Is Spanking Okay?...

[akmom]

I was spanked as a child, and I've spanked my own kids too. But in retrospect, I believe that it was always a failure on the parent's part that made it get to that point. So I don't use that method any more. It's less about resolving not to spank, and more about committing to setting the expectations and boundaries in advance, and preparing the child, so they don't ever have to be trained by physical force. And I do believe that it can be done.

I guess it's less about "no spanking" and more about using better methods. No one is doing their child a favor by simply removing one tool from the discipline arsenal. Ultimately whatever discipline you use still has to be effective.

And yes, I did read that article a few years back that showed some behavioral advantages to spanking in 2-5 year olds. I just don't think it was consistent with other research, or that it took everything into account.

 

[akmom]

The problem I had with Parentastic's (and others') laissez-faire approach is that it is aimless. You can't *always* wait until a child is ready. If your standards aren't the motivation, then something else will be. Or maybe nothing else will be! Or maybe that motivation will come too late and the child will miss out on so many things in the mean time. So who are we kidding by pretending that all children can be self-driven in everything? I can sure think of a lot of things in life that I did because I was either pushed to do it, or I had some ulterior motive for doing it, and yet it served me well.

And that is kind of the stickler when it comes to intrinsic motivation versus "praise" (or coercion of any sort). Yes, intrinsic motivation is better, but at the same time, I think it may need to be prompted at first. Especially in young children. Of course you should be internally motivated, but at the same time, it is kind of important to respond to the concerns and expectations of others in a community. So I think there is kind of a balance. The article I read drew the line somewhere around 5 years old. Praise before this age was considered developmentally positive, but then it slowly became a motivational "crutch."

 

[Anna61]

When I see a parent spank a child I don't think: "Oh good, the child will learn his lesson and he probably deserves it". Instead I wish the parent could have found a more effective way to teach a child right from wrong. I know that all kids are different. A teacher has 30 different kids in a classroom all day long and a daycare provider care for lots of kids-- and they manage to do it without using physical force.

Will kids suffer from being spanked on occasion? Probably not. This does not mean that it is the best way to teach a child self regulatory skills. A hundred years ago we raised children on mostly grains and milk products. Today we know the importance of vitamins and a balanced diet and our children are taller, healthier, happier and live longer. Today we do not hit our employees, our spouses or our dogs (if we are educated dog owners) and somehow society is moving forward and is better for it.

Is it possible to raise a generation without using physical force (spanking, after all is meant to cause some degree of physical pain or what would be the point of using this method?}. To answer no to that would be to shortchange yourself as a parent. I know it can be done. But do I worry about the child who once or twice in a life time gets spanked by a parent? No. I do worry about the child who is raised by a parent who feels the need to use spanking on a regular basis.

Sure, spanking is effective for a parent, but is it the most effective way for teaching a child? I know it isn't. It does take a lot of self control and knowledge to find different solutions however. The more in tune you are with each of your children, the easier it is to find a better solution than spanking for that child. It is true that each child respond differently, but whether you come from a large or a small family, you still have the right to be cared for by a parent who tries his or her best to use intelligent parenting techniques that will not only stop a certain behavior but will teach a child how to problem solve and how to self regulate in the future.

I hope that we as parents grow in knowledge with each child and each generation. I hope that I am a better parent and a better child care provider today than when I started caring for children (40 years ago). My kids are now grown. I have shown them how to deal with people who make mistakes, disappoint and misbehaves (whether these people were total strangers or my children). I am happy to say that I managed to do this without using physical force. I am proud of this fact because it took some work on my part to always stay a step ahead of those kids that I cared for. My goal was to always expect more from myself than what I expected from my kids. Spanking was therefore not a solution for me.

 

[akmom]

I agree, Anna61. There are so many settings where corporal punishment isn't even allowed (public schools, foster care). Are there children who simply can't thrive in these settings? Because they only respond to spanking? I doubt that. True, I've only raised 3 children - and not to completion yet - but I still doubt spanking is the best, let alone only way for any kid to learn.

Some parents think beating kids is the only way to evoke change. That doesn't mean they're right, because of all their experiences dealing with those kids. It just means that's what they did and from their perspective it worked. It says nothing about what else may have worked, or how effectively they carried out any other methods, or what other factors may have undermined their efforts.

 

[Lenn]

Not ok.

 

[Montedic]

It depends on whom you ask. Some are in favour of spanking, others are not.

Spanking is against the law in some states.

http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp

 

[Montedic]

Reasonable spanking is against no US state law!

 

[Montedic]

Less genuine kids? What do you mean by that?

It's never been a secret on this site or the 1,000 plus debates that I have used spanking on occasion. I am far from uneducated, and probably have some of the most genuine and honest kids around.

When it comes to this topic people seem to think that if one spanks, they are a monster, and when one uses another method they have raised spoiled and entitled brats, and let's face it the kids of today are not helping with that picture.

As a mom of 8 kids, each with very different personalities, I can tell you that punishments and consequences were often different because no two children (well maybe two) can be parented the same. Just because one household was able to find a way that didn't involve any form of spanking, doesn't mean that it is the right course of action for another.

Anyone remember that one guy...parent something, he had a degree and was working towards his PhD? Anyhoo, he was very much against spanking, but did admit that the research showed that spanking when done in moderation (can't remember what the number was exactly since it's been a while) had no harmful effect that could be remotely related to their occasional spanking. I wished I still had my old computer it had all of the info on it.

Look, I am not saying parents who spank on a daily bases are right in their approach. I do believe that other methods should be done first, and any object used takes it from spanking to abuse, but the whole "spankers are uneducated", get's old. Lot's of very educated people still spank, and lots of uneducated people have never spanked.

Using an object to spank is abuse? Total nonsense!

 

[Montedic]

Using an object to spank is abuse? Total nonsense!

 

[StephenAlcor]

Violence didn't work for me although it most likely pleased my parents.  When kids are "aggressive" it's the result of aggressive or negligent parenting or influential role models who have failed to show kids how to be polite, kind, friendly, reasonable, etc.  My brother and I were taught to be: mean, brutal, bad, angry, defensive and generally abusive to each other while our very ignorant parents smiled and laughed at our toddler silliness.  This eventually lead to some very serious and dangerous fights as we got bigger. 

 

[Montedic]

Child abuse is against the law in every state. Reasonable spanking is against the law in NONE!  Strict Gram

 

[HOTH2O]

I see a lot of kids that need a good spanking. If more parents spanked there’d be more respectful kids in this world.

 

[Thomastub]

Well i think it isnt right at all to spank your child. I feel there are other ways to correct a child than spank. I saw this video and i think i have to share it here ..checkout what a little boy did to his father after he spanked him https://clk.ink/jmLQYjd