close.
We also share a 4 year old. However these questions aren't really about her.
It's been 2.5 years since we split.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year or so, and he also has two daughters.
11 and 8.
They are good kids, I'd say they are well behaved most of the time.
However they severely, and I mean severely lack independence.
It's annoying, and it causes me stress along with my boyfriend and my children.
I'm patient and understanding for the most part.
Here's an example (they wore diapers at bedtime when I got involved with their father)
It was as simple as saying "No, this isn't normal, you wet the bed because you have a diaper on'
It didn't take but two weeks, and never had a bed wetting incident again.
The mother is a good mom, I have zero issues with her, other than the constant state of anxiety and dramatic hypochondriac stuff I see every day. (from her and the girls) oh ya, she just had a baby too. Which I assume has a lot to do with the neediness climaxing this month.
Back to my daughter, she is independent, has strong leadership skills, and an imagination like I've never seen. She wasn't allowed tablets or cable much growing up. Maybe that has something to do with it. I wouldn't say I am an overbaring mother, but I am very involved. (And stubborn since I have been mom and dad for a very long time)
I lack in discipline strength. A fault I am working on.
She gets so mad at his girls because they would rather follow me around, stand outside my door, or laying around than playing.
Everyone has lazy days, but these girls do not engage in playing. at all.
My ex lives with a friend who has children, and my girls would rather spend time there because they enjoy playing outside and having adventures. Where here, we have the woods, a pool, a trampoline, dirt roads, a creek.... And these kids would rather watch me clean.
My boyfriend is wonderful. He is supportive of me, my family adores him, my youngest thinks very highly of him. Where my oldest sees him as the stepdad who pushed her dad out of the way. Totally untrue. But I think that's a normal emotion. Most of the time she engages with him positively.
My issue with this relationship is, he is much harder on my daughter than any of them. I've pointed it out, but they both are stubborn people.
My question is, could the lack of independence they have cause disrespect from my daughter ? That being said, I'm not making an excuse for her bad behavior. (Such as pushing or bullying) I have zero tolerance for it.
He disagrees with me talking it out with her, and claims I don't punish. I don't take things away, or do whatever he thinks necessary.
I understand why he is frustrated. I just wish he could put himself in the shoes of the children the same way I can. And understand the underlying issues.
He is always on me about "what is punishment going to be?' "where is discipline!?"
And I'm over here like... Locking myself in my room because I can't even go to the bathroom without his girls asking or needing 35 things.
What can I do to blend these kids better ? Or am I doomed.?
Background info
My daughter is 12 (in a week)
Her father and I had a long toxic seperation and some forms of abuse between him and I happened at the end of the marriage. He was absent for a little over a year, and has been in and out her entire life. (He stepped up over the last few weeks being more involved)
My daughter has had a hard time coping with this, obviously.
Luckily her and I are extremely close.
We also share a 4 year old. However these questions aren't really about her.
It's been 2.5 years since we split.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year or so, and he also has two daughters.
11 and 8.
They are good kids, I'd say they are well behaved most of the time.
However they severely, and I mean severely lack independence.
It's annoying, and it causes me stress along with my boyfriend and my children.
I'm patient and understanding for the most part.
Here's an example (they wore diapers at bedtime when I got involved with their father)
It was as simple as saying "No, this isn't normal, you wet the bed because you have a diaper on'
It didn't take but two weeks, and never had a bed wetting incident again.
The mother is a good mom, I have zero issues with her, other than the constant state of anxiety and dramatic hypochondriac stuff I see every day. (from her and the girls) oh ya, she just had a baby too. Which I assume has a lot to do with the neediness climaxing this month.
Back to my daughter, she is independent, has strong leadership skills, and an imagination like I've never seen. She wasn't allowed tablets or cable much growing up. Maybe that has something to do with it. I wouldn't say I am an overbaring mother, but I am very involved. (And stubborn since I have been mom and dad for a very long time)
I lack in discipline strength. A fault I am working on.
She gets so mad at his girls because they would rather follow me around, stand outside my door, or laying around than playing.
Everyone has lazy days, but these girls do not engage in playing. at all.
My ex lives with a friend who has children, and my girls would rather spend time there because they enjoy playing outside and having adventures. Where here, we have the woods, a pool, a trampoline, dirt roads, a creek.... And these kids would rather watch me clean.
My boyfriend is wonderful. He is supportive of me, my family adores him, my youngest thinks very highly of him. Where my oldest sees him as the stepdad who pushed her dad out of the way. Totally untrue. But I think that's a normal emotion. Most of the time she engages with him positively.
My issue with this relationship is, he is much harder on my daughter than any of them. I've pointed it out, but they both are stubborn people.
My question is, could the lack of independence they have cause disrespect from my daughter ? That being said, I'm not making an excuse for her bad behavior. (Such as pushing or bullying) I have zero tolerance for it.
He disagrees with me talking it out with her, and claims I don't punish. I don't take things away, or do whatever he thinks necessary.
I understand why he is frustrated. I just wish he could put himself in the shoes of the children the same way I can. And understand the underlying issues.
He is always on me about "what is punishment going to be?' "where is discipline!?"
And I'm over here like... Locking myself in my room because I can't even go to the bathroom without his girls asking or needing 35 things.
What can I do to blend these kids better ? Or am I doomed.?
