Particularly somewhere where I will get straight answers, rather than the responses I get from family and friends who just hug and "Oh sweetheart" and nod and agree, because that isn't helping me.
Yesterday morning I got a phone call from my mother, I assume most of you know bits and pieces of the history there, in short, not good, not on speaking terms. She was hysterical and crying saying that my Dad is dying. I couldn't get the full story, just hysterical crying and the name of a hospital near her and a room number.
No one else was home, everyone was either at work or school, I tried to forget about it but it kept playing in my head. I ended up going, I know I shouldn't have, but I did.
I get to the hospital and lo and behold, Dad is there, long story short he has inoperable pancreatic cancer, estimated to last 6 months, maybe a year if chemo buys him some more time.
I don't know why I so desperately had to be there, he was in for chemo and they have apparently known about this for 8 months, it wasn't like this was 'the end'. My Grandmother (Dad's mother) still doesn't know, and Dad doesn't want her to because "She's lost her mind, she doesn't even know who I am" (completely false, my Grandmother and I are very close, she is in a care facility, but every Friday I take her out for the day so she can do her errands and she stays for dinner to see her Great-Grandchildren, she's losing her vision and hearing, so you have to yell every now and then, but she is sharp as a tack, her mind is 100% there, she knows exactly who her son is and never misses an opportunity to point out how gravely disappointed she is in the man he has become).
Anyway, after some Grandmother-bashing, which really upset me, she is all I have of my family and childhood and she is everything to me, my Dad turned to me and said "So, now that I'm near my end, grace me with your ever important, knowledgeable opinion Margaret, oh sorry, I forgot, the name we gave you wasn't good enough for her royal highness, Cybele, are you actually happy with what you have made of yourself? Are you happy with the way you look? Are you happy that your children are sinners in the eyes of our lord? Are you happy with your husband? Are you happy that you work as a servant for the general public rather than actually bothering to raise your children? I cannot imagine how any of this nonsense has brought you any happiness, other than your own belief that you have proved that you can be so different from us."
I wish I could say that I came up with some kind of eloquent, intelligent response, but I didn't, I called him a 'f***ing b**tard' and told him that I cannot wait until he dies. I tried to leave but my mother followed me, grabbed my arm and told me that it was all okay, and that she had no issue with me working, especially as after my father dies I will financially support her. It then hit me why she wanted me to come, for financial purposes. I told her that wouldn't be happening, and she started on me about how it was my duty as her child.
I want to now point out that my husband and I are the only people who financially support my Grandmother, we pay her medical fees, her 'rent' is paid for out of her pension, however any extras, the bill is posted to us, my father made it clear that he was not interested in helping his mother and my mother's exact words at the time were "My money isn't being spent on HER, I don't even like her, she can live in a homeless shelter before I pay for her lifestyle". (Her lifestyle apparently being an aged care home...)
I asked her about Dad's duty to his mother and she snorted, then told me that I looked emaciated and that if I didn't gain weight my husband would look for a decent woman elsewhere.
I left at that point.
I received a text message today from my Dad stating "Your selfishness caused your mother to have a turn, she is crying about how she is going to live. I hope you are proud of yourself."
I want to clarify a few things:
1. My parents receive the aged care pension from the government
2. My father has life insurance that will pay out
3. My parents live in a 4 bedroom house in what is now an expensive area, they could sell that house for at least 1.5mil (they bought it in the 60's for $20,000 and paid off by the time the 70's were over)
4. I don't have money
5. I live in a falling apart house in a semi-rural area that is worth around $300,000, if that
6. I have 4 financial dependants and 3 semi-financial dependants
7. My parents have no dependants
My mother is not going to be living on the streets if I don't somehow find money in our meagre bank account to give to her and frankly, given the comparison of our financial positions, I think it is quite cruel of her to demand money from me. Not to mention that she isn't some old hag, I know several women her age who work, and if worst comes to worst, she is healthy and more than capable of earning her own money.
I know that I am not being horrible by denying her any money, and I know that nothing will change after my father dies, she will still be the same manipulative, racist, homophobic, angry woman she has always been, but I am torn. There is just so much that I don't know what to do
Do I tell my Grandmother what is going on?
Do I cut my Dad some slack? Will I regret it if he dies and I don't make some kind of amends?
What do I do about my mother? I don't have it in me to be a ruthless cow and just pretend that she doesn't exist, my Dad is all she has, she has driven everyone else away with her rotten attitude, what happens when he dies? I can't help but feel that I have some kind of responsibility over her, it was okay to just block her out when she had someone, but I don't know if I could live with the guilt of her loneliness, no matter how terrible she is to me.
Yesterday morning I got a phone call from my mother, I assume most of you know bits and pieces of the history there, in short, not good, not on speaking terms. She was hysterical and crying saying that my Dad is dying. I couldn't get the full story, just hysterical crying and the name of a hospital near her and a room number.
No one else was home, everyone was either at work or school, I tried to forget about it but it kept playing in my head. I ended up going, I know I shouldn't have, but I did.
I get to the hospital and lo and behold, Dad is there, long story short he has inoperable pancreatic cancer, estimated to last 6 months, maybe a year if chemo buys him some more time.
I don't know why I so desperately had to be there, he was in for chemo and they have apparently known about this for 8 months, it wasn't like this was 'the end'. My Grandmother (Dad's mother) still doesn't know, and Dad doesn't want her to because "She's lost her mind, she doesn't even know who I am" (completely false, my Grandmother and I are very close, she is in a care facility, but every Friday I take her out for the day so she can do her errands and she stays for dinner to see her Great-Grandchildren, she's losing her vision and hearing, so you have to yell every now and then, but she is sharp as a tack, her mind is 100% there, she knows exactly who her son is and never misses an opportunity to point out how gravely disappointed she is in the man he has become).
Anyway, after some Grandmother-bashing, which really upset me, she is all I have of my family and childhood and she is everything to me, my Dad turned to me and said "So, now that I'm near my end, grace me with your ever important, knowledgeable opinion Margaret, oh sorry, I forgot, the name we gave you wasn't good enough for her royal highness, Cybele, are you actually happy with what you have made of yourself? Are you happy with the way you look? Are you happy that your children are sinners in the eyes of our lord? Are you happy with your husband? Are you happy that you work as a servant for the general public rather than actually bothering to raise your children? I cannot imagine how any of this nonsense has brought you any happiness, other than your own belief that you have proved that you can be so different from us."
I wish I could say that I came up with some kind of eloquent, intelligent response, but I didn't, I called him a 'f***ing b**tard' and told him that I cannot wait until he dies. I tried to leave but my mother followed me, grabbed my arm and told me that it was all okay, and that she had no issue with me working, especially as after my father dies I will financially support her. It then hit me why she wanted me to come, for financial purposes. I told her that wouldn't be happening, and she started on me about how it was my duty as her child.
I want to now point out that my husband and I are the only people who financially support my Grandmother, we pay her medical fees, her 'rent' is paid for out of her pension, however any extras, the bill is posted to us, my father made it clear that he was not interested in helping his mother and my mother's exact words at the time were "My money isn't being spent on HER, I don't even like her, she can live in a homeless shelter before I pay for her lifestyle". (Her lifestyle apparently being an aged care home...)
I asked her about Dad's duty to his mother and she snorted, then told me that I looked emaciated and that if I didn't gain weight my husband would look for a decent woman elsewhere.
I left at that point.
I received a text message today from my Dad stating "Your selfishness caused your mother to have a turn, she is crying about how she is going to live. I hope you are proud of yourself."
I want to clarify a few things:
1. My parents receive the aged care pension from the government
2. My father has life insurance that will pay out
3. My parents live in a 4 bedroom house in what is now an expensive area, they could sell that house for at least 1.5mil (they bought it in the 60's for $20,000 and paid off by the time the 70's were over)
4. I don't have money
5. I live in a falling apart house in a semi-rural area that is worth around $300,000, if that
6. I have 4 financial dependants and 3 semi-financial dependants
7. My parents have no dependants
My mother is not going to be living on the streets if I don't somehow find money in our meagre bank account to give to her and frankly, given the comparison of our financial positions, I think it is quite cruel of her to demand money from me. Not to mention that she isn't some old hag, I know several women her age who work, and if worst comes to worst, she is healthy and more than capable of earning her own money.
I know that I am not being horrible by denying her any money, and I know that nothing will change after my father dies, she will still be the same manipulative, racist, homophobic, angry woman she has always been, but I am torn. There is just so much that I don't know what to do
Do I tell my Grandmother what is going on?
Do I cut my Dad some slack? Will I regret it if he dies and I don't make some kind of amends?
What do I do about my mother? I don't have it in me to be a ruthless cow and just pretend that she doesn't exist, my Dad is all she has, she has driven everyone else away with her rotten attitude, what happens when he dies? I can't help but feel that I have some kind of responsibility over her, it was okay to just block her out when she had someone, but I don't know if I could live with the guilt of her loneliness, no matter how terrible she is to me.
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