Lying teenager...

[Mikinurse]

Hello, I am new to this forum and I was looking for advice from other parents. I have a 16 (almost 17) year old daughter who cannot stop lying. I have run out of options to get her to understand that lying is harmful. I have grounded, removed privileges, yelled, ignored, had her older siblings talk to her, tried interventions from those close to her. I have run out of ideas. Her lies range from the smallest fibs to outrageous whoppers. (She told classmates I was in Iraq and contracted some desert fever and had to be hospitalized when I was actually away on a business trip) When I ask why she tells stories, her answer is as outrageous as the lies themselves. She states she wants to be like everyone else with a miserable life. She has a good life. We are by no means wealthy, but I do provide her with what she needs and frequently what she wants. She does not have access to her cell phone, social media sites, and so forth.
Any suggestions?
Thank you

 

[mom2many]

It sounds like it's time for therapy. You have an insecure girl, and lying is her way of making herself feel better, look better. Nothing you're doing is going to work because she is not a bad kid, she's a kid who needs help, more help then her family alone can give her. This is also not about you or your family, it's about her, so don't take it personal.

 

[artmom]

It sounds like she's creating a fantasy world and/or is looking for attention and sympathy from others.
I agree with mom2many, she needs help from a professional. There is nothing shameful about it and it is not uncommon for youth to require counselling and therapy. I don't know where you are, but you may have to get a referral through the family doctor or pediatrician, whatever doc you have for her.
For now, there could be other, temporary, solutions. I know you find it hard to believe everything she says. It could be worse. It doesn't sound like she's lying about drugs, alcohol and pregnancy. Sit down with her calmly and discuss with her your concerns and just listen to what she has to say. Don't give any suggestions that she is lying or label her as a liar. It would be a possible good idea to advice her to write her tales in a diary or journal when she is tempted to spill out her thoughts. Tell her to read them back, in her mind, and ask herself carefully if that entry should be repeated out loud.
This may give her some practice at self analyzing her thoughts and self-control in what she says.
After she thinks about her entry, she could write down some after thoughts underneath that entry about her thoughts on sharing or not sharing her entry.
These written entries should not be read by you or anyone else, unless premised by your daughter.
There is a journey of trust and respect to be gained and snooping would damaged your relationship and any comfort she has with you in confiding to you with her problems.
The purpose of the journal/diary is for her to delve into her mind without disturbing others and to allow her to see a larger picture of what is going on inside her.
Right now, it's not about what the tales are it's the frequency she is telling tales.

 

[Mikinurse]

I did call a therapist yesterday but I am concerned about her going to see one as they are mandated reporters and if she lies about being abused (which she hasn't) she could potentially cause irreversible damage to another life. Artmom, I thank you for your advice, I am going to try your suggestion regarding the journal. As for the "could be worse", you are absolutely correct with the exception of pregnancy. She did lie to her classmates about being pregnant, she is still a virgin. I have had "the talk" with her on many occasions, very clinical as I believe the more information one has, the better the chances of making a correct choice. With the frequency of lies, I honestly have no clue if what she is telling me is all truth, part truth, or complete story with everything she says, so then I am confused about what I need to do next.
Thank you

 

[mom2many]

Don't let fear get in the way, yes, they are reporters, but as therapist they also know that many of who they are trying to help, don't tell the truth.

I actually asked my sons therapist about this very question and it falls on them to determine what is truthful and what isn't. They don't run to CPS the moment an accusation is made.

 

[artmom]

There is no reason from them to report you if you are seeking help. If a therapist does feel the need to investigate it doesn't mean you will lose custody of your kid.

 

[Vdad]

Have you asked her why she's lying? Not in the heat of battle, but when things are Ok, just ask her in a non accusatory way why she so often seems to report things that are untrue (note how I delicately refrain from using the provocative word "Lie"). See if you can't get into a discussion about it. There's a huge difference btwn self protective lying...to avoid punishment...and downright psychotic: Faulty reality testing when the person actually believes what they;re saying, regardless of how preposterous or absurd. You need to determine where on the spectrum she is here.

Your decision to seek help should be determined by the results of your unscientific assessment, rather than a fear of what might happen. Professionals are there to help, not to get you (or the child) into trouble. They can tell the difference btwn a delusion and a reportable incident. If she's truly psychotic, she needs help, this won't get better on it's own