new to this sort of thing...

elof-valantor

Junior Member
Dec 26, 2013
6
0
0
34
hi Everyone....

when i say im new to this i mean more that im new to posting about this sort of thing

ive been basicly step father for 3 years, i say basicly, because my partner and i are not and are not planning to marry, but we have been living together for 3 years now....
she has two kids one daughter who is 16 and a son who is 15.
we have them 50%

after a rather messy divorce we bough out the family home they had grown up in and have moved ourselves in there....

obviously with any divorce things get busy, but i just tried to keep back from it and try an let them settle themselves down.....

im trying to work out if things are going along well or even normally, i guess that is why i am writting this, maybe there are are people out there in my situation who can aggree and or make sense of it

3 years later things are still not amicable with the EX, my name is not be mentioned around him or else he goes spaco.

so i do my best to keep quiet when anything comes up and try not to say anything as it wouldnt be right to judge him.....

i am appently the Fwit and useless, im sure lots of people know the type of thing im talking about

i think finally during the last years ive developed a better relationship with the daughter, as im doing alot of teaching her to drive now taking her to work as its on my way, we talk and all that usual stuff

it seems ive never really gotten along with the son, there are times it seems i do, but then all of a sudden the next day he is in his room and doesnt come out till other people are home...
im thinking this is an influence from his father as he seems to have picked up alot of traits from him including a temper...nothing bad, but just sulky type thing if he doesnt get things his own way

he will always go into his room to call his father and is terrified that we could be out somewhere when he rings.....its gotten to a stage that is rediculus and we have finnaly stopped tip toeing around it and are forcing the issue that we wont plan around phone calls just to make thier father feel better

when we are all out together everything is great we all get along and can have fun, and i even got a hug off both of them for christmas presents i had arranged....

i dont even know if all of this makes sense to anyone else but me, i just dont know if im doing everything right or not


appoliges for spelling and grammar....ipads are not convinient to type something like this on
 

jimrich

PF Regular
Sep 13, 2014
52
0
0
84
elof-valantor said:
hi Everyone....

when i say im new to this i mean more that im new to posting about this sort of thing

ive been basicly step father for 3 years, i say basicly, because my partner and i are not and are not planning to marry, but we have been living together for 3 years now....
Until you are actually MARRIED TO THEIR MOTHER, I don't see how the kids are ever going to accept you as a family member or step father.
 

Hopie

Junior Member
Oct 7, 2014
2
0
0
47
ok, just to comment on the married or not piece...thinking that has nothing to do with it. If they see that you are commited to their mom...then they know you are around for the long haul. Plus, it sounds like a wise idea to not get married as she is going through an ugly divorce and seems like it would complicate things more. If you are "partner" then the kids respond to that. I am currenly in a 3 year gay relationship and have 3 step kids. Before last year...marriage was never an option for us....and would it have make anything easier for the kids? NO! So...we do not plan to marry also as my partner does not believe in the instuition of marrage.
Ok...that was my marriage rant. :) Your situation sounds similar to my own. My step kids are 14 year old twins (boy and girl) who are bio to my partner and then there is a 11 year old girl that is bio to her ex. They used a doner so no dad...but they do have male roles close in their lives.
Their seperation was and still is ugly. Like you, I try to stay out of it as much as possible. I see the struggle the kids have....going back and forth between homes, new partners of both sides, and a lot of WW3 between their moms.
Here's the thing...I am a therapist and have worked with a lot of families...this is what I have learned and it is also my daily personal challenge. The kids are too old for you (or me) to replace the other parent. So the term "step parent" seems like a stretch some days. ;) But, you are an adult in their day to day life and someone that cares for their mom...so regardless if they show it or not...they are beginning to care for you and learning how to grow up around learning from another role model. You don't need to replace their dad (and you can even tell the son that). But/And...you are someone in their lives that cares about them and cares about their mom.
They may not understand that completley now...but they will later in life and its up to you as the adult to remember that they are paying attention to who you are and how you nagivate in the world.
So, in my situation...I get along great with the twins (with the exception of normal ups and downs) but the 11 year old has pushed me to my personal limit. In part...she reminds me of myself when I was a kid and somedays its cute...and others....I want to crawl out of my skin. :) But the other piece is that I think she is still working through the seperation and is resentful of my presense no matter what. Its tricky because she is a very difficult child in general and does need boundaries. To parent or not to parent? :)
The approach that has worked the best is to acknowledge that I am not trying to "replace" anyone...but I still have feelings, different ways of being in the world and a genuine desire to "connect" with them.
I have fallen into the role of "dinner maker/keeping up the house". So, I may not have too much input when it comes to rules or displine, but boy do they know when I am upset about trashing the house out while we were gone or stepping up to do the dishes...etc. Its a mutual respect thing...and it seems to work as a way for them to begin to trust me and know I care.
Also...sounds like dad is trash talking you. Any way you and your partner can be aware of that or that she can talk to her son or EX about it the better. Because....really....it just hurts the kids and sounds like the EX needs to more on and trust that his kids will always be his kids. :)
 

Groggy1

Junior Member
Nov 5, 2014
38
0
0
57
I'd stop tip-toeing, if the ex is going to pop, not your issue. Not your monkeys not your circus.