I have a question from a teenagers perspective

[justateen]

Hello, I am having trouble dealing and trying to figureout my reltationship with my mother. I wanted to post a couple things and see if I'm in the wrong and if there are some things I can do.
My mom has never really been close in my life, not to say that she hasn't been absent or anything or unwilling to help me when I need it and I am extremly gratefull but our relationship is horrible. She has always every couple months when I will do something small such as eat her soup in the cupboard will suddenly go off on me and start screaming at me how that was her one thing and that things around the house must change because she does everything around the house. She has been doing this since I was 10 and until now when I'm 16. I agree with her, it's not fair that she does the majority of the housekeeping, but she has severe ocd and whenever I try to help, it is either not good enough or I did the chore too late. My father works late everyday and is always too tired to help as he works everyday of the week becuase he is a workaholic. My mom has constantly told me many times of how she would be better off without me and my father and that her life would be so much better with just her and the dogs. She has told me many times that she loves the dogs more than me in fact. She also does not let me have many normal things that regular people my age would have which has casued much discord between us, she won't let me use my phone until a certain time which is 8 and doesn't let me use the internet at my house which has lead to me doing alot of studying. I am just very frustrated and resent her fully. She has made me into such a nice and caring person but only becuase I know what it's like when people aren't that way towards you. Maybe I'm overeacting? I don't know, I just needed a place to vent and see some responses, let me know what you guys think.

 

[Moonstone]

Well first of all it really sucks that your mom says she'd be better off without you and your father. I got a sting once from my dad, as an adult, when he told me that he "didn't choose to have [us (my sister and I)]". I can't imagine what that's like when you can't do anything about it as a minor. Part of me thinks she's just saying this out of anger since she's an adult and can leave if she really wants to. Mind going into detail about that situation? Does mom work or is she a stay home mom/housewife?

It's not your fault that you don't keep up with your mom's cleanliness standards. My sister and I didn't clean to my dad's standard, but he also didn't do any cleaning himself. Eventually he was working so much that he didn't really hound us about it. The only thing I can think you can maybe do in that department is try not to make things messy in the first place. Ex: do you have a dishwasher? Put your dishes straight in there when you're done. If it's full take the couple minutes to empty it (how much can you really mess up putting clean dishes away?) then start with your new dirty dishes. I go by the old Girl Scout code of "leave things the way you found it". Of course, that depends on what you have available to you to maintain it.

As far as eating your mom's food, does she leave a note on it or anything? Or put it in a specific place that's "just her stuff"? If not, that may be a good idea. You're not her roommate, you're her child, she's supposed to buy food for you. As far as you're concerned if it's in the house and there's no note it's fair game. Depending on the dynamic with your father the same goes for him (ex: if your mom does the grocery shopping for the family vs they do their own shopping) Even if you go shopping with her and she tells you "this is my soup" she can't expect you to remember that. Unless she always gets a specific brand or kind that's special for her and you/dad learn over time "she always gets Campbell's chunky chicken soup for herself". Ex: in my house Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate is my treat so my husband always asks before he eats any or, if he eats it without asking, he always leaves enough for me. So in your mom's soup example if she gets 5 cans always leave 1 or 2 for her.

Anyway, I don't think you're overreacting. Your mom is saying cruel things to you but hopefully she's only frustrated and doesn't really mean it. And there are things she can do to help with the tension (leaving notes) and there are limited things you can do to help (trying not to leave a mess). At the end of the day though she's the adult and needs to bare most of the responsibility.

By the way, are you able to start working soon? It might be a nice way for you to start building your future and an "out" if, once you hit 18, you find you've had enough and want to try renting your own place.

 

[justateen]

Thanks. To answer your question, she does in fact work however she works at home. I am a only child as well so that may have something to do with it. I also can't start working anytime soon becuase of my social secuirty issue. My father adopted me before he met my mom and the name on my social secuirty card was never changed to match my legal name. Becuase of this I can not get a job or my liecense until I get it fixed and only my father can go in and change it becuase he's the only technicaul legal guardian of me. Today she said that we needed to have a family talk where she sat down and told me and my father after we had come home from buying her soup to replace the one I ate and buying me stuff to eat so that in the future this wouldn't happen. She told us how under appreciated she felt and how she does everything and no one helps her but most if not all the points she brought up were mute. I don't get home until 6 becuase of sports on weekdays and she says no one helps her but openly admits to never asking for help. I'm barley home at all during the week becuase I get home late and on weekends me and my father leave early in the morning to go to his mechanic shop and we don't get home till 5 or later. She sometimes has these 'talks', but it's just her talking at me and my father and nothing becomes of it. He doesn't suddenly start doing yard work or chores and I don't. I'm not even a bad kid, I get good grades I'm in all honors classes I do sports, I'm responsible, I make good choices. It just seems unfair that I do everything right in my life and still it's not good enough.

 

[Moonstone]

I understand where you're coming from. And thank you for clarifying. Again, your mother chose to be with your father knowing you were in the picture. It sounds like she's ungrateful too. Did she thank you and your father for replacing the soup and picking up food for you?

Maybe you can talk to your parents about talking to a family therapist. Some might do a free session to start and you might be able to find one online to do a virtual meeting so you can meet when everyone is home. Of course, shop around, too. The therapists will have different personalities at very least and some will also follow different schools of thought.

Also, your dad really needs to get on changing your social security, especially if you're even a little interested in getting a job. Are you interested in a job?

 

[justateen]

Yah I really am and he works full time 7 days a week so he just hasn't had anytime. Also the social secuitry offices are closed becuase of covid except for essental and that isnot cosidered essental.

 

[Moonstone]

Did you/he ask if it's something that can be fixed online? Seems like a terrible rule to deem it non-essential and not have an alternative way to do it. (DMVs in my area are open, just need to set an appointment.)

It's too bad I'm not related to you otherwise I'd call and make a big stink about it.

 

[GordonDean]

Learn programming and you'll be fine