Moving a 16 yr old boy across the country.

[J-me]

I am looking for a fresh start for both of us. I am a single mom with a good career and a fullish time student. I am two years out of a long term serious relationship with a man who was not his dad. Dad is not in the picture. Lot of reasons and one of them is to get him out of the place we are in. He is not on board. We will be leaving family and friends behind but moving to wear I know people. He refuses to go. I don't know how I can make him. Has anyone had to face this challenge? How do I make him go? What can I say to make him understand. He is not my first teenager, he is my last. He is definitely the most strong willed of them though. Any advice is welcome but please be supportive.

 

[Amanda Jane]

Hi J-me
No sure if you've had any advice since you posted this. I've just joined as a new member so just saw your dilemma now, and maybe you've already managed your move away. I've just been through the same thing with my 15 and 11 year olds, moving country and leaving behind their whole lives for the country they were born in but have no other real ties with. The hardest part has been dealing with my son's grief and rage at leaving behind his friends, and what he sees as the best years so far of his life. Being in the middle of the pandemic has made it extra hard as he can't even make friends in his new school or surrounding community, whereas my youngest, a girl is just the age when playing in the park with other girls is still fine. I have had long talks with my son about his sadness and try constantly to show him why it's been necessary to leave, and that his loneliness is temporary. He is online a lot with his old friends, as they are all stuck at home in our old city too, and that to some extent helps, but it doesn't help him integrate in his new place. I realise I'm not really able to give you much encouraging advice, apart from be compassionate, and minimise his pain as far as you're able. Sign him up for sports or anything he enjoys you can within the pandemic restrictions. If you're able to socialise where you are and he can mix with fellow students, try and plan something he feels able to involve his classmates in - a treat or activity which would bring some attention to him from his peers. Try and spend some time with him whenever he is open to it, so that at least your own relationship can be as positive and supportive as possible given the circumstances. The main thing is to make sure that your reasons for moving him away from his world are really solid and undeniably good in the long run for him as well as for you. I decided with my husband to move our kids because my son had gotten into a negative spiral of destructive friendships and associations and had no interest in anything to do with school. I knew a more stimulating education system and more supportive teachers were urgently needed if he wasn't to lose all motivation for anything other than hanging out and gaming with like minded other kids. Hope you find a good solution to your situation!