I'm new at punishment and don't know what to do....

[hattyfield]

I have a 17 year old son who has been having issues just recently. For 16 years he has been great, good grades, stays out of trouble, has never drank, smoked, or any of the influences the poor teenagers have had these days. Unfortunately, the other day he took a trip down to NY, from our home town in Boston, to visit a girl he cares for very much. He took my wifes car without notice and we didn't recieve a phone call about an hour after we knew he was gone. When we got the call he was already there, he said he'd come back and admitted being wrong, and that what he did was stupid. He came back at about 1 that morning.
I don't know what to do and how to punish him. I told him he couldn't use the car anymore except for necessities, he won't be able to play Xbox for the next month, and he can't be on the internet past 10, and he can't talk to the girl over the phone anymore. Is that right? Was I being too hard on him? Please.. The past few days he's been very upset he hasn't been able to talk to this girl and I am afraid that he really cares about her, but I want to stick to my decision. Should I back off? Is there another way to go about punishing him... Please help!


-Paul

 

[musicmom]

Let's see.........he stole your car and he got his video games taken away. He made this stupid choice because of this girl so he's no longer aloud to talk to her.......You think you are being hard??? If this is as hard as you are going to get then no I do not think you are being hard on him. He's lucky he's not my child. The "what if's" are enough for me to go balistic.

 

[jtee]

Hattyfield, What are the normal rules for him using the car?

 

[kjcandles]

I think your punishments were good ones. He is under 18 and he still lives at home. He needs to know that as long as he is under your roof there will be consequences for his actions. Do realize that mistakes will be made and perhaps try to talk to him to see why he likes this girl so much and maybe in the future you can agree to make some arrangements for him to see her.

 

[hattyfield]

Hattyfield, What are the normal rules for him using the car?

Well my wife basically let's him take it when she doens't need it and he would like to. He's always been good with it, of course until recently.

 

[hattyfield]

Let's see.........he stole your car and he got his video games taken away. He made this stupid choice because of this girl so he's no longer aloud to talk to her.......You think you are being hard??? If this is as hard as you are going to get then no I do not think you are being hard on him. He's lucky he's not my child. The "what if's" are enough for me to go balistic.

Well it isn't the video game punishment I was worried about, it was more of the fact I took away the right to speak with her. If he really cared for her, I'm just trying to feel what it would be like for me, if my parents took away someone who was that important to me.

 

[evilbrent]

Yeah, that's nuts. Don't stop him from talking to the girl, and don't take away the internet.

Punishment only leads to future need to punish.

Consequences shouldn't be enforced, they should be natural. The "consequence" of 'steal a car therefore you get your computer games taken away' is a non--sequitur, it doesn't make sense, it's not natural. That's like having a consequence of 'you forget to take a DVD back to BlockBuster so Blockbuster makes you do their dishes for a fortnight.' It's not reasonable.

The CONSEQUENCE of his stealing your car is that he's lost some of your trust, and you're going to be MUCH less likely to want to lend it to him next time he asks.

That's a consequence.

He should have asked in the first place, you probably would have said yes (with conditions) and everything would be fine. Now, after the fact, there's no way to go back in time and make him make the right decision. If you start to connect that bad communication decision to daft things like his internet access or his Xbox you're not helping him, you're teaching him that life is sometimes random and that it's level of badness depends on the level of vengefulness his parents feel after his last screwup.

What if, after stealing your car, you simply didn't give him as much free-rein with your possessions? Wouldn't that, then, sink in for him? He'd know that trust is something he has to earn, because relationships are important to him...rather than learning that trust is something he has to earn because his XBox is important to him.

There's no right, inventive, punishment NOW that can make a kid do the right thing NEXT time. It doesn't work like that. If you want to build trust you need to start with trust. If you want to build distrust and manipulate your son, then you should punish him however you see fit.

 

[evilbrent]

Well it isn't the video game punishment I was worried about, it was more of the fact I took away the right to speak with her. If he was in love with her, I'm just trying to feel what it would be like for me, if my parents took away someone who was that important to me.

Yeah.

My mother in law pulled that nonsense with my wife when she was 17 and my wife cracked it and moved out and went and lived with the guy. Bad bad bad.

 

[jtee]

Well my wife basically let's him take it when she doens't need it and he would like to. He's always been good with it, of course until recently.

Did he ask if he could use the car, and you told him in "No" or did he simply take the car and not inform you 1 hour later?

Musicmom considers this a stolen car issue. If you were also to consider that your son stole your car, then like anything else that might be stolen, the police should be involved. Stealing a car is serious. If you don't consider it stolen, and just bad judgement, then evaluate the seriousness and risks that were involved, and his past track record. If he called about 1 hour after taking the car, seems like he wasn't gone very long before you knew what was going on.

 

[evilbrent]

Did he ask if he could use the car, and you told him in "No" or did he simply take the car and not inform you 1 hour later?

Musicmom considers this a stolen car issue. If you were also to consider that your son stole your car, then like anything else that might be stolen, the police should be involved. Stealing a car is serious. If you don't consider it stolen, and just bad judgement, then evaluate the seriousness and risks that were involved, and his past track record. If he called about 1 hour after taking the car, seems like he wasn't gone very long before you knew what was going on.

well put.

I used to borrow my mum's car all the time to visit my girlfriend (now my wife).... what else do you expect when his girlfriend calls up at 8pm and says "My parents are out for the night, get here quickly." ... if you know what I mean?

 

[hattyfield]

Did he ask if he could use the car, and you told him in "No" or did he simply take the car and not inform you 1 hour later?

I think he knew we'd say no, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

 

[evilbrent]

which means that he's already less afraid of being caught out (and punished) later than he is of being told no - so why should he bother asking?

I don't know your son, but isn't a bit of 'action' tonight worth the risk losing your xbox for a month??

I'd do it.

Now, if there were natural consequences "Take the car without asking this time, get told 'no' for SURE the next three times" the equation is different: is getting a bit of 'action' tonight worth missing out on 'action' for the next month?

No way.

 

[musicmom]

which means that he's already less afraid of being caught out (and punished) later than he is of being told no - so why should he bother asking?

I don't know your son, but isn't a bit of 'action' tonight worth the risk losing your xbox for a month??

I'd do it.

Now, if there were natural consequences "Take the car without asking this time, get told 'no' for SURE the next three times" the equation is different: is getting a bit of 'action' tonight worth missing out on 'action' for the next month?

No way.

Stolen
Definition: dishonestly[/URL]

 

[Teresa]

I have to agree with musicmom on this one...taking something that doesn't belong to you, without asking to borrow it, is STEALING. Once I noticed son and car gone, I would have simply called the police and reported it....and then let the consequences fall as they might. At this point, it's too late for that course of action, so I agree with the idea of lost trust, and not getting to use possessions that belong to others. I wouldn't restrict the video games or internet time....I wouldn't prevent him from contact with the girl, either, but I would LIMIT the time allowed for it.

 

[evilbrent]

what? no it's not.

it's just taking something without borrowing it.

you don't call the cops on your own son just because he's too dim-witted to let you know he's taken the car.

sheesh.

 

[musicmom]

It's a car. He could have been in a car accident and no one would have known where he was. If he's doing drugs who knows if drugs could have been in the car and then the parents vehicle is gone. A dumb mistake like that isn't little. Then end turned out ok thankfully on this one but it could have ended really bad.

 

[Teresa]

what? no it's not.

it's just taking something without borrowing it.

you don't call the cops on your own son just because he's too dim-witted to let you know he's taken the car.

sheesh.

Yes you can....and I know parents who have done it...and if one of my children did it, I would be one of those parents as well. Taking something without asking is stealing in THIS family, and that's how they've been taught to think from the time they were little, so they would KNOW they were stealing from us when they did it.

 

[Aunt]

I would hardly call it stealing. But in an arrested development style "lesson" I do remember my dad calling the cops when my brother did this. He had the cops play along and make it seem he had no idea who the "thief" was. of course he was not charged or anything but it gave him a good scare. i would not recommend this if you live somewhere with a hard assed police force that will actually charge the boy.

He did bring the thing back and has not done anything wrong till now. I overall have no issue with most of this penalty although i would let him talk to the girl now and see her when the grounding is up. Forbidden fruit is twice as sweet. There is nothing like hormones and forbidden love to bring out a kid's rebellious side. He has been great till now. You dont want out and out mutiny on your hands

 

[unmanaged]

Ok peoples, I think it's time everybody got a little update. We all make mistakes in our lives. Very big ones sometimes, but punishing someone too hard for it will only make them hate you. People have trouble understanding, that usually, when someone admits they have done something wrong they are already guilty. He called back and reported what he had done. He had the guts, knowing he was going to get in trouble, to tell you the truth, and he has been good before this. Don't waste how good he has been. Let him talk to the girl. Give him a little more slack. I would punish him, but instead of taking things away I would set limits for him, like how much he can play with his xbox. If he has been such a good kid till now, don't pretend like all those other times didn't matter, just try to let him learn from this. Forcing someone to learn a lesson through punishment hardly ever works.