I am no expert, but I assume that humans lie a lot mostly when they want to avoid consequences. With my daughter I try to avoid situations when she might feel need to lie. For example, she is not a big fan of doing homework, but she really does not have a choice, because she is sitting next to me when I do my stuff and she does her math or french.
Not telling the truth...
- Thread starter queenme
- Start date
I don't know how I should feel about bringing religion into this? As a child I never lied to my parents as I always was told that even if no one can see me, GOD can. And he is not going to be happy about it. as the result of such attitude, to this date, I do my best not to do anything wrong and so proud of it. ex: if I go to store and they forget to charge me for an item by mistake, I make the trip back to store to pay what I was supposed to pay as the money left in my pocket is not rightfully mine. Wondering how everyone else think about this?
With religion you have to be sensible. My grandmother used to say - you are so going to hell if you don't go to bed on time, or - God is going to punish you if you don't eat your soup. This is so wrong. and from point of faith - that's blasphemy.
I believe in what we do, is going to be judge by God. Honestly, I don't want her to be afraid of God and think as him as a spy or a source of punishment, but I don't know how I should approach it. I have told her both sides...( God will see what you do, and if you want to go to heaven, you need to be an honest and kind person.) I never even talk about hell.
Does she respond to it though? If it is something you have used in the past I think it would be safe to say that it isn't working with her the way it did with you. Everyone's different and everyone responds differently to things. My parents did the "God is watching" stuff to, and honestly it never deterred me from doing anything I shouldn't, because I wasn't one of the kids who responded to that, I do know other kids from my neighbourhood growing up though, for who it did work with.
I don't use it with my kids because in our religion no one is watching or judging, so it just wouldn't make sense, however one thing that I think transcends the religious aspect of it is the purpose behind the choices, as I said before, do you want your daughter to do certain things out of fear of punishment (in this case, not getting into heaven, judgement from God, and so on) or because she thinks about it and comes to her own conclusion that it is not the correct thing to do/say?
I don't use it with my kids because in our religion no one is watching or judging, so it just wouldn't make sense, however one thing that I think transcends the religious aspect of it is the purpose behind the choices, as I said before, do you want your daughter to do certain things out of fear of punishment (in this case, not getting into heaven, judgement from God, and so on) or because she thinks about it and comes to her own conclusion that it is not the correct thing to do/say?
This is exactly what I have problem with. Can't make a decision of which way I like her to be raised. As I raised one way ( God is watching ) and trying to raise a child in a new way ( no one is watching )- kind of strange for me.cybele said:
I don't see any of them working. As for God is watching stuff...I can see her think about it but it hasn't gone beyond that.
imho I think the two can easily be combined. And IMHO it would be a safer course.
By combining I mean. God sees our reflection of what we believe is right and wrong. Taking an apple from a tree is not stealing. But when you have been told not to take an apple from a tree it is. So in this example you could have two children taking an apple from the same tree. One is stealing the other is not.
Can something be a sin before you know it is a sin? And by knowing I dont specifically mean told: I mean know.
I guess what I am saying "fear of god" should not exclude you from relying on internal motivation.
By combining I mean. God sees our reflection of what we believe is right and wrong. Taking an apple from a tree is not stealing. But when you have been told not to take an apple from a tree it is. So in this example you could have two children taking an apple from the same tree. One is stealing the other is not.
Can something be a sin before you know it is a sin? And by knowing I dont specifically mean told: I mean know.
I guess what I am saying "fear of god" should not exclude you from relying on internal motivation.
Lots of good advice. Want to add that with my teenage foster children, the consequence for cover up lying - the most common - was the loss of trust. This gave me the right to decide when a child was telling the truth. The biggest lesson seemed to come when I wouldn't believe them when they were actually telling the truth.
The next step was a contract to re-earn my trust. Basically, admitting wrong doing and not being caught in a lie for a month. Until then, I chose what to believe and what not to believe.
I think it also helped that I made of fetish of never saying I liked something I didn't like. Once the kids realized that they would seek me out for my thoughts on what they were wearing, how they did their hair. I became a trusted adviser.
A few were compulsive liars, and as such needed professional treatment. Good luck all.
The next step was a contract to re-earn my trust. Basically, admitting wrong doing and not being caught in a lie for a month. Until then, I chose what to believe and what not to believe.
I think it also helped that I made of fetish of never saying I liked something I didn't like. Once the kids realized that they would seek me out for my thoughts on what they were wearing, how they did their hair. I became a trusted adviser.
A few were compulsive liars, and as such needed professional treatment. Good luck all.
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I honestly think that setting her up is the wrong thing to do. I have run into this with Kayla as well and I no longer ask her questions that I already know the answer to (or at least try not to). When I ask her something, I expect her to tell me the truth, but she's a child and even if she doesnt think she's lying, she doesnt always tell the entire truth. I dont ask things like "did you brush your teeth". Instead I will say "If you haven't brushed your teeth yet, I'd like you to do it now please". Nonconfrontational but she understands what I want. Its when it becomes confrontational that the battle errupts. I have not had a problem with her not "obeying" when I've approached it like that. I used to ask everything and it was really difficult for her to "admit" something that she perceived as not what I wanted. So, if I asked her "did you brush your teeth?", she would think the "right" answer was yes, and it was hard for her to say "no". Granted, we've had conversations about lying and if she thinks she's in trouble, she will try to lie every time, but a little "poking" on the big stuff and its usually pretty obvious that I'm not getting the entire story.
I guess I can understand though when you say you try and live your life with the thought that "God is watching". I sometimes am that way too, thinking "if my Grandpa is watching me right now, what would he think?". My Grandpa passed away several years ago and always seemed to do the right thing. I dont know if there is a right or wrong answer on that one, but kids do find themselves in the middle of mistruths, and if you want her to be honest, I think you need to stop setting her up to lie. You're basically telling her that you dont trust her by doing that and it can quickly become a battle. I have enough battles so honestly that is a skill I have found particularly useful is to not ask what I already know. Amy
I guess I can understand though when you say you try and live your life with the thought that "God is watching". I sometimes am that way too, thinking "if my Grandpa is watching me right now, what would he think?". My Grandpa passed away several years ago and always seemed to do the right thing. I dont know if there is a right or wrong answer on that one, but kids do find themselves in the middle of mistruths, and if you want her to be honest, I think you need to stop setting her up to lie. You're basically telling her that you dont trust her by doing that and it can quickly become a battle. I have enough battles so honestly that is a skill I have found particularly useful is to not ask what I already know. Amy
I used all of the good advices here, I think the one who most worked out is "not to set her up to lie". I think you were right, a big part of it was my system. Although I can't say if that was helpful by itself or the fact that we started to take away every extra (fun) privileges she has( no exception ). And we do this for every single time we realize the pattern started again ( not for every single action ).
The result is wonderful, she prefer to get in trouble for not brushing rather than not telling the truth or hiding.
So far so good, but I am holding a very tight leash. Don't know if I let go, what would be the way she acts. Hopefully by then, the good habits became her second nature or at least more likely to happen.
The result is wonderful, she prefer to get in trouble for not brushing rather than not telling the truth or hiding.
So far so good, but I am holding a very tight leash. Don't know if I let go, what would be the way she acts. Hopefully by then, the good habits became her second nature or at least more likely to happen.