Just want peace...

[Bewildered]

I've been divorced from the mother of my two children for 8 years now and I still can't figure out how to co-parent with her. She drives me absolutely crazy!!! I have full custody of both of our children and she has supervised visitation due to her violent irrational behavior, mental instability and drug use(marijuana). For the past eight years I've raised our children with little to no help from her. Over the past two years she's only seen our kids a handfull of times. She recently drug me back into court for the umpteenth time for custody and lost once again. I however (mistakenly I think) agreed to let her see the kids every other weekend because my daughter in particular misses her mom. My daughter blames me for not being able to see her mother, despite the horrific things my daughter has witnessed her mom doing. My son doesn't want to see her....he says she just sleeps and smokes when he's with her. She denies this ofcourse.

Anyways...it was time to drop the kids off and my son asked to stay with me( the courts said he didn't have to go if he didn't want to). My daughter was on the phone with my ex before we left and mentioned to her mom that her brother wasn't coming. Apparently my ex lost her temper. My daughter was on the verge of tears and begged her brother to go because she was afraid her mom would yell at me when I dropped her off. I told her everything would be fine. While on the road, I received several texts ordering me to turn around and get my son. I replied by simply asking her to not cause a scene in front of our daughter. She still blew up my phone then called and chewed me out. The drop off went ok...she made one brief comment about bringing him next time and I hugged my daughter and left.

I feel like I'm at a loss. I'd love my kids to have a relationship with her and I've honestly tried over the years to make that happen. She's impossible though, always ordering me around, making demands, yelling in front of the kids, harassing me and my family, the list goes on and on. I don't react when she screams at me but it eats me up inside. Ugh! Why won't she just chill out and try to get along?? She's missed the kids entire childhood and that must weigh on her, but she keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over. Her actions make my son pull away even more. I thought giving her time with the kids was a step toward peace but now I'm doubting myself. Not having her around was nice but I had to live with my daughter being miserable. Now that she's in the scene again I'm afraid we all might suffer. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

[NancyM]

Hi Bewildered and welcome.

My goodness, she just keeps making everyone unhappy and keeps controlling your whole family. But you have control also, you need to exert it!

I don't know why you keep feeling sorry for her, in your post you say that you try to keep things together over and over again but she just keeps doing what she's doing to prevent it. Why don't you just let her figure out what SHE has to do CORRECTLY to get to see her children on yours and the courts terms.

Stop thinking about how she feels for a while and focus on how her bad attitude and violent behavior effects the kids. You can't fix her, she has to fix herself if she wants to fit into society and her family's life.

To be honest I wouldn't let my child alone with her <I>ever</I> if I could help it. She's not a mother, she only the person who gave birth to your children and that's about it. I would be afraid to leave my children with her, and my daughter would just have to accept that decision, that's what we parents are there for, to protect our kids from people like her.

I don't like the fact that she smokes pot in front of your son, obviously she's also doing that in front of your daughter why would she not?

Quote by Bewildered" My daughter was on the verge of tears and begged her brother to go because she was afraid her mom would yell at me when I dropped her off. I told her everything would be fine. While on the road, I received several texts ordering me to turn around and get my son. "

That's pretty sad. Your daughter should not be afraid to visit with her mother. Period. This is not a good thing.

This woman controls all of you by her outbursts and her actions.

You said she is mentally unstable, so how can you really reason with her?? Some how you have to set limits with her and make her understand she has to change to some degree before she can see her children more often. I think your son is right to not want to visit with her.

I'm concerned that your daughter will take her mistreatment just to be with her though. I'm feeling a little sad for your kids. can you get some help for them?

 

[Bewildered]

Sorry for the late response.

I agree with you 100%. I should have never suggested to the court any type of shared visitation, other than supervised. I'll never change her.

Just the other day her bad behavior reared its ugly head again. My girlfriend replied to a Facebook post by my daughter. My ex. then replied, (directing her message to my girlfriend) "focus on your relationship with her father ONLY, and what makes him happy. You get my point? Focus on knowing him only!". Pulling my innocent daughter into BS again! Long story short...I erased the ex wives nonsense...she posted more inappropriate comments &amp; I erased them...she texted me 22 times, called me telling me to keep my girlfriend away from the kids. She called my daughter's phone and yelled, "tell your dad I'll write whatever I want on your Facebook". INSANW

I've only seriously dated two people in the last eight years. Myself and prior girlfriend, both had 4-year restraining orders on my ex. She would constantly violate them and the police never did more than tell her to stop. It was discouraging. Once she even hit my girlfriend in the courthouse! She was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but got knocked up and got out of it. Apparently she had a miscarriage in the past which made it a high risk pregnancy. The stories go on and on of her not being held accountable but my point is this...when she is allowed in my family's life, she's destructive. And when she is legally prohibited from contact with us, she's destructive.
Right now I'm just trying to find a good therapist for my daughter, and take it from there.

 

[BabyAngel]

I would document everything and go back to court to get her visitation righs brought back to where they were before.. sad to see that but you have to do what you have to do to protect the children.

Isn't your daughter a little young for Facebook ?

 

[Jeena Farser]

Sorry for the late response.

I agree with you 100%. I should have never suggested to the court any type of shared visitation, other than supervised. I'll never change her.

Just the other day her bad behavior reared its ugly head again. My girlfriend replied to a Facebook post by my daughter. My ex. then replied, (directing her message to my girlfriend) "focus on your relationship with her father ONLY, and what makes him happy. You get my point? Focus on knowing him only!". Pulling my innocent daughter into BS again! Long story short...I erased the ex wives nonsense...she posted more inappropriate comments &amp; I erased them...she texted me 22 times, called me telling me to keep my girlfriend away from the kids. She called my daughter's phone and yelled, "tell your dad I'll write whatever I want on your Facebook". INSANW

I've only seriously dated two people in the last eight years. Myself and prior girlfriend, both had 4-year restraining orders on my ex. She would constantly violate them and the police never did more than tell her to stop. It was discouraging. Once she even hit my girlfriend in the courthouse! She was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but got knocked up and got out of it. Apparently she had a miscarriage in the past which made it a high risk pregnancy. The stories go on and on of her not being held accountable but my point is this...when she is allowed in my family's life, she's destructive. And when she is legally prohibited from contact with us, she's destructive.
Right now I'm just trying to find a good therapist for my daughter, and take it from there.

Hi. I have great sympathy for the torments you experience.
I know going to court can be heavy as justice grinds slowly but would it be so hard for you to ask the court to review their judgment so they can put on a more appropriate visitation ?

 

[bssage]

To me it sounds like you are doing everything a reasonable person would do.

The only advise I have is --You cant fight crazy. You just cant. Quit trying: its like trying to find a quite corner in a round room. I recommend that every time she does something insane. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat these words. YOU CANT FIGHT CRAZY.

 

[Aponder]

Violent Irrational behavior is bad...

Mental Instability is bad...

Smoking some weed... not bad. However if she's doing it in front of kids, that's bad.

My advice, either deal with it as you always have, which sounds like you let the woman walk all over you. Still. Dude, you're not even getting the 'benefits' anymore.

Either deal with it as you always have, or buck up. Assert yourself man. Don't let the woman walk all over you.

I mean, do you yell back at her or just sit there calmly as she rants and raves?

You should also consider blocking her number from receiving incoming calls save for such times as she has the kids.

Is it possible that maybe you like the attention she gives you in some sick way that you'll never admit?

You have the ability to keep her out of your hair most of the time. You'll always have to deal with her a bit cause of the kids, but if you really wanted her out of your life more thoroughly, you'd make it happen.