How do I know if I was a good step parent?...

[bill1971]

My girlfriend of 14 years and I are having alot of issues. One of the major ones is that she says I haven't been there for the kids. When we met they were 10 for the daughter and 12 and 13 for the boys.

They are now 23, 26 and 27. On fathers day I didn't get a card or any even acknowledgement. My long time girlfriend says that the kids don't feel like I am there for them. I guess she's right. We have been living together since 2005. I always helped support them and were there if they needed help with homework and for the daughter learning to drive.

There biological father was in the picture at first and has now abandoned them for the past 2 or 3 years.

I always felt like I was more of a buddy than a wise sage or disciplinarian. Me and her fight quite often, where she yells and to be honest I don't deescalate very well. We are both in counseling.

What is the mark of a good parent? I really feel like I failed, especially in her eyes.

 

[bill1971]

Another part to this.

I have been told that my parents haven't been good step grand parents to the kids either. They do send them I think its either 25 or 50 dollar gift cards on their birthday and Christmas and they text them. When they visit from out of state they always want to see them and spend time with them, although to be honest their main priority is to see me and my brother. I know the middle son has to be nagged to say a simple thank you for the card.

I know where my girlfriend is coming from, her own dad isn't very present in their lives and there is bad blood between the kids and the biological dad. She is just being protective of her kids but at the same time I think her expectations may not match mine or my parents.

I know when my mom bought tickets to come out to visit in September, she sent a text out to me, my gf, the 3 kids, my brother and his partner. The only ones who didn't respond were her and the kids. I can't control or get angry for their actions but if someone reaches out I think it's polite to reach back even if they feel slighted or not loved enough.

 

[artmom]

Frankly, I think text messages are okay if you want to send a little message or quick question. But not nice when trying to reach long distant relatives you don't get to see very much. A phone call, email, mailed letter shows you put in more effort.
My dad once sent me a text message voice mail thing (because I don't own a cellphone) to say happy birthday. It was cold and void of any real meaning. It actually really hurt my feelings very much.
As someone who has received a lot of money from relatives over the years as a gift, I can say that it sends a mixed message. Sure it's nice for someone to say here's free money. Use it as you wish. But it also says that you don't really know that person well enough to know what would make a special gift or know what they need. It can feel like the person giving money didn't want to put the thought into the effort. Especially when it's the only type of gift sent to you.
I don't think you are a bad step-dad. It's just that at a certain point, father's day is deemed sort of something for kids and their dads. Whereas the older we get we use that day to spend time with our dads or give our dad's a phone call.
I don't think I gave a father's day card or any father's day acknowledgement to any of my step-dad's throughout my life.
I don't understand why your wife is complaining to you about how her kids treat you as a step-parent and why they don't give out thank you letters when she is the one who raised them. Well, along with you, but I think some of the perspective the kids have of you may come from her own judgements. This is something you need to discuss with her.
You can try to reach out to your step-kids and ask them honestly what they think of you as a step-parent. Just brace yourself for any harsh criticisms.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

My girlfriend

That's you answer. You didn't even marry that woman.

Sorry to be blunt.

 

[cybele]

I guess that's ultimately up to them and their own perception.

 

[bill1971]

I had thought I was but now their mom are saying that they don't feel like I really love them and am not committed and that I put my parents above them

I am trying to do more research and found some good things to look at. Anyone else have similar situations? What did you do? Any good books?

 

[Maplebeanz]

I think if you could make the kids happy when your around then you could be a great parent.

But I also think those efforts should not be taken for granted, the other side must notice it and not only the results.

Parenting is team job anyway.

 

[SamarthGodara]

Hello bill,
I am a psychologist, in your situation if you want to be a good parent, i would like to advice you that you should give at least an hour to the kids at least 2-3 times a week. Try doing creative stuff like dinner, sports, art etc.