Independence Thwarted...

[akmom]

I guess I'm not the right person to be posting this, because I'm the older sister, not the parent. But my 25-year-old baby brother just got his life together a year ago, in terms of getting a job, his own apartment, and his own vehicle. Before this, he lived in my parents' basement, working occasionally and briefly, and always quitting each job within a few weeks because he was easily overwhelmed. I can't say he was happy, but I think he stayed because it was just easier. My parents never denied him anything. They'd complain to me and my sister, but in the end, always ended up indulging him.

Well he has been thriving on his own, even though my mom still does his laundry for him and my dad still pays for his gas. Then along comes this obnoxious woman (a friend of my mom's) with a pathological need to take care of people, and convinces him that he is lonely and that they'll take him in rent-free, and he won't have to live by himself any more, etc. She has strays of all ages living with her, and boy does she like to gloat about her workload. My brother gave up his apartment and moved in with her and her large household, despite everyone insisting against it. Sure enough, a month later she starts complaining to my parents about what a burden he is, and how she needs financial help to "put him up" (not that it's their responsibility, but she knows how to make them feel guilty). There were a handful of other alarming issues, but it's water under the bridge now, because she finally kicked him out. Guess the scheme didn't pay like she figured it would.

Now he doesn't have his apartment, so my parents had to take him back in so he wouldn't be homeless. Now I see the old dynamics formulating again, and he's struggling to find an apartment anywhere near his old rental rates, which of course doesn't inspire him to move out any time soon.

I'm really ticked that no matter what a family does in terms of putting their foot down and helping their children achieve independence, there will always be some enabler out there, with ulterior motives, who will sneak in and wreck it all.

 

[Wickett]

If I may be blunt for a moment, though I do sympathize with you, unless there's a condition that prevents your baby brother from functioning normally, there is no one that should have the power to do this to him. He's a grown man, and at 25, should have the drive and determination to make something of himself. The woman is certainly devious and up to no good, but he should have respectfully told her to go take a hike when she originally gave him the offer. Simply put, he is responsible for what happens to him. Even still, I understand your frustrations, and hopefully after knowing the taste of being out on his own it'll push him to get back out again.

 

[cybele]

I have to be honest, if at 25 someone made me the offer for me to move out of my own house where I could do whatever I wanted and move into theirs, I would have laughed at them. But by 25 I also had two kids so I don't think anyone would have been willing to make me that offer.

But yeah, that's really weird that he even chose to go with this woman, after having his own apartment, own freedom and such.

 

[akmom]

Yeah, I never understood it either. My sister and I were both anxious to move out. We have a great relationship with our parents, but value independence highly too. My brother just never did. I gave up trying to understand why!

I guess I have ulterior motives in caring also. My parents are now on a fixed income, which I do not see changing, and my brother has always had a way of manipulating them into spending a lot of money on him. They've racked up debt on needless purchases for him before (though they could handle it financially back then). Now I'm not sure they could. Maybe that also means they won't give in to him the same way, but I have my concerns, because it seems like old dynamics are hard to kick. My brother will be very selfish and demanding, and the moment they start to retreat, he'll give an inch. Do some kind of favor, or show a kindness... just enough to warm their hearts and then demand slightly less than before. It always works.

I don't need him running my parents into the poorhouse, so to speak.

 

[Anna61]

Poor you!!!! It is so frustrating to see your parents hold a grown man above water and then complaining to you that he never learns to swim on his own. Please do not get trapped in your parents' web. This is their responsibility and a lot of your brother's behavior continues because they fuel this behavior (unless he is suffering from psychological issues that would make it too difficult for him to function away from home that is). Please move on with your life. Be proud of your accomplishments and if your parents complain gently explain to them that their behavior fueled the problem. I myself consider it to be a form of abuse not to let your children form their own lives. By rescuing a grown child you are telling him that you have very little faith in his ability to make it on his own. This is a cruel message to send a son and it is not loving but selfish.

 

[Wickett]

By rescuing a grown child you are telling him that you have very little faith in his ability to make it on his own. This is a cruel message to send a son and it is not loving but selfish.

This is a good point. He needs to learn to fish instead of being handed a fish when he needs it.

 

[akmom]

They did get to that point at various times. There is always some legitimate catastrophe that brings things back, or some enabler that meddles in the process.

Last time it was a real medical condition that prompted surgery, which prompted pain killers, which prompted dependence, which meant my parents wanted him home instead of around people who "shared" their prescriptions - which apparently is quite abundant. Once he was weaned off that fiasco, they did push him toward independence again.

These dynamics were even happening in high school and prior. My parents would set boundaries, and he'd circumvent them. He'd tell sob stories to his friends' parents, who would give him rides, lend money, or whatever else our parents grounded him from. Then many of them would demand reimbursement from my parents. The world must be chock full of enablers who want their chance to be heroic and then of course pass on the cost after they get their moment. Makes me mad. People have been downright cruel when approached by my parents about not sharing their narcotics with him, not enabling him in various ways... wish I could slap them all.