In a shoebox. Is this normal?...

[Steve]

I'm a 50 yr old step dad and just don't know where to turn for help, and today I have a question where I really need feedback. Found this site at the top of a google search.

My wife of about 2 yrs has a boy age 14, girl age 17 and girl age 18.

I don't really get along with them well at all so there's just about no communication. I know -- bigger issues and all of that to deal with. But my question's specific:

Last night I saw the boy carry a mostly empty trash bag out to the trash can. This is unusual: can't ever get him to empty the trash. The bag certainly didn't need emptying. 10:15 at night and he didn't turn lights on. I looked this morning and found a shoebox he used rather than the toilet.

I asked him about this in front of his mom (the only safe way for me to have such a conversation) and he says he needed to do that because I was in the shower.

Mom's defending him and the action. I say that no matter how difficult it was for him, he should have told me he really needed to go, or learn to hold it for a little while.

Yeah, there are all sorts of complications surrounding this that lead to his fear to ask me, but I'm trying to keep this simple: Is it OK for him to have done that and Mom to defend in front of him?

Thanks for any feedback. I really need some people to bounce things through -- my homelife and that of the kids is just a whole lot less than it could be.

Oh - I just found the age group forums lower down. I'll copy this to that forum and apologize for the double posting. I don't see a way to delete this.


- Steve

 

[musicmom]

OK I am being totally honest. Not only me but a few of my friends have had to go "to the restroom" on an occasion where there was nothing available. So we had to make due with whatever we had.
I do not think what that child did was wrong. I'm sure he felt embarrassed as it was and you need to let it go. Just let him know if you have to go that bad just let me know and I'll rush out.
I doubt he'll make a habit out of it.
If you've never been in that situtation then God Bless you cause it happens!

 

[Steve]

Thanks. I don't mean to make a big issue of it and was headed out the door to get the paper after I got his answer. He did it in a bag a couple weekends ago when I was re-flooring the bathroom, and didn't ask then either. My mason jars are also slowly disappearing as he uses them at night to pee.

I agree - he should be embarassed but I dunno if he is. And them mom's saying that this is defensible -- that's as big a problem as any for me.

God it's nice to get someone to "talk" to. Ya'll might find me a very active questioner.

 

[musicmom]

It's none of my business but why is he so scared of you that he can't ask to use the bathroom? Is he not allowed to go to the bathroom at night?
Has he been to a Dr to see if maybe he has a urinary tract infection or a virus? (chrones) or something?

 

[Steve]

Long & complicated. He was raised 'til age 12 by his cretin of a Dad. I picked him out of the bushes by the roadside hiding from his Dad. Boy has no respect for authority including mine and seldom Mom's. He's 140 lbs, is failing freshman HS, and thinks so little of others / much of himself that he's even punched me. I'm 6'4" 280 lb former power lifter.

I won't yield on the authority issue and he's resentful. The greatest peace is when we don't communicate, so we don't. He gets nothing from me. Denied family vacation last year to Branson, and this year he's not going to Disney World - probably the only chance he'll ever have.

I'm not a great parent by any means. And mom's saying that the whole shoebox incident is a result of this wider problem. In great part she's right but you can't address everything all at once; that's why I needed to ask about something very specific and tried to keep my question narrow.

Thanks. Just discussing this makes me relax a bit.

- Steve

 

[FooserX]

Steve,

I am a Stepdad of a 4 year old, and the very first conversation we had before getting married was regarding a unified front. That's just what parents need to do...and if one parent isn't going to be part of the team, then it's really pointless to even be there to raise kids in my opinion.

So I totally agree with you...your wife should not be questioning you, or defending him in front of you. If anything - go into a separate room and talk about things, no?

It sounds like they have little respect for you anyway, since you said there is no communication...so this isn't new, right? They are too old to make any changes, so really it boils down to you will just have to get over things like this and hope the next 4 years fly by fast and they can move out of the house.

Good luck!

 

[Steve]

Yeah, that's kinda the attitude. When I married Jan, only her (now 17 yr old) daughter lived with us.

Since then, we rescued the boy. And her other daughter, now 18, also moved in (there must be something good about this home!) and is now pregnant, unmarried, sans diploma or GED or job, and dumb as rocks. And now a really weird girlfriend of hers (22 yrs old, no job, etc.) also seems to have moved in. I didn't add another bed or anything - she's just "here." And with everyone's approval but mine.

The "wait it out" scenario gets longer and longer and weirder. I love my wife but I can't pit her against the kids. So there she is defending S**t in a Box.

 

[meow_173]

Its really not a huge issue, but obviously the underlying issue is that clearly he felt that he couldn't knock on the door to ask you. So, its more of the being able to communicate with them, And i can understand how it can be difficult, 18years old, 17 and 14 are difficult ages to deal with when you are parents, however it must be even more frustrating when you are the "step" parents.
My advice is as simple as it is difficult. As you stated there is no communication between you and your step kids, and seeing their age, they won't come to you. For the first while its going to be a 90%-10% effort with you being the 90%. You need to figure out their interests, hobbies, activites and go with it. Also, you need to understand that in their minds, you aren't their dad, however, before establishing a fatherly figure, you need to become their friend.
Hope this helps...

 

[musicmom]

Ok now that's funny Steve. (S*** in a box)

 

[Steve]

Yeah, you're right. I bought him a bike that he ruined and isn't interested in taking to the bike shop for fixing. We gave him a skateboard - still in the cellar. I offered plastic models, model rockets, scouting, baseball, basketball, track, and on and on. Loves his IPod but not interested in learning to play anything.

Told him last year he could help me build my new barn. "I ain't building no f***ing barn" was the instant reply. Doesn't want to help cut or split wood, shovel snow, even play with the cats & dogs.

He has no idea what he's missing out on. And he's so lousy at chores I've even given up trying to teach him. He just gets angry and abusive because he won't be responsible about anything. Getting the kitchen trash emptied is a 10-step, hour-long project. I figure by his age he's either gonna do it or not, so I decide "not."

Stuck stuck stuck.

 

[Steve]

Ya think so? Well, maybe I can use the phrase to lighten the atmosphere around here. In the last 2 weeks he's given us S**t in a Bag and S**t in a box. At least the packaging is improving, huh?

 

[musicmom]

Once you "label" a child as bad or hopless or anything like that it is IMPOSSIBLE for the child to just turn around and change. Sounds like he needs a chance. If you were to send him somewhere healthy maybe...........he can come back and be someone new.
He is doing exactly what you expect. I wouldn't build no fkn barn either! lol

 

[musicmom]

lol, too bad you couldn't buy a potty chair and give it to him. I am totally kidding that would so make matters worse.

 

[meow_173]

Yea, but its his attitude. There are a million other ways he could have told his step dad that he didn't want to help, but he chose to be aggressive. Are the girls like this as well?

 

[FooserX]

Yeah, that's kinda the attitude. When I married Jan, only her (now 17 yr old) daughter lived with us.

Since then, we rescued the boy. And her other daughter, now 18, also moved in (there must be something good about this home!) and is now pregnant, unmarried, sans diploma or GED or job, and dumb as rocks. And now a really weird girlfriend of hers (22 yrs old, no job, etc.) also seems to have moved in. I didn't add another bed or anything - she's just "here." And with everyone's approval but mine.

The "wait it out" scenario gets longer and longer and weirder. I love my wife but I can't pit her against the kids. So there she is defending S**t in a Box.

lol...the fact she's letting all these people move back in says that she is not a strong parent. She's only encouraging them to be this way.

Like I said before - nothing is going to change. I'm sure you've talked to her about it, and obviously she's not going to change...so not much you can do.

There's no magic advice for situations like this is the parties involved don't want to change

 

[Amber]

Yeah, you're right. I bought him a bike that he ruined and isn't interested in taking to the bike shop for fixing. We gave him a skateboard - still in the cellar. I offered plastic models, model rockets, scouting, baseball, basketball, track, and on and on. Loves his IPod but not interested in learning to play anything.

Told him last year he could help me build my new barn. "I ain't building no f***ing barn" was the instant reply. Doesn't want to help cut or split wood, shovel snow, even play with the cats & dogs.
.

What kind of stuff does HE want to do? You need to find out something he'd enjoy doing and do it with him, not stuff you want him to do. Perhaps when you've found that thing, the chance of opening up the lines of communication will increase a bit.

Don't hold your breath expecting an overnight change because you'll suffocate to death. It's going to take some time. And, it's a strong possibility that it might not happen in the next year.

 

[musicmom]

A strong willed child isn't like any other child. We don't know the situation in their home so the kid might have thought he could talk that way. He didn't learn it from PBS

 

[meow_173]

NO, he's most likely a) frustrated that there is someone other than his dad trying to BE his dad b) the youngest, so he's either always been this way, and never had to do anything c) The age that he is at, alot of boys become this way.

 

[Amber]

I won't yield on the authority issue and he's resentful. The greatest peace is when we don't communicate, so we don't. He gets nothing from me. Denied family vacation last year to Branson, and this year he's not going to Disney World - probably the only chance he'll ever have.

I think this was a bad choice. Don't you think that by excluding him on family vacation, you perhaps could have increased his feelings of not being part of the family? Grounding him from the Playstation or from going to his friends is one thing...family vacation is another. Just my opinion, though.

 

[musicmom]

NO, he's most likely a) frustrated that there is someone other than his dad trying to BE his dad b) the youngest, so he's either always been this way, and never had to do anything c) The age that he is at, alot of boys become this way.

You get respect when you give respect. It sounds like there is lack of respect on both ends. Its' not just boys. I was this way with my mother (didn't poo in boxes though) but I just didn't want anyone who was authoritary near me. The harder anyone tried the further I got.
I loved my friends, that's what made ME happy.
Does your son have friends?