Is this right or wrong? Going out often vs. staying home more...

artmom

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Feb 26, 2015
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My mom told me that when I was growing up, one of the reasons she would go out for an evening, at least once a week or more, was to teach me that parents have lives outside of raising kids.

Now, that was HER perception. I'm on the other side of the fence, and I do remember those days of her going out without me, and it felt like it was often. I wouldn't want my mom to leave or I would beg to come along with her. When I was a bit older, I was with fun babysitters and didn't mind it so much.
When I got old enough, she would leave with some loser for a whole weekend. I hated that. It's good that she trusted me enough to stay home, but she had a dog and I'm no good at taking care of dogs. Cats are a breeze, but dogs need to be let out right when they need to go out, no matter how early it is. And then they need to be let in otherwise they bark. Just about every morning the dog would do her business in the house when I was left alone. It's not like I wanted a dog. That was my mom's idea and she should have taken it with her. The loser she was with owned a farm, for pete's sake.

Anyways, my mom was explaining that it was important for me to see her going out. He philosophy is that it shows parents have a life outside parenthood. Thanks. To me, I feel it shows I was an inconvenience and I feel she wasn't eager to spend time with me. I'm not saying I expected my mom to be a home body. But I would have liked to be in on the action. Or have her not go out so frequently.

As a parent, myself, I do go out. I enjoy karaoke. But I feel guilty if I go out every week or every 2 weeks. I can tell that my daughter feels the same loneliness I had when my mom would go out every week. So, I cut it down. I took about 2 or 3 months of a hiatus with going out and concentrated on spending time with my daughter. And I do anticipate spending as much time as possible with her. I found out the place I go to will allow minors to participate in karaoke as long as a legal guardian is with them in the lounge area, and I've been starting to take my daughter with me whenever she has school off the next day.
It puts her mind at ease because she often wondered how I was doing and what the place was like. It's only a restaurant.

The questions to you all are:

Does my mom have a point? Or am I right and that parents are better to limit their excursions and put more time being a parent and enjoying their kids?
 

babybibsplus

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Jan 25, 2016
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On the nights that you go out, let your daughter go out with friends and do something herself. It's ok for you to have a social life, and it sounds like you are a great parent. You don't go out that often and she is old enough to understand that you can't be home with her all the time. As she gets older she will want to be with friends more.
 

TabascoNatalie

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Jun 1, 2009
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I don't feel guilty. Some places you can take children along easily, others you can't. Can take them to restaurants, but can't take them clubbing.
I feel more guilty if i can take one child for a certain activity but not others. (Because of logistics, money, etc.)
 

cybele

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Feb 27, 2012
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Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I would hate my kids (namely, my girls, because we still live in a sexist society) to hold the belief that losing your identity and social life because you are a parent is okay.

I do agree with your mother.
 

mom2many

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Jul 3, 2008
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Cybele! I've tried contacting you!

Now to the question..

I am a woman, who is also a wife and mom. My identity doesn't change because of that. Children grow up, and move on (I have 4 that have left the nest) and then what? You have to be a whole person, not just one or the other. As humans, male or female, we should never be defined by just one aspect of our lives.
 

cybele

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Feb 27, 2012
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Haha, long time no see. I deleted my Facebook account about 3 months before everyone on the other forum jumped ship, so that was it.
 

mom2many

Super Moderator
Jul 3, 2008
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cybele said:
Haha, long time no see. I deleted my Facebook account about 3 months before everyone on the other forum jumped ship, so that was it.
We all tried to bring you to our dark side, but we weren't having any luck reaching you. I hope everything is going well and the kids are doing good!
 

cybele

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Feb 27, 2012
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I haven't logged on there in ages, so if I do, I'm expecting to see a whole lot of messages :p

All is well, same goings on as usual.
 

akmom

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May 22, 2012
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It sounds like your mom was making excuses. She didn't go out to show you anything; she did it because she wanted to.

I don't see any problem with parents going out on occasion, but they should still have quality time with their kids. If she left every weekend, without you, and left you with the dog to fend for yourself then she was just being irresponsible.

My dad always decried the time he missed out on with us kids because he worked so much. I told him, he didn't really miss out, because kids have to see that. They have to see their parents work. They have to see how everyone's lives revolve around their responsibilities, and you make quality time for each other in the spaces in between. At least, that's what I got out of it. But that is quite a different lesson than what your mother pretended to "teach" you. Partying and working are not equivalent.