I am a soon to be step dad. My fiance's boys are 10 and 12 and we have them every other week. She waits on them hand and foot. I have started to tell them to stop treating her like a waitress and get their own snacks and other requests. But there are still some bigger issues. She showers them, takes care of their potty wiping, and the 10 year old will not go to sleep without her staying with him in the bedroom. When they are at their dad's, he does not do any of this. They get their own showers, bathroom, bed independently. I know my fiance is being a good mom and only wants to ensure they are clean and content, but I am worried about how they view women and how they will respect women in the future. I have tried many times to tell them to start doing these things themselves since they do them at their dad's but my voice really goes unnoticed and it continues. All I want is for them to start doing these personal hygiene things themselves so they learn.
Independence advice...
- Thread starter joe
- Start date
Wait, she showers and wipes the bottoms of her pre-teens? 10 and 12? Are they special needs? That's really not okay, if not. It's not just an issue of independence, it's simply inappropriate at this age. My 6 year old has been wiping his own bottom for a good 2 years, and although he still needs some help in the tub I can see him getting the hang of it himself in not too long here. I could NOT imagine wiping the bottom of a 12 year old. I mean, he'll be going through puberty soon if he hasn't started already. Really, really not okay if you are serious about all of this. The showering and wiping NEED to stop and not just because they need to do it themselves, but because that's weird for her to do. There is nothing about doing those things that makes her a good mother.
Do they have physical limitations that prevent them from safely bathing or effectively handling their own hygiene? It's possible that these things are neglected at dad's. Just because he doesn't assist them to this level doesn't mean they are fully capable. Or maybe such personal information isn't shared honestly, and their dad does indeed assist them similarly.
I don't think you should be having these conversations with the boys half as much as your fiancé.
Those and brushing teeth. For example, getting ready in the morning. Al three are in the bathroom together and it's free rein to do anything, go pee or the other, shower, etc. Or if it's not all three, their mom is in there with the other. She's in there when the take a bath (gets towel ready, or helps them out). I just can't take it
Well past the bathroom thing since I have no concern about brushing teeth together. Now bedtime. The 10 year old will not go to bed alone. If she doesn't lay in bed while he falls asleep, he throws a fit. I have told her she needs to allow him to learn to fall asleep alone by it continues. He will also wake up in the middle of the night and yell "mom" at the top of his lungs until she comes and lays with him. I usually can't fall back to sleep after the wake up call. I am looking for advice to stop this. Thank you for the comments and help
It sure sounds like a developmental delay. Those are typical struggles with a toddler, but it's not normal for a ten-year-old.
It sounds like you think the problems can be corrected if she just stops accommodating them. But I don't know. Kids that age shouldn't even want that level of care. It sounds like there are problems that probably won't vanish just because she stops accompanying them to the bathroom. You should be considering whether this is a household you want to be a part of in the long run. Having children with special needs is a challenge.
It sounds like you think the problems can be corrected if she just stops accommodating them. But I don't know. Kids that age shouldn't even want that level of care. It sounds like there are problems that probably won't vanish just because she stops accompanying them to the bathroom. You should be considering whether this is a household you want to be a part of in the long run. Having children with special needs is a challenge.
A mild case of ADHD doesn't classify as special needs in my mind. He does well in school and spends half the time at his dads where his dad doesn't put up with it. I'll just let it slide since I have exhausted all avenues. I have been here for 4 years so I thought it would just work itself out. I assume he will reach a point of puberty where he realizes it's wrong and potentially embarrassing, or will keep trying to assume