Need advice dealing with teenage sd...

[slog521]

Let me give everyone a little background info on my situation. Could get lengthy so I apologize in advance. My husband and I have been married for going on 6 yrs, together almost 8. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and she is almost 16, she was 8 when we got together. In the beginning, her mother had full custody and sd was with us every other weekend. After many years of constant battles with his ex over MANY issues, too many to get in to, they finally agreed on shared parenting. That being said, my sd lives with us full time because she goes to school in our school district, not her mothers and we work first shift and her mother works 2nd shift. She see's her mother maybe one weekend a month and is with us the rest of the time. Her mother is not involved in any way, shape or form. No child support, no help with school clothes, lunches. Doesn't attend extra curricular activities, etc.

The problem we are having recently is my sd thinking that when she goes to her mothers, she doesn't have to remember our rules. For example, we recently found thong underwear in her laundry. My husband and I feel that thongs and G-strings are inappropriate for a 15 yr old and have told her on several occasions that she is not allowed to wear them. I asked her who is buying them for her and she told me her mother is. This woman is not a rational human being so talking to her is out of the question. How do we deal with a situation like this? Is it stupid of us to expect sd to know our rules and follow them no matter who's house she's at? She has been told 4 different times that the underwear are inappropriate and they will be thrown away if they are found. My husband wonders if we are overreacting? Please, any advice on this would be appreciated!

 

[cybele]

My take on it is that her mother is allowed to have her own rules in her home, her house does not have to have the same rules as yours does, and if her mother wishes to buy her underwear, you have no right to stop her, it is still her daughter.

You can make the rules clear that you do not want the underpants to come into your home. You can throw them out if you find them in your laundry, but you cannot forbid her from wearing the underpants her mother buys her at her mother's house.

 

[akmom]

You said her mother wasn't helping with child support, clothes or lunches... but apparently she is, if she's supplying the undergarments!

Sorry, I couldn't resist. But seriously, I agree with Cybele. Toss them if you find them! If she wants to keep them, she'll do her own laundry (bonus?).

Seems like a lot of divorced parents fight tooth and nail for custody, then complain about having all the responsibility. What's with that?

 

[slog521]

So even though her father disagrees as well, her mother gets to do what she wants because she's her mother? What he says doesn't matter?

akmom-in the last yr her mother has bought her 2 pkgs of underwear, only because sd didn't have any at her house. That hardly compares to everything else that we buy. And i'm not complaining about having all the responsibility and we don't have full custody. They have shared parenting which is suppose to mean shared responsibilities but believe me when I tell you, it's all one sided on our end.

 

[MarkLakewood336]

The problem that you are having is not with your SD half as much as with her mother. Your SD is obviously getting conflicting messages on what is right and wrong when she stays with either parent. The best thing to do in a case like this is try to meet, discuss, and agree on some common rules with the mother and have open dialogue with her. If you feel that you cannot do this, you might want to seek family counseling. The counselor might be instrumental drawing your SD's mother into counseling. Punishing your SD for behavior her mother condones and supports will more than likely be counterproductive.

 

[cybele]

So even though her father disagrees as well, her mother gets to do what she wants because she's her mother? What he says doesn't matter?
.

You can flip that around too.

The father gets to do whatever he wants just because he's the father? What the mother says doesn't matter?

You cannot take your rules and apply them to someone else's home. Period. It's not your home. You are not the adult in charge of that home.

If it's only two packages is it worth worrying about anyway?

 

[IADad]

I wonder if this is really so much about the underwear...It seems like there is a lot of resentment and frustration about the one-sidedness of things. It would be nice (and beneficial to the kid) if the adults could sit down and recognize that they have a common goal of raising this girl and agreeing on some rules and enforcement of them. But that may mean giving up on some in the spirit of cooperation. You (your husband) can't go in with a list of all the mom has failed to do, and expect to get her to support his rules carte blanche.

Personally I think type of underwear is a weird place to draw the line. If you focus on it, it's just going to become the source of rebelion. If she wants them and they make her feel pretty, I don't see the harm. Maybe her feeling good about herself will help keep her from wanting to show or shed those undergarments for others, seeking their approval....

 

[jimrich]

Let me give everyone a little background info on my situation. Could get lengthy so I apologize in advance. My husband and I have been married for going on 6 yrs, together almost 8. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and she is almost 16, she was 8 when we got together. In the beginning, her mother had full custody and sd was with us every other weekend. After many years of constant battles with his ex over MANY issues, too many to get in to, they finally agreed on shared parenting. That being said, my sd lives with us full time because she goes to school in our school district, not her mothers and we work first shift and her mother works 2nd shift. She see's her mother maybe one weekend a month and is with us the rest of the time. Her mother is not involved in any way, shape or form. No child support, no help with school clothes, lunches. Doesn't attend extra curricular activities, etc.

The problem we are having recently is my sd thinking that when she goes to her mothers, she doesn't have to remember our rules. For example, we recently found thong underwear in her laundry. My husband and I feel that thongs and G-strings are inappropriate for a 15 yr old and have told her on several occasions that she is not allowed to wear them. I asked her who is buying them for her and she told me her mother is. This woman is not a rational human being so talking to her is out of the question. How do we deal with a situation like this?

When she is under her mother's care, she follows her mother's rules and when she is under your care, she follows your rules! Tell her to leave the unacceptable garments at her mother's home and NOT bring it into your home!

re: Is it stupid of us to expect sd to know our rules and follow them no matter who's house she's at?
jim: YES!

re: She has been told 4 different times that the underwear are inappropriate and they will be thrown away if they are found.
jim: That's the way to do it!

re: My husband wonders if we are overreacting?
jim: Ask your daughter!

Please, any advice on this would be appreciated!

Place the responsibility where it belongs! Her mom's rules apply at her mom's house and your rules apply at your house. I feel sorry for your kid!