Need advice about mending relationship with adult daughter.
- Thread starter sadmom789
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I think you should pray and let her make her own mistakes. Stop trying to help the boyfriend at all - he's an adult and can find work for himself without getting the rest of your family involved. It was a mistake getting your sister involved because now when she rightfully fires him your daughter will think that's an attack on her but I think the sooner that happens the sooner that will heal.
After the wedding stop being so supportive of your daughter too. Clearly you've been too supportive her whole life. She needs to hit rock bottom and see that life isn't nice or fair to come back around.
My dad's philosophy was to give us the tools to support ourselves (work ethic, problem solving skills), but we're on our own with our decisions. He'd only help us if we're truly rock bottom and will live by his rules again like we used to as kids/teens.
Good luck. You've been a good mom. Too good. Your daughter needs to take some lumps in life. Let her.
After the wedding stop being so supportive of your daughter too. Clearly you've been too supportive her whole life. She needs to hit rock bottom and see that life isn't nice or fair to come back around.
My dad's philosophy was to give us the tools to support ourselves (work ethic, problem solving skills), but we're on our own with our decisions. He'd only help us if we're truly rock bottom and will live by his rules again like we used to as kids/teens.
Good luck. You've been a good mom. Too good. Your daughter needs to take some lumps in life. Let her.
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While I obviously can't predict the future I do think that blood is thicker than water and that, probably later than sooner, your daughter will want to reconcile.
This is also just my thoughts based on what all you've said but it sounds like she's reached her rebellious stage. It's just later than many I think because you've been so supportive all her life - I think most kids/teens go through a stage that they want nothing to do with their parents, it just happens at different times for everyone, usually in the teens.
I know personally I started building a better relationship with my parents once I got married and realized my parents were right about a lot of things. Then when I bought a house I realized they were right about more than I thought. And even more now that I'm a mother to a young child. And I'm sure my understanding of them and appreciation of their wisdom will only continue to grow as I go through more and more stages of life.
Up until this point it sounds like your daughter had it pretty easy. Yea she was bullied but pretty much everyone gets bullied. But other than that she had supportive parents who helped keep her on track. Once life starts to rear it's ugly head I think she'll come to realize how good she had it and how good a mother you've always been.
I think give her some space and let her make some mistakes. She'll never learn otherwise.
This is also just my thoughts based on what all you've said but it sounds like she's reached her rebellious stage. It's just later than many I think because you've been so supportive all her life - I think most kids/teens go through a stage that they want nothing to do with their parents, it just happens at different times for everyone, usually in the teens.
I know personally I started building a better relationship with my parents once I got married and realized my parents were right about a lot of things. Then when I bought a house I realized they were right about more than I thought. And even more now that I'm a mother to a young child. And I'm sure my understanding of them and appreciation of their wisdom will only continue to grow as I go through more and more stages of life.
Up until this point it sounds like your daughter had it pretty easy. Yea she was bullied but pretty much everyone gets bullied. But other than that she had supportive parents who helped keep her on track. Once life starts to rear it's ugly head I think she'll come to realize how good she had it and how good a mother you've always been.
I think give her some space and let her make some mistakes. She'll never learn otherwise.
While I'm only in my 30s and so I don't truly understand I can certainly sympathize. I know when I was in my late teens, early 20s I didn't feel the sense at all but my parents, while only in their mid-50s are starting to show their age so I am starting to get that sense. I can only imagine when I'm older myself and experiencing health problems myself plus my parents going through even worse health problems than they already are how much more that will contribute to my day to day life and interactions.
Still, I'm sure your daughter is still too young to understand at all. She's busy learning to spread her wings. And, yes, if something happens to you she may look back and regret this time she's missing with you but that's only something, at this time in the life, that she'll be able to look back at in hindsight.
I'm sure it's hard but if you smother her you'll only drive her further away. I don't remember the exact quote but something about "if you love something you need to set it free". It's up to her to come back to you. But I still think you should text her for her birthday and holidays or other family events until she comes back around so it's clear you're still interested in a relationship. Even "next week we're gathering for xyz holiday/dad's birthday and you're invited if you'd like to come (with boyfriend if they're still together - just be cordial, but don't give until him.). We're meeting at aunt Jane's at 10am" or whatever that looks like.
Still, I'm sure your daughter is still too young to understand at all. She's busy learning to spread her wings. And, yes, if something happens to you she may look back and regret this time she's missing with you but that's only something, at this time in the life, that she'll be able to look back at in hindsight.
I'm sure it's hard but if you smother her you'll only drive her further away. I don't remember the exact quote but something about "if you love something you need to set it free". It's up to her to come back to you. But I still think you should text her for her birthday and holidays or other family events until she comes back around so it's clear you're still interested in a relationship. Even "next week we're gathering for xyz holiday/dad's birthday and you're invited if you'd like to come (with boyfriend if they're still together - just be cordial, but don't give until him.). We're meeting at aunt Jane's at 10am" or whatever that looks like.
I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't know if this helps, but when my dad left my mom, I didn't make any plans with him for a long time either. I didn't invite him to the courthouse when I got married although I invited my mom, sister, and grandparents on mom's side.
He and I have a good relationship now though.
I know it'll be hard but she's discovering how to be her own person for the first time. I think if you give her time she'll come around.
I still think you should wish her a happy thanksgiving but don't let on that you know about her plans if she doesn't already know that you know.
If people ask I would probably just say "she's an adult now living her life". Sorry to hear about your boss. How old are her boys? Also, I believe the dynamic with boys is different anyway. I call my family every week now. My husband, at best, will text or call on a holiday (If he's reached out to first) or a birthday since I remind him. That said, unlike me, he won't purposefully avoid interacting - for him it's a matter of remembering the event, if that makes sense.
Obviously not all guys are like my husband but in knowing men and parents of boys it seems more likely that you'll have a generally less interactive, but also less dynamic (rollercoaster-like), relationship with brothers and sons than sisters or daughters. If your boss's sons still live with them then it's no wonder they think "my son's would never did that". If the sons are out of the house your boss probably needs to initiate the conversion 99% of the time (and if the other parent is still in the picture I wouldn't be surprised if that other parents reminds the boys about birthdays coming up. Heck, my ex-boyfriend's parents were divorced and the parents would still remind him of the other's birthday). It's up to you whether you feel like asking. Personally, I wouldn't touch on the subject and just let your boss think what they want.
Obviously not all guys are like my husband but in knowing men and parents of boys it seems more likely that you'll have a generally less interactive, but also less dynamic (rollercoaster-like), relationship with brothers and sons than sisters or daughters. If your boss's sons still live with them then it's no wonder they think "my son's would never did that". If the sons are out of the house your boss probably needs to initiate the conversion 99% of the time (and if the other parent is still in the picture I wouldn't be surprised if that other parents reminds the boys about birthdays coming up. Heck, my ex-boyfriend's parents were divorced and the parents would still remind him of the other's birthday). It's up to you whether you feel like asking. Personally, I wouldn't touch on the subject and just let your boss think what they want.
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I do think there is a lesson. It is interesting, despite doing things completely differently from your own mother, the cycle seems to continue. Was your mom present in your daughter's life when she was young? For example, I'd see both sets of grandparents at least once a week when they lived nearby, and saw my mom's parents once a week until my 20s (my dad's parents moved to Florida but we still saw them a lot in the summer and once in the winter - snowbirds with an RV).
Also, I think you should stay at the church if you feel at home there. Are there multiple sermons and you can go at a different time? Also, you can try to avoid the boyfriend's family if they make you uncomfortable. Of course, if they're pleasant, be pleasant back, but you don't need to go out of your way to interact with them either. Have they tried to talk to you there? If so, how did that go?
And, don't worry about your boss. Every family is different. I wouldn't get my mother involved in my wedding planning but I'm also in my 30s and wouldn't agree with her ideas anyway. (I still have yet to have a ceremony, but I'd like a house with a yard to keep it low key and cost effective) Heck, you can argue I didn't get her involved with my actual wedding plan since my husband and I decided to do a courthouse and chose the restaurant for lunch after without consulting anyone.
I also chose not to go to university but if I had after community college I wouldn't have let my parents take me.
Your problems with your daughter seem very similar to my mother in law and her daughter, who had a good relationship with her until she moved out of state and started a relationship with her now husband. My sister in law is in her 30s now with kids and, for whatever reason, won't patch things up with her mom despite wanting her mom in her kid's lives. I don't really know much about it because she only wants to talk about family drama with my husband who wants no part. I've offered to help but since I'm expecting twins along with also caring for a 1 year old, she doesn't want me overly involved. I am hoping that if the rift isn't mended when my kids are older that she'll open up to me a little more. She did open up some during the time between kids but we left off at it needing to be something we discussed in person.
Also, I think you should stay at the church if you feel at home there. Are there multiple sermons and you can go at a different time? Also, you can try to avoid the boyfriend's family if they make you uncomfortable. Of course, if they're pleasant, be pleasant back, but you don't need to go out of your way to interact with them either. Have they tried to talk to you there? If so, how did that go?
And, don't worry about your boss. Every family is different. I wouldn't get my mother involved in my wedding planning but I'm also in my 30s and wouldn't agree with her ideas anyway. (I still have yet to have a ceremony, but I'd like a house with a yard to keep it low key and cost effective) Heck, you can argue I didn't get her involved with my actual wedding plan since my husband and I decided to do a courthouse and chose the restaurant for lunch after without consulting anyone.
I also chose not to go to university but if I had after community college I wouldn't have let my parents take me.
Your problems with your daughter seem very similar to my mother in law and her daughter, who had a good relationship with her until she moved out of state and started a relationship with her now husband. My sister in law is in her 30s now with kids and, for whatever reason, won't patch things up with her mom despite wanting her mom in her kid's lives. I don't really know much about it because she only wants to talk about family drama with my husband who wants no part. I've offered to help but since I'm expecting twins along with also caring for a 1 year old, she doesn't want me overly involved. I am hoping that if the rift isn't mended when my kids are older that she'll open up to me a little more. She did open up some during the time between kids but we left off at it needing to be something we discussed in person.
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I meant, when your daughter was little, did she spend time with her grandmother? I'm also curious if you spent time with your own maternal grandmother growing up.
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I'm a little surprised that she had a relationship with her grandparents and still acts like that in regards to their health. But, your story is sounding even more like my mother in law and sister in law. My MIL believes that my SIL's family might be turning her, but my SIL's family has always been pleasant and friendly with my husband and I.
If you don't mind me asking, who initiated the divorce between you and your husband?
I ask because I know one of the deepest hurt points for my SIL is the belief that my MIL didn't take good enough care of my late FIL, and now MIL has a boyfriend which just twisted the knife. Apparently there was also an incident that my SIL took as racist from my MIL (BIL is a different race - it's still a brother in law if he's married to my sister in law right? Or is he just my husband's BIL?) and if she or her husband told his family about it they might think the same about MIL which is causing some hostility.
If you don't mind me asking, who initiated the divorce between you and your husband?
I ask because I know one of the deepest hurt points for my SIL is the belief that my MIL didn't take good enough care of my late FIL, and now MIL has a boyfriend which just twisted the knife. Apparently there was also an incident that my SIL took as racist from my MIL (BIL is a different race - it's still a brother in law if he's married to my sister in law right? Or is he just my husband's BIL?) and if she or her husband told his family about it they might think the same about MIL which is causing some hostility.
Well, hindsight is 20/20. Do you have other children? And it's nice that you and your ex are on decent terms at least. What you're going through is hard but could still be worse. Not that it helps much but I'm the type to try to find the positives in things.
Whelp, she didn't like the invitations you made (or her boyfriend didn't anyway) and as you've said, nothing you make will please him and thus her. You also said last post that you were going to step out of her life. Let her figure out her own invitations. And she can pay for them herself, too. And if get boyfriend doesn't like those either she can buy more... and more... until she finally has enough and puts her foot down.
Or, if it really is just you, then she can still pay for those herself. And whatever else you were planning to contribute. Maybe it'll all be more than she expected to tackle alone.
Anyway, I think it's in everyone's best interest to let her make mistakes. Hopefully you're still around when she finally crashes and wants a relationship with her mom again, but caving to her now like you have all her life will never allow her to reach that point and learn important lessons.
Of course you can still worry for her but she needs to do the mending now, not you.
I'm sure it's especially hard since she's your only living child but you can't force a relationship and trying to seems to only make her rebel further. As I said before, if she was a good teenager, this is probably her going through the inevitable rebel phase.
Maybe don't spend asll of it though. I'd keep 1/4th in case she has a legitimate change of heart before the wedding unless you have plenty of time to save up a little again between vacation and the wedding. Beware though, as the day gets closer and she sees you aren't going to be her doormat, her boyfriend may convince her to pretend to be nice to see what they can get out of you. My sister in law and her husband did that to my mom in law. He ended up my late father in laws watch that my husband would've liked to have but because it was valuable and we were in the process of moving we didn't want to hold onto it at the time, so it ended up in my BIL's ungrateful hands.
Whelp, I say wish her a happy Thanksgiving when the day comes but in the meantime try to focus on yourself and find some peace.
Well, you did what you had to do and said what you had to say. Hopefully she comes around while you're still on earth but I do think she'll come around, you just may have to witness that from heaven.
Have fun in Florida! Enjoy your time while you have it.
Have fun in Florida! Enjoy your time while you have it.
Well, it's better for her to hear this stuff before she ties the knot than after. If she still goes through with the marriage that's on her and she'll have no one to blame but herself when she's feeling overstressed and wanting more from her partner than he's willing to give.
He sounds like my ex. I know he loved me, and I did love him for the most part as a person, but I knew he wasn't willing to carry his weight in the relationship and ended it. That said, I figured that out for myself.
As much as you want to talk to her, please don't until she reaches out to you first. The more you try to guide her the more she'll rebel until she realizes you were right all along.
He sounds like my ex. I know he loved me, and I did love him for the most part as a person, but I knew he wasn't willing to carry his weight in the relationship and ended it. That said, I figured that out for myself.
As much as you want to talk to her, please don't until she reaches out to you first. The more you try to guide her the more she'll rebel until she realizes you were right all along.
She's young and blinded by the love for her boyfriend and whatever sweet promises he's been making to her. One of these days reality will slap her in the face and she'll realize how important family is and should have been to her this whole time although it may be once it's too late to reconcile and she'll have to live with the weight of that guilt forever. I'm happy that I was able to make good with my family while they're still alive and I don't foresee anything that will cause such a major rift between us that I wouldn't talk to them.
I like talking to you too! That said, if you know some of these people have good intentions, it might be good to talk to them. They may even have good advice for navigating this. I've done my best but at the end of the day I'm just a 30 year old with a 1 year old, and a distant sister in law doing similar to mother in law (I know MIL's side extensively but less of SIL's side since she wants to talk in person), so my experience is very limited.