I don't know what would be best for my daughter.....

[conundrum]

As my name indicates, I have a conundrum. I haven't seen my daughter since my ex and I separated. My daughter was 9 months old at the time. The separation was not the most pleasant and well, here we are almost 3 years later. I'm hoping to see my daughter who has been living with my ex. (Yes, I could likely pursue legal avenues and make her, but I don't see how that could be in my daughter's best interest. Adding stress, both emotional and financial to her mum's life can't be good for her.) One of the big reasons I am hesitating is that having not seen me for almost 3 years, will it be good for my daughter to see me again? Will it be healthy for her? Keeping in mind that I live a long way away and wouldn't be able to see her very often. Would seeing me and then not seeing me just be creating emotional problems?

Obviously I want to see her, but if it would be best for my daughter for me to hold off until she is a little older then - painfully - that is what I will do.

Any thoughts?

 

[artmom]

I think every child deserves to see both their parents. Your daughter may not remember you or doesn't know you very well and won't have the same attachment towards you. The important thing is that she get to know you and in her later years she will be glad you at least made an attempt. Young kids tend to go with the flow. Sometimes they will get emotional and confused. "You can explain to her that mommy lives far away and will see as much as she can. You live with daddy and he takes care of you. We bother love you." Over time they will understand. But you have to make a commitment to stay on a solid schedule so she knows when you are coming and going to make it easier on her. Whether it's every Saturday or every other Sunday or one specific day a month. It would be wiser to find a way to visit more regularily. If you want to pursue joint custody or get visitation rights you could contact a mediator. Prepare to answer some hard questions.
I don't know what your back story is behind you not having custody and living far away and all that. I'm not going to judge you but don't be surprised if her dad makes a fuss as to why you want to start seeing her now. If you are the type of ex spouses that can't get along when you see each other, then it's a better idea to make arrangements with a 3rd party (like a grandparent) to meet you halfway your route and plan something with your daughter.
But being a parent doesn't mean seeing your kids whenever it's convenient for you. You have to put in the sacrifices that every other parent puts in. If you don't plan on seeing your daughter often and only once every few months or a few times a year then you should reconsider, may be leave it until she is older so she can make the decision if she wants you in her life.
If it really is such a burden that you cannot possibly get to her no matter how hard you try then you can communicate to her through emails, Skype, snail mail, phone calls. Send her meaningful gifts and just keep in touch often. The sooner you start the better.

 

[akmom]

Three years is also a long time to heal. It may be worth reaching out to the mother with your request, to see if you can make amicable arrangements. Just because the breakup was vicious doesn't necessarily mean communication will still be tense now. You may be surprised. Perhaps you could start by simply asking for a photo or updates on your daughter. Open the lines of communication, then make it known that you would like to see her. Go from there. It can't hurt to try.

I don't think it is that hard to get visitation rights in court, if it comes to that. It's custody that would be a challenge. You can make your flexibility known to the judge, in terms of putting it off until the child is older, if that makes things easier. You will probably be ordered to pay some child support as well, which would mitigate the financial burden on the mother. A lot of times these things get moved to mediation, which touts better satisfaction rates by all parties.

 

[chrisjuaen]

I agree with the artmom that every child deserves to see both their parents. The best part of your meeting is that she gets to know you.

If you want to pursue joint custody or get visitation rights you could contact a legal mediator. You need to be preparing for some strict questioning.