In a shoebox. Is this normal?...

[Steve]

Ooooh, a potty chair! Excellent suggestion! I may make it too if this gets too heated again today.

Jan's glad to have the children move in. She was a single parent with 2 deadbeat dads (side note: there are a lot of irresponsible men in this world). She's quite glad, as a mom, that all her kids choose to live with her now. Given the other relatives, she is the best choice.

Strong mom in some ways but not in all. But none of us has "it all".

 

[Steve]

OK, if'n ya'll are going to be such nice people, I'll suggest we stay here, not General.

 

[musicmom]

We're nice???????? That's a first. Woo hoo *hands out cookies*

 

[meow_173]

Oh i totally agree that on needs to earn respect before he gets it. But i think he needs to find out why he isn't getting it. The kid is lashing out for some reason

 

[musicmom]

Because the dad doesn't respect him! Not the other way around. Oddly enough, the child has to think he has it first.

 

[meow_173]

Just because there is no communication doesn't mean "Steve" Isn't giving him respect. He's tried to reach out to him (as seen in other posts) but nothing is helping. So he has tried, but with no appeal from the step son.

 

[meow_173]

Long & complicated. He was raised 'til age 12 by his cretin of a Dad. I picked him out of the bushes by the roadside hiding from his Dad. Boy has no respect for authority including mine and seldom Mom's. He's 140 lbs, is failing freshman HS, and thinks so little of others / much of himself that he's even punched me. I'm 6'4" 280 lb former power lifter.

I won't yield on the authority issue and he's resentful. The greatest peace is when we don't communicate, so we don't. He gets nothing from me. Denied family vacation last year to Branson, and this year he's not going to Disney World - probably the only chance he'll ever have.

I'm not a great parent by any means. And mom's saying that the whole shoebox incident is a result of this wider problem. In great part she's right but you can't address everything all at once; that's why I needed to ask about something very specific and tried to keep my question narrow.

Thanks. Just discussing this makes me relax a bit.

- Steve

Have you thought about a counseller?

 

[Steve]

Amber - I agree. Find him stuff he wants to do, not me.

Given any three-day weekend from school, he'll do nothing but sit on the couch and watch Maury, Springer, hip-hop shows (he's 100% white boy) and, if allowed, play forever on MySpace. Mom will even tell him to "go play" and he's stumped for anything to do. He never says "Ooh, I'd like to do XYZ".

Yeah, label a child lazy and a loser and they'll meet the expectations. I know that.

Probably sounds normal, but combined with complete anger, disrespect, foul language, abusive behavior it's not normal - it's a problem.

 

[FooserX]

Your wife does seem nice, but letting deadbeats move in, and not backing up her husband...eh...doesn't seem like good parenting to me.

 

[musicmom]

Do you know Steve? No one knows what exactly goes on in their home. A child doesn't lash out for NO reason.
If I was this kid and some weight lifting step dad guy starting giving me crap I would probably be defensive too.
It depends on how Steve is asking. This kid may not want someone to come in. He probaby doesn't trust anyone and especially some big arse guy that walks in and plays daddy.
It's neither of their faults just happens. But that's my opinion

 

[musicmom]

Can you afford him to be enrolled somewhere like Karate or something of his own where he can have his own accomplishments? If he doesn't want to it then drive him there. He needs some sort of goal. He has to like something.

 

[Steve]

Ahh, back to my original point! Yeah, she should have backed me up. She's been vocal before about finding pee in bottles & jars. This isn't OK either, whether it's because I was in the shower or not, and whether he took it to the trash or not.

If they're afraid to knock on the door and tell them they "really need to go" then she shouldn't be defending their alternative action. Instead, tell them to try it, and if I refuse then there's a problem with me. Until then, she needs to help them learn the socially-acceptable way of doing things.

 

[FooserX]

This is where the parent needs to play an active role in the kids life. Do things with him, create a relationship maybe?

It would be a lot easier if you were his actual parent

Still...can't you try to be friends with him instead of clashing? Not just be amicable...but actually try to hang out with him and have fun, ya know? Take him to a ball game?

 

[FooserX]

I still don't get it - why does he refuse to use the toilet?

 

[meow_173]

This kid may not want someone to come in. He probaby doesn't trust anyone and especially some big arse guy that walks in and plays daddy.
It's neither of their faults just happens. But that's my opinion

Thats exactly what i said like 10 posts ago! lol.

 

[musicmom]

Oh sorry, I must have missed it. This is on two threads. Can't catch up.

 

[Steve]

He hangs around with a girl who's quite good at karate. He even visited a couple of her classes just to watch/be there. But never expressed an interest in that either. Mom and I have suggestions galore, but nobody's landed on an interest yet. I strongly agree. He has a ton of anxious energy that needs to be burned off. Instead he comes home from school and annoys everyone with his over-hyper self.

I say he needs counselling. We can't afford it but I have gotten him some attention from the school counselor.

 

[Steve]

He's not interested in going to a ball game or doing anything with me. He'll go to the mall with Mom for shopping but that's all. I'd latch onto something if there was something to latch to.

His sisters are in about the same boat. The 17 yr old just wants to hang at the mall. The 18 yr old (pregnant) is and has been content to sleep the day away. And I've taken them places to introduce them to possibilities. But no sparks anywhere.

 

[musicmom]

Yea he didn't sound like the type of kid who would do ball games. Ok the karate thing sounds great. Is there a way you can not make him feel guilty or act like you are pushing him towards it and say "I bet you'd be really good at it and could kick some butt" and once he's in he will love it and learn that kicking butts are not part of it at all and they teach self control. With all those people in the house he's falling through the cracks. You are very smart to be thinking of him right now even though it's focused on his poo. He wants attention and doesn't even know it. There is a way to him. He is hurt inside but pointing that out will make him more mad. Be careful with him.
I was like him in a way, without all your other stuff but I held alot inside and no one bothered to find the good in me just pointed out the bad. Maybe he's like that??? Just trying to help. I really don't know. Teen years are just hard.

 

[Steve]

Yeah, the boy is mad, especially at his real father. And even the police that we called explained to him that he can't take out that anger on everyone around him.

I've tried respect, but he's such an a*****le that it's hard to keep being the adult and treating him as if he's OK. Sometimes I just have to let him know that his continued disrespect and abuse (not just of me - but of everyone around) is just not acceptable. He reminds him that I'm not his dad, but this is only the beginning of any notice that he's not receptive.

As for vacation: Mom and I held out the vacations as carrots. If he can't behave well enough, he goes back to his dad's for the time. This is acknowledged and treated as punishment. Yeah, I know, this is all a twisted mess for the child. We figured Disney World would be a gourmet carrot. Nada. So rather than all of us suffer his abuse, anxieties, constant running foul mouth etc. with a great big dollop of him not getting along with me, the greatest peace is achieved with him not on our vacation.