Is not letting my daughter have a facebook account at 14 unreasonable...

[akmom]

I don't know, Mom2all. Privacy gets tricky when it comes to comments. And picture tagging. For example:

Lucy (14) posts a picture of a grouchy cat. Her friend Suzy (14) comments on it, "LOL that reminds me of my cat Fluffball." Lucy's mom (37) also comments on it: "What a cute kitty!" Lucy's and Suzy's moms are Facebook friends, so Suzy's mom sees that Lucy's mom commented on a post: "What a cute kitty!" So she clicks on it to see for herself, and under the grouchy cat picture she sees all the comments everyone has made on it. Including her daughter's. Even if Suzy is using the fake name "SZ girl" or whatever, the content of the post (she has a cat named Fluffball) and the fact she is a real-life friend of Lucy is enough for Suzy's mom to realize it's her.

Basically any one can see what another person has commented on. So unless you can control all your friends' settings and behavior, you're likely to show up their feed somewhere.

The same is true with photos. If anyone is tagged, that person and all their friends (even ones you've blocked) will see the photo. And they'll see you linked to a Facebook account if you're tagged in it.

 

[cybele]

Unless Suzy blocked her Mum, then all her Mum will see is Lucy having half a conversation with herself, which looks so funny. I've blocked my mother and we have a few mutual friends and occasionally when I have commented a few times on something a mutual friend has said, my mother comments with "Why are you talking to yourself *mutual friend*? No one said anything about *something I said*"

...and then I get a little kick out of it because everyone else can see me, so they must think she is off her rocker.

 

[Xero]

Akmom that's not really true, if you have someone blocked, they will literally never see anything you post or are tagged in (well, if they are friends with the uploader they will see the pic but not the fact that you were tagged or ANY comments you make on it etc). To them it is as though you do not exist. There are no exceptions. If I have a status set to friends only, only my friends can see it and the comments on it, unless I tag someone in it or I have the setting on "friends of friends", or obviously "public", in which case the friends of the people who comment on it can also see my status and comments. If I have it set to friends only though, that is where it stops, no one but my friends can see it no matter who comments on it. I think just a lot of people don't know how to actually work the security settings or something, so that's a common misconception.

 

[Mom2all]

. I think just a lot of people don't know how to actually work the security settings or something, so that's a common misconception.

Teenagers do! I learned from mine.

 

[akmom]

I've never actually blocked anyone, so that's interesting that comments would appear to be missing. In comments that develop into conversations, people often start with @Suzy or quote the previous comment, or otherwise give it away!

All my pictures are set to friends-only but I have a lot of strangers comment on them (friends of friends). I often delete the strangers' comments, but I don't bother to block them. They are often numerous.

 

[Xero]

That's very odd about the pictures akmom, have you tagged anyone in the pictures? That would make them viewable and able to be commented on by others not on your friends list. You might want to check each picture individually, sometimes the settings can get messed up by accident. I have made a couple things public by accident without even knowing, and also a few things I made visible to "only me" on accident too LOL, what is the point in that? I was like, why is no one commenting on/liking this? haha I think it's because facebook keeps making changes like crazy, and it messes up my stuff all the time. Anyway, I don't ever have that problem... people I am not friends with, commenting on or liking my friends only pics/statuses. Actually, I was angry at first about a certain family member "sharing" nearly all of my pictures of my children, until I realized none of her friends ever liked them or commented on them, because they couldn't see them because they weren't on my friends list. HA! xD Now the pictures she steals and uploads on her page seperately, are a different story.

 

[akmom]

I didn't tag the pictures in question, but friends tagged themselves in those pictures and then their friends (not acquaintances of mine at all) could view, tag and comment on my picture. Also, a person who was in one of my pictures (whom I had not friended on Facebook at the time, but who was a friend-of-a-friend) was able to tag herself in my picture. Maybe it was because our mutual friend tagged herself first?

This all started happening after the most recent changes, but I did go back and make sure all my pictures, other than my profile picture, were set to "friends only."

I don't want to scare away anybody from using Facebook. I'm not that tech-savvy and possibly erred in my settings. But I think you should be careful what you post, even with good privacy settings. I don't think you can catch everything!

 

[cybele]

Strangers can't tag your photos, however if your friends who you allow to see your photos wish to tag their friends who you don't know in your photos, they can do that.

You can change your settings to only allow yourself to tag your own photos.

 

[Xero]

Ah, yes the tagging that would have done it. You can remove tags as well as change your settings like Cybele said. As soon as someone is tagged in a photo (whether you do it or the person does it), it becomes one of their pictures as well and automatically visible to all of their friends. Then their friends can comment on it and even tag themselves in it, and then it branches out even further and becomes a vicious cycle lol.

 

[teachingyourkid]

the more you want to control, the more they will want something...my 2 cents worth

 

[singledad]

This - lack of control and obfuscated security settings - is one of the main reasons why I'm not on facebook... it seems like you can never close it down comletely, as long as you have friends...

 

[pancras]

I think it is unreasonable to not allow a 14 year old to use Facebook.

Online predators probably get more attention than they deserve. If you child is abused, it's most likely a family member, someone you are paying watch your kid, or a group or community leader that you trust.

Also, from my reading, the influence of delinquent peers are the most common cause of really bad outcomes for teens.

This is a case of the common phenomena of the media distorting our risk perception. The strange new rare risks get all the attention and the the risks that are coming to roost every day or every hour somewhere are ignored because commonplace everyday events are not news.