CraigK said:
I have a fifteen year old daughter who is going into her sophomore year of high school. At the end of the school year last year, she started hanging out with this new girl, we'll call her "Haley." Something about her has just rubbed me the wrong way. She never comes over to our house, our daughter always has to go there. Sleepovers are exactly the same. I can never come inside to say hello to the parents. It's always a quick drop off and a horn honk when they leave. Everything has to be run through their family. Hayley has never been rude to me, but she's never been friendly to me and my wife either.
My daughter has become snappier when around her and seems to be more snippy than usual. I understand that this is also a result of her growing up, but there's something amiss here.
Am I overthinking this? I don't want to "ban" them from seeing each other, I just want to know the people who are spending all this time with me daughter.
Is that too much to ask?
I can only share with you what happened in my family and childhood to produce results similar to what you are experiencing.
My parents, not me, succeeded in alienating and pushing me away from a very early age so, by the time I was in my teens, I had the power and need to go find "friends" who would accept, befriend and LOVE me in ways my unfriendly, hostile, abusive and shaming parents would or could not. I, just like your daughter, gravitated to "friends" that were very different from my own but made me feel welcomed, respected and ACCEPTED. I just couldn't resist being involved with others who seemed to accept and love me just as I am - even if some of my new friends were unsavory, low-life types. Looking back, it is glaringly obvious to me that my unfriendly, hostile, abusive parents could have easily kept me close to and with them all along IF ONLY they had bothered to accept, love and HELP me as some kind of a friend instead of as my jailers, wardens and unfriendly owners. I assume they believed they were "guiding" and "helping" me to grow up and become as good and powerful as they were but all they did was drive me under ground at a very early age to do all sorts of nasty stuff behind their ignorant, menacing backs and move further and further away from them towards much more fun and FRIENDLY strangers who also despised my parents as much as I did. My parents may have believed they were doing the best they could but all they did was deeply damage me and it took a lot of years in therapy to undo their damages!
Re: "I understand that this is also a result of her growing up, but there's something amiss here."
Jim: This is NOT the result of "growing up" - it's the result of bad, offensive, hurtful, distancing and unloving PARENTING!!! What is "amiss" is: love, respect and ACCEPTANCE from the parent to the child. Only the parent has the power and obligation to fix whatever is "amiss" in a family.
"Am I overthinking this? I don't want to "ban" them from seeing each other, I just want to know the people who are spending all this time with me daughter."
You are not "overthinking this", you just like my parents, are totally MISUNDERSTANDING what YOU are doing to your own child! You can ban and police all you like but that will not repair the rift that you alone have set up between you and your child. You daughter might want to spend more "time" with you if only she felt welcome, wanted and respected by you. Her friends are supplying what she should be getting from her own parents! I always felt more loved and respected by ANYONE other than my own parents.
"Is that too much to ask?"
You are asking the WRONG question! A more useful question might be: How can I/we restore the love, respect, trust and closeness that WE have lost in our relationship with our own child BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? My very ignorant and stubborn parents could have very easily turned it all around if only they had stopped bullying and shaming me and treated me with some respect and friendship. I would have gladly opened myself up to them and stayed happily close to them IF ONLY THEY HAD ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.
The good news is that after many unhappy, angry and painful years in jail, therapy, broken marriages, etc., I (and my damaged siblings) finally did find love, self-respect and happiness despite the rotten way we were raised by our also damaged parents so, perhaps it will all turn out well for your daughter anyway. It would and could be a much happier story for all of you if you, the parents, could get honest about what you are doing to your child, get some counseling and turn it all around BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. My parents never did but that was their sad and pathetic choice. I'd get a book or 2 on parenting or just google it.
Good luck........
