Hello I am 28 years old my wife is 30 years old. I am new to this but I really need some advice. My wife and I been together for almost 10 years, been married for about 8 years. We have a beautiful relationship and family. We are a interracial couple, me being spanish and her being black. She has two beautiful little girls from a previous relationship and we have two hansom boys together. The two oldest girls are 12 and 11. I've been in their lives since they were 3 and 2. The father has had no contact with them since they separated. The boys are 7 and 16 months. I've done everything for my kids. I met my wife in the Marine Corps and I left the service to be around my family more. It seems as if the girls don't have the same love for me as I do them. For example, I have to beg them for hugs, kisses, and even beg to watch a movie together. They ask their mother for things in private. My 7 year old hugs and kisses me all the time. But what gets me really upset is when my wife's family comes over to visit the girls hug them and talk to them, I just can't understand it. What do I do? I feel as though I've tried everything my wife is a stay home mom and I work 10 hours days. I try to get my kids everything. For their birthdays I got them all Ipod touches and I didn't even get a thank you. Only from my 7 year old who said thank you and I love you dad. Their grandmother brought them cupcakes from the supermarket and they hugged and kisses her and said thank you....? I know that material things aren't everything. I tell them they are beautiful all the time I talk to them about life lessons but still I am pushed away. What do I do?? The other day I got so upset because I was playin the interupting cow game at the dinner table and the girls got so upset one cried and the other told my wife to come get her husband. I got so upset I just wanted to pack my things up and leave and I told my wife I was leaving. Which was just out of anger but I don't want to leave my family, but I can't stay in a home where I am not loved by my children. What do I do?
need advice...
- Thread starter johnJohn
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It sounds like you have a sincere interest in being a "good dad" So welcome I hope we can help.
I will probably move your thread when I figure out if it is better to place it the the "Step" or "teen" category. Your post is fine and I understand you have to post in the intro. So your all good. It just may elicit better responses for you in the correct category.
If I am understanding correctly you actually have three issues that are combining to make one.
Being a non bio parent to the girls. One who has been there throughout and done his best. You feel that the Bio vs non_bio should not be an issue. But you suspect it is at the core of the issue.
You don't feel the relationship is reciprocal. You feel that you are putting much more effort into loving them than they are you.
And last: but not least. You are dealing with the hormonal time bomb known as "Pre- Teenage Girls".
So to start with. I my assumptions correct? If I am wrong please say so. If I am right I think the solution would be more addressing each separate issue on it own merit rather than looking for a single correction.
The next question I will ask before someone inevitably will. What is you wife's opinion on all of this?
I will probably move your thread when I figure out if it is better to place it the the "Step" or "teen" category. Your post is fine and I understand you have to post in the intro. So your all good. It just may elicit better responses for you in the correct category.
If I am understanding correctly you actually have three issues that are combining to make one.
Being a non bio parent to the girls. One who has been there throughout and done his best. You feel that the Bio vs non_bio should not be an issue. But you suspect it is at the core of the issue.
You don't feel the relationship is reciprocal. You feel that you are putting much more effort into loving them than they are you.
And last: but not least. You are dealing with the hormonal time bomb known as "Pre- Teenage Girls".
So to start with. I my assumptions correct? If I am wrong please say so. If I am right I think the solution would be more addressing each separate issue on it own merit rather than looking for a single correction.
The next question I will ask before someone inevitably will. What is you wife's opinion on all of this?
I think you hit it on the head bssage.
I think you are looking for validation from these girls, and not getting what you want out of it, or at least not getting what you feel you should.
Should they at least be saying thank-you? Of course they should, not because you need to hear the words, but because it is the polite thing to do. However, it is not their responsibility to validate your feelings.
Beyond that...how does your wife feel? what does she say? That would help give a little bit more, answer wise.
I think you are looking for validation from these girls, and not getting what you want out of it, or at least not getting what you feel you should.
Should they at least be saying thank-you? Of course they should, not because you need to hear the words, but because it is the polite thing to do. However, it is not their responsibility to validate your feelings.
Beyond that...how does your wife feel? what does she say? That would help give a little bit more, answer wise.
A few things I have noticed may I say firstly that I agree with Bssage and M2M. These issues need dealing with seperatly. I also agree with M2M that they should say thank-you etc not for you're feelings but out of respect. May I also add the following:
1) Not being a Bio parent does make it harder for a child to connect. Not that its impossible because I have seen it happen but just harder. I was adopted when I was younger and knowing that my parents that I lived with wern't my birth parents made it harder to connect, because i didn't know why parents would leave you with other people, maybe your step daughters feel a bit like that. Maybe you should just let them know that you love them in more than just a material way. But at the same time rather than begging and forcing your love onto them let them do it in their own time, it worked with me for my parents (I just rang my mum to ask how she dealt with me when I pushed away as much as possible as a kid)
2) This often happens with kids around this period (the puberty period). Trust me you're not alone kids want to push away and try and be independent. As my eldest two grew up yeah they wanted their own space and me and Charlotte respected that. By doing so they saw that spending time with and being close to their family wasn't something they needed to do but something they did because they wanted too.
3) Finally like M2M and Bssage I would be asking you're wife what she thinks. If you got that mad it is obvious she isn't stepping up to the mark and asking her daughters to show so courtesy or respect. Maybe see why that is and start talking about it. Rather than getting angry, try a way me and Charlotte use for our arguments of shouting for five minutes to get our sides heard then 20 minutes apart to think then sit and talk through without any shouting if either of us get mad we have to take a 'time-out'. It works wonders for us when we have fall outs. Also remember that you two went in to you're relationship together so deal with this together because it effects the both of you whatever way you look at it. Working together makes it much easier.
Hope this helps Johnjohn
1) Not being a Bio parent does make it harder for a child to connect. Not that its impossible because I have seen it happen but just harder. I was adopted when I was younger and knowing that my parents that I lived with wern't my birth parents made it harder to connect, because i didn't know why parents would leave you with other people, maybe your step daughters feel a bit like that. Maybe you should just let them know that you love them in more than just a material way. But at the same time rather than begging and forcing your love onto them let them do it in their own time, it worked with me for my parents (I just rang my mum to ask how she dealt with me when I pushed away as much as possible as a kid)
2) This often happens with kids around this period (the puberty period). Trust me you're not alone kids want to push away and try and be independent. As my eldest two grew up yeah they wanted their own space and me and Charlotte respected that. By doing so they saw that spending time with and being close to their family wasn't something they needed to do but something they did because they wanted too.
3) Finally like M2M and Bssage I would be asking you're wife what she thinks. If you got that mad it is obvious she isn't stepping up to the mark and asking her daughters to show so courtesy or respect. Maybe see why that is and start talking about it. Rather than getting angry, try a way me and Charlotte use for our arguments of shouting for five minutes to get our sides heard then 20 minutes apart to think then sit and talk through without any shouting if either of us get mad we have to take a 'time-out'. It works wonders for us when we have fall outs. Also remember that you two went in to you're relationship together so deal with this together because it effects the both of you whatever way you look at it. Working together makes it much easier.
Hope this helps Johnjohn
Talk to your wife and let her say something to her 2 daughters who are you to them or explain something. For now the 2 girls will only believe on their mother. They aren't opening to you for some reasons.
Don't lose your patience for being a good Dad to the 2 girls. They will realize soon enough.
Don't lose your patience for being a good Dad to the 2 girls. They will realize soon enough.
Maybe they are annoyed by your attempts to connect with them. Maybe you're too clingy or even smothering. They're pre-teens. They don't crave the affection that young children do. They crave someone who is dependable and available to them when <I>they</I> need it. Maybe you should just let them be, without trying to buy their affection with gifts, or overwhelm them at dinner with table games. Don't be cold or retaliative either (that's passive-aggressive). Just respect that they're growing up and want their space.
You have been in their lives for quite some time, is this a new thing or has it been a problem right from the beginning?
If it's been a problem from the beginning, then I think your wife would have to get involved and try to find out from them why they are so resilient to you.
If it is a relatively new thing, welcome to the world of teenage girl hormones. Sorry, but it gets worse.
If it's been a problem from the beginning, then I think your wife would have to get involved and try to find out from them why they are so resilient to you.
If it is a relatively new thing, welcome to the world of teenage girl hormones. Sorry, but it gets worse.
By the way, on the topic of "thank you's" I agree with M2M, they should be saying it just because it is polite. But sometimes we take our parents for granted and aren't always as polite to them as we are to other people, such as Grandparents.
I have two step-children and they were smaller 3 and 4 and are now 14 and soon to be 15. At first we had the whole not talking to me thing asking dad for stuff and not asking me when needed even if I was closer and doing nothing. My husband and I had to sit down and talk wit them. He explain that no I wasn't their mom but it hurt my feelings if they treated me badly and that they could ask me stuff and for stuff. It took awhile but they grew to see that we were united on that front and if I was closer he would ask them did u ask your Step-mom yet she's closer and get get it quicker. They finally saw that it was okay and not hurting their mom so to speak to be nice to me. Now its just Mom I need this Mom I need that. We have come a long way in 10 years and yes as my step-daughter got to the preteen and the teenage years we went through another ruff spot but guess what? We were united front again and stuck to the age old rule and it worked. Your wife and you have to have this talk together so that the children can see your united on this. She can't keep just letting them ignore you or not say please or thank you. She needs to remember where you might not be their father you have taken on that role and support them the way he should have. So in retrospect they should show you the respect that they would be expected to give to him or her for that fact. Keep your chin up and have a heart to heart with your wife and do it soon yesterday was already a day to late.
It might be kind of hard to figure it out, but honestly, I have 13-year-old twins that are no my biological children. Were the girls affectionate and close when they were younger? My new teenagers don't really get overly affectionate with me or my wife, and haven't for a few years. Usually I'll get a hug from my daughter from time to time, or if she is upset, and my son doesn't particularly like affection. My daughter is much more likely to talk to my wife about things or ask her about things because she is a woman and my daughter feels more comfortable in these early years of womanhood talking to her about pretty much everything. She does talk to me and we have good discussions, but she appreciates the common things she has with my wife. I am open to talk to her and let her know I'm there, and I can't say that I have never felt a little sad when she has preferred my wife. 
But I can understand how she feels.
As for being affectionate with your relatives, my daughter is the same way. Ya-ya gets lots of hugs but she doesn't see him everyday and so gets quite excited when we spend time with him.
She also will cry over silly things, but many pre-teens and young teens will because their hormones are RAGING. A lot of what you're describing sounds like typical pre-teen stuff, and it can get tough.
I would discuss your concerns with your wife and hear her perspective. I would also not try to force affection, and let them come to you
Its hard, I am dealing with a lot of the same things. Just try not to let it get to you too much.
But I can understand how she feels.As for being affectionate with your relatives, my daughter is the same way. Ya-ya gets lots of hugs but she doesn't see him everyday and so gets quite excited when we spend time with him.
She also will cry over silly things, but many pre-teens and young teens will because their hormones are RAGING. A lot of what you're describing sounds like typical pre-teen stuff, and it can get tough.
I would discuss your concerns with your wife and hear her perspective. I would also not try to force affection, and let them come to you
Its hard, I am dealing with a lot of the same things. Just try not to let it get to you too much.