Need advice about mending relationship with adult daughter.

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
I have a pretty amazing daughter, she's smart, beautiful, funny, and very kind - well to everyone but myself and my husband (soon to be ex-husbad). I admit that I made many mistakes, and have owned up to those, but I am looking for advice to mend our relationship.

Growing up, she was like the dream child - never had problems with her, she was sweet and polite, never got into trouble, always had good grades, and was always loving towards us and others. As she became older and a teenager, she and I could always talk about things even if we didn't see eye to eye on them. I am not naive and think that she told me everything, but we did talk often and about important issues. Just like any other relationship, it wasn't perfect but we always knew we loved each other. I made a point to be involved and support her growing up, it was important to me because my own mother didn't show that kind of support to me - she never went to any of my softball games, she didn't help me or help me prepare for college, its not that she was abusive, but she was just preoccupied with everything else in my life. It was important to me to make sure my daughter didn't feel this way. I was that parent that volunteered since Kindergarten all the way through high school, even if that meant getting up at 4am on a Saturday and spending my entire day at a band competition (she was in color guard). I did it because I wanted her to know I supported her. I never missed a competition, a science fair, an awards ceremony or a dance recital - I was there at every one of them because I wanted her to know I was there for her, and because it gave me such joy - I just love watching her dance or perform or be rewarded for her hard work. That's not to say I was perfect, there are many times I felt like a failure as a parent, but I tried my hardest to do the best for her. She was always very loving, even in high school, she would come up to me and give me a hug and say, "I love you" all the time. (Now she rarely says I love you back to me)

She went through a rough time towards the middle of her high school year where she was bullied, emotionally, by girls on her guard team. I tried to be there for her and let her know that it is more about their own insecurities than about her, but it was so hard watching her go through this. I wanted her to quit the team and get away from them, but let her decide what to do. She ultimately stayed with it, and in the end she helped another girl that these same group of girls did the same thing to. Maybe that is why God had her go through that pain, so she could be there to help someone else. I know that many say that surviving that kind of bullying makes you stronger, but I think that experienced changed her at her core and fostered some insecurities. Then, shortly after, she met her boyfriend, just before graduating. I really liked him, he was charming and very sweet to her. They were good together, always laughing. It brought me such joy to see her so happy. He broke up with her (temporary) and that just crushed her heart. I remember sitting with her on the bathroom floor where she just cried and couldn't catch her breath. It killed me that I couldn't take her pain away. They got back together, but I think things changed after that. They would still laugh all the time and really cared for each other, but it seemed like he now had a hold over her. I didn't hold a grudge, and I still liked him very much but did notice the change in dynamics.
Things really changed when she went away after high school. She got into several of the top schools in the nation, decided to go to a very elite school, and got a summer internship with a tech giant that many only dream about. I flew with her to get her settled for her summer internship that was on the opposite side of the US, and that was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried the entire plane ride home. We said that we would facetime often and it was her idea to do a girls trip when she was home for a month over college break. I even remember saying something like, you won't have much time and you'll probably want to spend time with your friends too, and her response was "I have 4 whole weeks, I want to spend a week with you". That meant the world to me, so I have been looking forward to it ever since.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Around this time and even before she left for her internship, I noticed changes with her boyfriend. For starters, her friends were telling me that they didn't think it was a healthy relationship. That she only spends time with them if he is there too, that whenever they would make plans she would ask if he could come. Or she would ask them to do something "because she was available since he was doing something else". And, that she always gives into him on every decision. This didn't sound like my daughter, anyone that knows her knows that she is very headstrong and loves a good debate. I also know how much she cared about her friends. I started seeing other red signs, he quit job after job for one reason or another. He was going to doordash but always had an excuse to not work. One time she told me that he said it wasn't busy enough to make money doordashing, but at the very same time people in our neighborhood facebook group were saying how busy and how much money they were making at doordash. She was making very good money at her internship, and he came to visit her for three weeks. He hadn't had a job in months, and went there for three weeks at a very expensive city so she obviously footed the bill. I also noticed that she was always paying for dinner and buying gifts. (Since then, she says that he also paid for dinners so I will believe her and maybe she didn't pay for every dinner and night out.) Whenever they would go out to dinner with me, I would pay for their dinner. And, its not like I can afford it, but I wanted to anyways. She told me that when she went out to eat with his family, she not only paid for herself but for him as well. I also noticed that he would often say something like "I like this air fryer" or mouse or I broke something, and she would buy it for him. We both have the same bank, and her statement came here and I opened it by accident without looking at the name. She had spent thousands on him, and this is money that she would need to live on during the next year of college. (Her statements still come her but I haven't opened a single one since that accident. Its another thing from my childhood, my mom used to read my notes I would pass with my friends and I hated that. I want to respect her privacy so they sit here in a pile unopened). I confronted her about spending all her college savings, and that is when things fell apart. She said that I was accusing him of awful things and refused to speak to me. It wasn't an accusation, I know that she was spending it on him. I didn't say it against him, I was concerned for her and that she would have the money to live off during the next year of college. She said that he never asked for a thing, which is true. But I think you can unknowingly get used to people taking care of you without intention to take advantage of them - at least that was my thinking at the time. I still liked him very much and thought that they were good together in every other way - despite the red flags that I was seeing. I am at fault partially, as I did not handle it well. I was concerned and freaked out at the amount she had spent on him. We didn't talk for a few days, which happened every now and then if we ever got into a fight, but then she sent me a photo of her kayaking. I took this as a sign she was ready to talk, and I sent her a pic of what I was doing, which was eating jell-o. Then, suddenly, she lashed out at me about how I accused her boyfriend of all these horrible things. I thought that everything written didn't sound at all like her. Even though I apologized that it came out as accusations, and that it really is her money to spend as she wants, I only said something out of concern and meant no malice towards him. She said it made her feel like I was judging her decisions, and I can understand how that made her feel. To her, I didn't trust her decisions, to me I was a concerned mom. I never wanted her to feel that way and I apologized for that. As a mom, my instinct is to protect her, but in her eyes I am trying to control her decisions. Since then, I haven't said a word about how she spends her money. She worked every summer during high school doing full time internships, worked hard to study, to get where she is now and to have these opportunities. She does make good money for a college student, enough to last her that she could live off all year without having to work during college, but if she chooses to spend it on him, I have decided that is her choice. It still worries me. And, to be honest, she is not the only one to have worked hard to get her there. When she was born, I gave up a dream job to work from home in a business with my husband doing a job that I really didn't like but it allowed me to spend time with her and be a bigger part of her life. I knew she was gifted, and the schools in our area aren't strong, so we sacrificed a lot to pay for her to go to a private school. She did have academic scholarships, but over the 4 years, it cost us over $20,000. That may not sound like must to you but to us, it was a sacrifice. On top of that, I worked fundraisers to cover the extra $1,000 a year it cost for color and winter guard - and I hated working bingo but I did it to support her. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot to get her there too. That's not to take away from her accomplishments, she did the work and deserves to be there, but I thought we were in it together. And, so it hurts a little to see her not care at all. I have just come to the decision that it is ultimately her decision.|
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
So, back to the events, we had just gotten in a fight about me confronting her about the money.
Things only got worse, and I handled things poorly as my entire life was falling apart. That's not an excuse, I still handled things poorly. I was going through the process of a divorce (at least its amicable). My dads health was getting worse, he was in pain daily and I hated seeing him like this. And, I had found a lump in my breast. I was sure I had cancer and the only thing I could think of is that I didn't want to die without making up with my daughter. At this point, she would not speak to me and insisted that I only text her. (She is still out of state at this time at the summer internship) So I kept trying to call her and she would refuse to pick up. I was panicked that I was going to die and not talk to my daughter before I died. I hadn't slept in weeks. I couldn't stop crying or think straight. (I later found that I also have a chemical imbalance that is prone to depression brought on by menopause- I had never had problems with depression before) I kept calling and pushing when I should have given her space. I was just convinced I was going to die any day now and I couldn't leave things like this. I did not want to tell her about the lump in my breast, but my husband who is still in the same house convinced me that I should tell her because she would be upset if she found out and I never told her. (Surprisingly he was very supportive during all this) I wish I had never told her as her response was "thanks for telling me, keep me informed". Never anything like, "Are you ok?"or "how are you doing with this?" She never once texted or called to see how I was doing. Even her friends, that didn't know anything that was going on, would text once in a while to ask how I was doing.

Despite being hurt by this, I continued to try to reach out while I was waiting the results of the biopsy - I still wasn't sleeping at all - and all I could think about is that I didn't want her to feel guilty if I died. She was still insisting that we only text. The words in the text were hurtful, I apologized for what I had said and that I realize this is her decision but she just kept saying that I wasn't apologizing for the right things. I felt like that words in the texts weren't hers but her boyfriends. It just didn't seem like she would be so cold to me knowing what I was going through. Then, came the worst text of all - she said I was just being manipulative. I had just told her I thought I had cancer and she thought I was telling her to manipulate her. I was distraught when I read the message and when I sat the phone down, and I was telling my husband about it, I must have hit facetime or call- not sure which, but she got a recording of that conversation. I said some things like "I can't believe she would say those things to her mom who might be dyeing, I wouldn't even say that to my own mom even if she wasn't dyeing." I also said that I thought those words must be her boyfriends and not hers. It was just easier to think that she would never say that to me. My husband, who has been dealing with me these past few weeks, got really upset when I said that she will probably have him take her to college now. He's been concerned about her boyfriends car and he said some pretty awful things about what he thought about her driving all that ways in an unsafe car. But, this was all a private conversation that was never meant to be heard and was just pretty raw, emotional moment. And, she got that recording. So, in that unfortunate moment, an accidentally recording, I ruined not only my relationship with my daughter but my husbands as well. She then shared that recording with her boyfriends family, which felt like the ultimate betrayal to both of us. I actually reached out to his family and him to apologize for the things I said and my husband said.

So, a little back story on his family. I have always enjoyed talking with his mom, usually via text. One day in the middle of all this, I get a voice mail from his mom saying that she was returning my call. I checked my phone, and there was no outgoing call. My first thought was that I had accidentally called. I called her back, and we ended up talking some. At this time, my daughter had talked about how they had planned to get married and move into family housing at the university. She had talked about how expensive housing was near the university for her boyfriend. So, I had told my daughter that it is not the only reason to get married at this time and she should wait until she gets out of college. She's only 18 this time and about to start her sophomore year (she just turned 19). As you can imagine, that didn't go over well. I know they love each other, and that is not the only reason that they are getting married, but I was concerned about her being able to finish school - marriage is a whole new dynamic, and the financial concern came up in my mind again. He was supposed to work all summer to save for an apartment to live near by - he did not work, he quit job after job. I feel like if he had been committed to living there, he would have worked his butt off to get there. Instead, he did not work most months leading up to the 3-week trip to see her, and they are getting married and he is going to live with her on campus. Back to the phone call with his mom. I thought this would be a good time to bring up this with his mom, that maybe we could talk to them together about just waiting a few years until after college. I was even thinking about offering to help if I could, as long as her boyfriend got a job and worked hard. Little did I know that this was a "set-up" for lack of better words. His mom actually had them listen to her side of the conversation only and never told me they were there. From her side of the conversation, it sounded like she was defending them, when in reality I was agreeing mostly with what she said except that I think my daughter should wait until after college to get married. His mom is all in favor of them getting married right now. She actually said that she encourages her kids to make a commitment early so they are not tempted to date other people. There's so much wrong with that statement. Anyways, my daughter accused me of trying to turn his mom against her, saying that she heard the entire conversation. I thought she meant that she heard my side too, and so I was confused as I didn't understand how she could take what I said as negative, and then she said she only heard his mom defending her. There was nothing to defend. Right after this, the thing with the accidental recording happened. And, I reached out to his mom to apologize and to him for the things I said about him - that those words in the text were probably his and not my daughters, and to explain about my husbands comments. She said some pretty horrible things, and so I responded appropriately. I then realized when my daughter repeated word for word what had been said that she had forwarded my text to my daughter. I am sure she didn't include what she said to me. I couldn't believe this was happening as I never thought his mom to be like this. I was so confused and caught off guard.
 

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Before all this happened, my husband had planned a trip to visit my daughter during her summer internship. Right before his trip, the thing had just happened with the recording, I found out that I have a lump and probably have cancer, and my dad whos health is failing is calling me crying on a daily basis that he just wants to die. My dad feels like a burden because he can't do anything for himself now, my mom even has to feed him. I couldn't take any more, and I had decided that if I have cancer, I don't want to be a burden like my dad and I looked up how much codeine (the only medicine I could find in the house) would it take to overdose if I found out I had cancer. My daughter hates me and I'm getting a divorce, I didn't want to be a burden if I was dying (which I was convinced I was). My husband caught me looking that up and he told my daughter about that on his trip. I wish he hadn't done that because later when I called her crying she thought I was suicidal and it scared her. I don't know if I would have done anything or not, I was in a pretty low place in life, felt the most alone I have ever felt... I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had gotten news that I had cancer. I couldn't sleep, I hadn't slept in 72 hours straight, and I wanted to check into the hospital just so they could give me something to sleep. If I could just sleep, maybe things would be better. Maybe I was having a mental breakdown, all this was just too much. My husband spends a week in Seattle, and she is distant towards him, even mean at times. He is sad as he was looking forward to spending time with her, and its all my fault, I ruined their trip.

Fast forward, my daughter has just a little less than two weeks between the time she comes home from her internship until the time she goes off to college, on the opposite side of the US. I am so looking forward to mending this time with her. Lots went wrong and things only got worse, even though I didn't think that was possible. So, her boyfriend texts me and my husband and tells us he is going to propose when she gets here. I knew the plan, and although I don't agree with them getting married at this time, I try to support my daughter. I ask her if I can leave work early and have dinner with her (actually to help her get ready but she doesn't know this). Instead she spends the day over at his family. When she sends me a pic of the ring, after the proposal, I tell her that I am happy that she is happy. I thought I said congratulations when she showed me the ring in person, she says I did not, my husband says he specifically remembers that I said congratulations. Apparently this is a point because I didn't say the right words. Also, when she posted about it on social media, all of my family that have her best interest at heart, called or texted me and asked me what what was going on, why now instead of waiting until after college. They just have the same concerns, because they love her too and want the best for her. She was hurt by this. I could see it in her face and as much as I don't agree with the decision, I want her to be happy. I decided before she even told me that I was going to support her in her decision but I couldn't lie and say I agree with it. I support it is her decision to make and I want her to be happy. I had planned a special day for us, to go try on wedding dresses, and then a party for all her friends and family at the end of the week. Before the day we had together, she got upset that my husband enforced the rule that no one in the house after midnight as we have to get up at 6 am. They got mad and left and went to his house to stay. The next day, I had to cancel the food orders for the party because it was a lot of money for something she wasn't going to be at. I cried the entire day. I had planned something fun for us, and something for her to see all her friends and family and she left and said she needed space and I needed to respect her boundaries. I wanted desperately to fix things, but she insisted on staying there.

I am beyond heartbroken. My daughter is here for just a short time, and I can't see her. I continue to reach out but she doesn't want to see me. But, there is hope. She reaches out to me and asks to meet me at our restaurant. A place that only we eat at because my husband doesn't like it and neither does her boyfriend. I am happy to have some alone time with her, and I was excited because I thought it meant something that it was our restaurant where just she and I can talk. Then she says her boyfriend is coming for support. Since when does she need support to see her mom. And, he doesn't like the food there anyways. And, so my husband insists on coming too. I felt in my heart that I shouldn't go through with it, but I wanted so badly for things to get better. We ended up going to a different restaurant, and as you can probably guess, things didn't go well. But, this was the most eye-opening moment and a time when I really became worried for my daughter. Up until this point, I was just concerned about her getting through college, and didn't really have any concerns about her boyfriend himself. This day changed that for me. I watched as he did everything he could to keep us from mending our relationship. He turned every word I said around and twisted, it "so you mean she's a bad daughter","so you mean she can't make her own decisions", and on and on. I never said or meant any of those things, but he twisted every word, and she never got a chance to answer without him twisting my comments first. I know my daughter is hurt that I don't agree with her decision to get married now, but I agree its her decision to make and with my whole heart, I want her to be happy. But, she said something that will forever ring through me and has truly broken my heart, she said, "His mom has been a better mom to me that you." I'm just numb and broken at this point and can't really tell you how the rest of the time went as it was just a blur after that. Her boyfriend was the most disrespectful to my husband. Then, they decide to leave, and her boyfriend reaches over, picks up my daughters wallet and pays with her card without a word to her. My husband didn't say anything else about it, but later told me, "that just says it all." Her boyfriend didn't give it a second thought to reach for her wallet and pay for it with her card, even in front of us.
 

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Then, this is where more red flags come up. My sister who has no idea of what is happening, picked up the cookies for the party. I made an excuse to cancel it, so she decides to take the cookies to my daughter at her boyfriends house. My sister said when she got there, that both her boyfriend and his mom wouldn't give her any space with her and that her boyfriend and mother were right on top of her answering all the questions for her. She said that his mom started to say something bad about me but my daughter shushed her and took the cookies to the kitchen. My sister, who had no idea of everything that was happening, made a point to tell me that it was so weird and seemed so controlling of them.

I am really surprised about his mom. They are a Christian family , as are we, and I have always encouraged the importance of family. Her boyfriend had an issue where he was self-cutting and my daughter confided in me. I encouraged her to get him to talk to his mom about it. He ran away one time after a fight with his dad, and I went with my daughter to pick him up, texted his mom that he was safe, and then encouraged him to go back home to his family and talk about it. It seems like his mom has done the opposite. She set up that call, told my daughter I was trying to turn her against her, and then tried to say something negative about me to my daughter. If I truly cared about someone, I would have been the opposite and encouraged them to make peace with the family. I hope I am wrong about his mom and that she truly is doing what she thinks is best for my daughter and that she really cares for her. I know that she is looking out for her son who she thinks has been wronged, but I also hope that she truly cares for my daughter and doesn't continue to encourage disharmony between our family.

If you are still reading, we're almost current to today. Just when I didn't think my heart could be broken and further, my daughter didn't have us drop her off at college. She is a sophomore, but her first year was remote. It is heartbreaking because it is a parents right of passage. I feel like we got to this point together, and I just don't know that she really understood how much that hurt. Maybe she did and didn't care, I don't know. It seemed like it was an easy decision for her. I also missed her birthday which was at the same time. I am more sad about that than anything else. These are her decisions and I am trying to respect that these are her decisions, but I can't say that they hurt any less. I really don't understand what I am doing wrong.

I realize that she doesn't think I respect her right to make her own decisions so I have been trying to give her space to do that. She said they they were buying a car. First off, she can't drive at college, 9 months of the year as there is no place for it. There is no reason for her to get a car now, she can't drive on campus. Its obviously a car for him to drive and she is paying for it. Therefore it is "their" car. I didn't ask, but I am willing to bet the car is in his name and not hers even if she paid for it. But, I told myself this is her decision, I will not say anything about it one way or the other. When she first mentioned it, I suggested getting a loan and getting a more reliable car as they are planning to take this car across country for 3 days next summer. (Its and older car, I imagine she paid around 4,000 or 5,000 for it). They decided not to do that. He had an old used car before, which my husband was always worried about, that doesn't run and is in their yard right now. I just pray that they are safe if they take it across country. Anyways, I have stayed out of it and let it be her decision to make, and she still says I said something negative which I never did. I didn't say anything at all.

I had talked about her staying on my insurance even though she can't drive at school. I thought she might want to drive to see her friends and be independent and be able to drive when she wants and not rely on me or her boyfriend to take her. After all, "they" have a car now. At first she didn't want it and then I said I'd pay for it and she was ok with that. I asked her for a copy of her grades to keep the car insurance discount, and she sent them to me. The insurance company said that they need a copy of the grades with her name on it and so I asked her for that. And, then she comes back and says I don't listen to her and that she doesn't want the insurance and would rather have the money for the wedding. I said I will cancel her on the insurance then and she said I didbnt listen to her. I am assuming that she wanted the money for the wedding.

My co-workers, that I had to tell a little about what was going on because I was coming into work crying, said that they thought the time she was being nice to me was only because I had agreed to pay some for the wedding. I told them that they are wrong, that she is not like that. But, this last incident hurts and give credibility to their theory. I was going to give her money previously, and then I got all the medical bills. I was still going to pay the medical bills over time, so I could give her money for the wedding, but then realized I would save a lot by paying for them in advance, I saved almost $2,000. I said I would still contribute but I didn't know how much. When this happened, things got worse between us again. My friends were saying that she was only nice before because of the wedding money. I still don't think that was true. But, it does seem to be that the only thing she wants me involved in the wedding is footing the bill or cleaning up afterwards. I asked her to go to the place that "Say Yes to the Dress" is filmed as a fun trip to try on wedding dresses. I even asked her best friend to go with us. But, my daughter didn't want to go because she said she felt like I didn't want her boyfriend there. He's not supposed to be there for the dress shopping or to see her in her dress. Her best friend, said she thought it was a good idea, but since my daughter didn't want to go that we could go when she gets engaged. I love that she said that, and I will love to be there for her as she's like a daughter to me, but its just not the same.

Not only that, but she doesn't want to do any kind of trip with me as we had discussed over the vacation. I still don't think that she only wants money from me, but it hurts that she doesn't want to involve me any other way either. I understand that it hurts her that we don't think its the right decision. I can't change what I think but I can change how I act and we are supporting her. We can love her and want the best for her even if we don't think its what best for her, we just have to have faith in she knows what is best.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
My co-worker also has a daughter which she has broken her heart over her boyfriend. Her daughter just recently took the blame for a car her boyfriend stole from her so that her parents won't press charges. She is talking to a professional psychiatrist about everything, and she was telling me about all the warning signs that she saw that ignored. She says there are a lot of similarities with the dynamics between my daughter and her boyfriend, especially when he told my husband that he calls my daughter and asks her who she is sitting by. Excuse me, he does what? My daughter has to tell you who she is sitting by when she goes out or who she is with? I am guessing he doesn't want her around other guys, but she is at an engineering school, if she doesn't have guy friends, she will be very lonely. My co-worker said that the psychiatrist that she was talking to about her daughter said that is one way of controlling her, if he isolates her and makes her feel lonely then she is more dependent on him. I pray this is not happening to my daughter and that she would realize this. I know my daughter, I have faith in my daughter. She is strong, and she is smart, and I have confidence that she won't lose herself.

I am trying to give her boyfriend another chance, but my opinion is forever altered. Just the other day, my daughter accused me and then my husband of hacking into her phone and Instagram. I am so hurt by the whole accusation. First of all, I would never do that. Like I said, I hated when my mom invaded my privacy and I don't want to do that to her. And, secondly, I wouldn't know how to do that. Anyways, the person was unfriending his mom- which I guess that is why she thought it was me because my opinion of his mom is also forever changed. (She forgot that was happening to my account, I just stopped trying to friend her) But, part of me can't help but to wonder if it was her boyfriend to try to blame me. He has both an iPhone and an Android phone which were used. I only know this because she told me he was using an old android phone. But, then he was here next to both my daughter and myself when mine and his moms accounts were being unfriended so it couldn't be him. I saw it happening on her phone right before my eyes with him in the room. Maybe it was his mom. I hate that I even suspect them. I hope that is not the case, and I would never accuse them, but it is in the back of my mind as they continue to try to drive a wedge between us. That's crazy thinking, right? My husband has that suspicion too because my daughter could have been logged on her boyfriend’s phone. Even though a small part of me suspects them, a larger part of me hopes that is not true. Despite what my daughter thinks, I love her and everything I have ever done has been for her and I just want her to be happy and I want her marriage to be a happy and healthy one.

I have heard what my daughter is saying. I understand that she wants to make her own decisions and that I should trust her to do that. I can't change my opinions, but I can respect hers. I did get her boyfriend a job with my sister picking up trash around an apartment complex. My sister originally said that she could have him work with my nephew to learn some carpentry skills, which maybe he would like or at the very least learn a useful trade. (He currently isn't going to college either). Before she could do that, she said he came back and said that he had to be off work by 2PM because he was busy, but he would go into work earlier. The owners of the property approached my sister and said that he is never there when they are there, even by 9:00 am, and they feel he's not there as much as he's getting paid for. So, now he's taking advantage of my sister. I told my sister that its her choice what to do. I just feel bad because now I put her in that situation. Part of me wanted to reach out and tell my daughter, but I felt that would only make things worse. This is between them.

Anyways, if you have gotten this far, you know the last year of my life. I have made some mistakes, I fell short, I could have done it better. I have been overprotective, but I have apologized, and I have tried to let my daughter live her life and make her own decisions. I have heard what she is saying, and I just want to be part of her life, not control it. I want nothing more than to have a good relationship with my daughter, but at the same time, I can't take the pain that comes with the rejection. This is where the advice comes in. Do I just give up and pray that she lives a long and happy life with her future husband? Does she really hate me or is it her boyfriend and family trying to drive a wedge between us? Do I continue to reach out only to be heartbroken again. Will things ever be different? How do I work towards making things different? My daughter hates me and I don't understand why or what I could do different. Regardless of how she feels about me, I will always love her unconditionally.
 
Last edited:

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
I think you should pray and let her make her own mistakes. Stop trying to help the boyfriend at all - he's an adult and can find work for himself without getting the rest of your family involved. It was a mistake getting your sister involved because now when she rightfully fires him your daughter will think that's an attack on her but I think the sooner that happens the sooner that will heal.

After the wedding stop being so supportive of your daughter too. Clearly you've been too supportive her whole life. She needs to hit rock bottom and see that life isn't nice or fair to come back around.

My dad's philosophy was to give us the tools to support ourselves (work ethic, problem solving skills), but we're on our own with our decisions. He'd only help us if we're truly rock bottom and will live by his rules again like we used to as kids/teens.

Good luck. You've been a good mom. Too good. Your daughter needs to take some lumps in life. Let her.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Thank you for your kind words, but I do not feel like a good mom. I feel like the worst mom in the world. My own daughter wants nothing to do with me. I know I handled the whole situation wrong when I was trying to reach out to her - my whole life was falling apart and I felt alone. I went from the person that she always came to for advice to the person that needed comforting. I didn't think that was so unforgiveable, but maybe it is.

You sound like my husband in that I gave her too much support and did too much for her. Even the internship she got, she would have missed the deadline if it weren't for me. And, she forgets that when she continues to tell me that she well she is doing on her own. I don't mean to take away from her achievements, but she would have missed that deadline. Maybe I shouldn't have helped and maybe she wouldn't be where she is now and things would be different. I just felt like my mom didn't guide me, so maybe I overcompensated.

As for the boyfriend, I do regret getting him the job now. I only wanted to help because she said he was having trouble finding another job (which seems odd because every place is closing early because they have no workers). I feel bad that I put my sister in this position. I'm not sure why he wants off early. I am hoping that its not just because he doesn't want to work. Maybe he is working a second job or doordashing? If I was planning to get married, I would be working hard and saving every dime - maybe that is what he is doing. I don't know, but either way, he is still taking advantage of my sister and the trust she gave that he was working the number of hours he said. She just recently got a promotion and this looks bad on her. I feel horrible about that.

Anyways, I do pray daily about the situation. I tried to text her today and it is apparent by her reply that she isn't open to a relationship. She still accuses me of hacking her phone. It feels awful to be falsely accused. I just can't take any more of it. I am done. I still love her with all my heart but I am done reaching out to her. I need to protect myself. I did find another lump. I don't think I ever said, but the first one was precancerous. I am not assuming the worst, but this one is probably cancer as it feels different. I am keeping a level head this time. And, I am not telling anyone ... well except you but you have no idea who I am.
 

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
While I obviously can't predict the future I do think that blood is thicker than water and that, probably later than sooner, your daughter will want to reconcile.

This is also just my thoughts based on what all you've said but it sounds like she's reached her rebellious stage. It's just later than many I think because you've been so supportive all her life - I think most kids/teens go through a stage that they want nothing to do with their parents, it just happens at different times for everyone, usually in the teens.

I know personally I started building a better relationship with my parents once I got married and realized my parents were right about a lot of things. Then when I bought a house I realized they were right about more than I thought. And even more now that I'm a mother to a young child. And I'm sure my understanding of them and appreciation of their wisdom will only continue to grow as I go through more and more stages of life.

Up until this point it sounds like your daughter had it pretty easy. Yea she was bullied but pretty much everyone gets bullied. But other than that she had supportive parents who helped keep her on track. Once life starts to rear it's ugly head I think she'll come to realize how good she had it and how good a mother you've always been.

I think give her some space and let her make some mistakes. She'll never learn otherwise.
 

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Today I went to text her and ask her how her test went that she was stressed about, and then I put down the phone. I wanted to ask her about her first dance show coming up, and put down the phone. I started to tell her about this funny thing that happened at work, and I put the phone down. I guess I had just become accustomed to talking and texting with her all this time, it seems weird not to. More sad than weird. But, I know you are right. I need to just leave her alone. I think I am so desperate to fix it because with everything happening with my parents health and what's going on with me, I feel like these are wasted moments that we will never get back and as you get older like me, you realize you are running out of time, and time with our loved ones is really the most precious thing we have.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Moonstone

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
While I'm only in my 30s and so I don't truly understand I can certainly sympathize. I know when I was in my late teens, early 20s I didn't feel the sense at all but my parents, while only in their mid-50s are starting to show their age so I am starting to get that sense. I can only imagine when I'm older myself and experiencing health problems myself plus my parents going through even worse health problems than they already are how much more that will contribute to my day to day life and interactions.

Still, I'm sure your daughter is still too young to understand at all. She's busy learning to spread her wings. And, yes, if something happens to you she may look back and regret this time she's missing with you but that's only something, at this time in the life, that she'll be able to look back at in hindsight.

I'm sure it's hard but if you smother her you'll only drive her further away. I don't remember the exact quote but something about "if you love something you need to set it free". It's up to her to come back to you. But I still think you should text her for her birthday and holidays or other family events until she comes back around so it's clear you're still interested in a relationship. Even "next week we're gathering for xyz holiday/dad's birthday and you're invited if you'd like to come (with boyfriend if they're still together - just be cordial, but don't give until him.). We're meeting at aunt Jane's at 10am" or whatever that looks like.
 

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Today is a really really rough day. I found out that my daughter is flying home for Thanksgiving and staying with her boyfriend's family and wasn't even going to tell us. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more. Why does it feel like when you are down is when you get kicked again.
 

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
Today is a really really rough day. I found out that my daughter is flying home for Thanksgiving and staying with her boyfriend's family and wasn't even going to tell us. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more. Why does it feel like when you are down is when you get kicked again.
I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't know if this helps, but when my dad left my mom, I didn't make any plans with him for a long time either. I didn't invite him to the courthouse when I got married although I invited my mom, sister, and grandparents on mom's side.

He and I have a good relationship now though.

I know it'll be hard but she's discovering how to be her own person for the first time. I think if you give her time she'll come around.

I still think you should wish her a happy thanksgiving but don't let on that you know about her plans if she doesn't already know that you know.
 

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
She knows I know, she told me. I don't think she cares if she hurts us. Today was the day I decided to move on. I cried all day, and I probably will cry every day for a long time. I just wish people would quit asking me about her. I never know what to say - I can't say, I don't know how she is doing because she hates me and won't talk to me.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I don't talk about it to my family or friends in real life. Partly because I don't want anyone to think badly of her - is that weird? And, partly because I don't like it when people feel sorry for me. My co-workers know some of what's going on because I was crying all day at work and so I had to tell them what was going on. I regret that a little because my boss just keeps saying that "her boys would never hurt her like that" and it just makes me feel worse every time she says that.

I am glad you and your father have a good relationship now. I don't think I have that kind of time unfortunately. I have accepted it as it is and pray for a good life for her.
 
Last edited:

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
If people ask I would probably just say "she's an adult now living her life". Sorry to hear about your boss. How old are her boys? Also, I believe the dynamic with boys is different anyway. I call my family every week now. My husband, at best, will text or call on a holiday (If he's reached out to first) or a birthday since I remind him. That said, unlike me, he won't purposefully avoid interacting - for him it's a matter of remembering the event, if that makes sense.

Obviously not all guys are like my husband but in knowing men and parents of boys it seems more likely that you'll have a generally less interactive, but also less dynamic (rollercoaster-like), relationship with brothers and sons than sisters or daughters. If your boss's sons still live with them then it's no wonder they think "my son's would never did that". If the sons are out of the house your boss probably needs to initiate the conversion 99% of the time (and if the other parent is still in the picture I wouldn't be surprised if that other parents reminds the boys about birthdays coming up. Heck, my ex-boyfriend's parents were divorced and the parents would still remind him of the other's birthday). It's up to you whether you feel like asking. Personally, I wouldn't touch on the subject and just let your boss think what they want.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
She has three grown boys, all older and the last one just got married. She just keeps saying about how her boys would never not involve her in the wedding planning, or not have her go with them to college, or not want her to not text or call. I just feel awful every time she says that, so I try not to talk about it at all at work. I even find myself making excuses for my daughter as to why it is ok for her to hurt me.

I've known my boss for a long time and she has always been a workaholic so I know she wasn't there for a lot of things when her boys were growing up. I was the opposite, put my career on hold for my daughter, and now she is the one with a good relationship with her boys. It's ironic, what I thought might have been best wasn't best after all.

I went to church today and I really don't understand God's will. I had been looking for a new church home for awhile, and during Covid, I started watching the online sermons of a church I had wanted to try out. Once they started having in-person services, I started going in person. I was even looking into joining a life group. And, then today, in walks my daughter's boyfriend's family. I no longer feel comfortable in the place that was starting to feel like home. I don't understand why they are there, they go to a different church. And, they even said that they didn't like this church when my daughter told them that I was thinking of attending it.

My dad had another rough night last night. Called me at 2:00am. I went there and he was crying, my mom was crying, I stayed and helped until about 5:00am. I haven't been very close to my own mom just because we have always been so distant growing up. Like I said, she wasn't very involved in my life. But, now, I have a sense of maybe that was the best she could do. I've always loved her, but maybe I owe her more than that. Maybe I need to spend more time with them and make more of an effort. Maybe there is a lesson for me in all of this?
 

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
I do think there is a lesson. It is interesting, despite doing things completely differently from your own mother, the cycle seems to continue. Was your mom present in your daughter's life when she was young? For example, I'd see both sets of grandparents at least once a week when they lived nearby, and saw my mom's parents once a week until my 20s (my dad's parents moved to Florida but we still saw them a lot in the summer and once in the winter - snowbirds with an RV).

Also, I think you should stay at the church if you feel at home there. Are there multiple sermons and you can go at a different time? Also, you can try to avoid the boyfriend's family if they make you uncomfortable. Of course, if they're pleasant, be pleasant back, but you don't need to go out of your way to interact with them either. Have they tried to talk to you there? If so, how did that go?

And, don't worry about your boss. Every family is different. I wouldn't get my mother involved in my wedding planning but I'm also in my 30s and wouldn't agree with her ideas anyway. (I still have yet to have a ceremony, but I'd like a house with a yard to keep it low key and cost effective) Heck, you can argue I didn't get her involved with my actual wedding plan since my husband and I decided to do a courthouse and chose the restaurant for lunch after without consulting anyone.

I also chose not to go to university but if I had after community college I wouldn't have let my parents take me.

Your problems with your daughter seem very similar to my mother in law and her daughter, who had a good relationship with her until she moved out of state and started a relationship with her now husband. My sister in law is in her 30s now with kids and, for whatever reason, won't patch things up with her mom despite wanting her mom in her kid's lives. I don't really know much about it because she only wants to talk about family drama with my husband who wants no part. I've offered to help but since I'm expecting twins along with also caring for a 1 year old, she doesn't want me overly involved. I am hoping that if the rift isn't mended when my kids are older that she'll open up to me a little more. She did open up some during the time between kids but we left off at it needing to be something we discussed in person.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
My mom's relationship with me is very different than my daughter's relationship with me. I have not cut my mom out of my life, and if she were to make an effort to call me or see me, I would do it. It's just that she has never done that. I am the opposite with my daughter, but she has completely cut me out of her life.
 

Moonstone

Member
Nov 9, 2020
82
5
8
USA
My mom's relationship with me is very different than my daughter's relationship with me. I have not cut my mom out of my life, and if she were to make an effort to call me or see me, I would do it. It's just that she has never done that. I am the opposite with my daughter, but she has completely cut me out of her life.
I meant, when your daughter was little, did she spend time with her grandmother? I'm also curious if you spent time with your own maternal grandmother growing up.
 
Last edited:

sadmom789

New member
Oct 10, 2021
14
1
3
Yes she spent time with both grandparents, and on holidays. Which makes it even harder now. Both my dad and my husband's dad are not doing well and are in the hospital. I am so sad that I can't see my dad because of covid. They said he could pass any day now or it could be weeks. I let my daughter know about my dad and she doesn't seem to care. I thought she would want to know as they have always been good to her and loved her. But, she sent me a message back about boundaries and why she won't be staying with me for Thanksgiving. I don't even recognize my daughter any more. My dad is in the hospital, they say he could die any minute now and she sends me a message about boundaries. I thought at the very least she would say I'm sorry papaw is sick, are you ok? I was worried that she would be upset with being so far away, but, she doesn't seem to care at all about any of us. I don't understand., she is not the daughter I raised, its like she is some cold, heartless stranger. Yes, I made a comment about all the money she spent on her boyfriend (6 months ago), but I never did anything intending any harm. I know I pushed to see her when I thought I was going to die and handled things completely wrong since then. But, is that any reason to cut your family completely off. Who just completely cuts off their family and says weird accusations about them because they tried too hard to see them and said that truth 6 months ago. I know some of the words about boundaries are the exact words of his mom because she said to me one time about her son and how my daughter would choose him over us, but I don't care who put those ideas in my daughters head. (For the record, I never wanted her to choose, I just wanted her to think about her decisions with money at the time, but haven't said anything about her buying him a car or her having to look for a job while going to school when he doesn't even go into work for all the hours for his current job - I haven't said a word about it) But, in the end, those are my daughter's words, she chose to speak them (well type them) to me and I will never forget how cold she is to me at a time when my dad is dying. At a time when we could all use family, she chooses to rub it in my face that she is staying with her boyfriends family. I have just given up, even though she is my daughter and I love her, I can't have people in my life that stomp on my heart when it is hurting most and not even care to say I am sorry to hear about your dad. Strangers I barely know at least care that much.
 
Last edited: