I want to kick my 22 y/o son out

[LINYBob]

I am a divorced dad and I've had my 22 y/o son living with me since he graduated from high school. So 4-5 years now. My ex lives 150 miles away in another state and he says he would never live there. Too boring or whatever.

He has been in special ed, ADHD spectrum classes, etc since he was in kindergarten so he is not a regular kid, but not so bad either.

I have put him into community college but he never completed it. I paid for a vocational course, but he did not complete it. He has had numerous jobs, but none lasted more than a month or so.

He does not currently have a driver's license. He has been through roughly 10 cars since he first got his license - I helped him out $$ with a few of them, but he would sell a car and get a different one or whatever. He also racked up a ton of tickets and finally his license was revoked. I had to help out with all those fines and lawyer's fees. Close to $15k wasted just for that stuff.

I am retired and am getting sick of this. I want my own life. I can't leave the house for fear of what friends he may have over - one friend came once and stole quite a bit out of my bedroom one day while I was at work (watches, rings, etc). I didn't discover it for a few weeks. I now have security cameras in the house and a lock on my bedroom door, and now that I'm retired I am home too.

He "moved" to my ex's house less than a week ago to look for a job there. Well that didn't last - he says there are no jobs there - and now he is coming back for an interview as a dishwasher. Wonderful. I told my ex I don't want him back and she told me "we need to support him and help him out". If he gets the job here, I will have to drive him to it (might start with breakfast dishes at 6am!) and pick him up. I will have no life. I'll be a chauffeur. And the job probably won't last more than a month or so.

Well I feel that I've done my part. I really want to kick him out, but he would have nowhere to go around here, especially at minimum wage. And my ex is telling me not to be selfish and to show him love and support him and if he is living with me I need to help him.

I'm ready to move to a retirement 55+ community, except I like my current house and don't like retirement communities.

Any advice?

 

[Winston10015]

I think I would have a serious sit down conversation and let him know that you love him and want the best for him and that also means growing up and moving on with his life. You want to help him move out, but in a healthy fashion. Decide together how you can make a plan to make that happen. I doubt he can support himself forever on a dishwasher salary, so talk through that as well. Set a time limit on the plan so he realizes that there is a timeframe he has to do this within and this may force him to work through the plan or else. Help him in that time frame to gain the skills he needs to move out on him own. I think I would have him put the plan on paper too, so it isn't forgotten along the way.

 

[Hizzmat]

I think I would have a serious sit down conversation and let him know that you love him and want the best for him and that also means growing up and moving on with his life. You want to help him move out, but in a healthy fashion. Decide together how you can make a plan to make that happen. I doubt he can support himself forever on a dishwasher salary, so talk through that as well. Set a time limit on the plan so he realizes that there is a timeframe he has to do this within and this may force him to work through the plan or else. Help him in that time frame to gain the skills he needs to move out on him own. I think I would have him put the plan on paper too, so it isn't forgotten along the way.

Agree. Communication's first. Serious actions then. And it's better to consult with specialists first