Opinion with serious situation...

[RMZ88]

About a month ago, my wife and kids paid a visit to my parent's house, so that my daughters can play with my nieces. During the visit, my niece whispered to my daughter "Let's go to the other room and put our tongues together". My wife, fortunately, heard this and asked my daughter what was said just to be sure. My wife handled the situation by explaining that it was wrong. I wasn't there when this occurred and neither was my sister, because we were both at work. My wife told me that what bothered her the most was that my niece said this in a way as if she had done it before. They are 4 years old.

There has been more than one incident that drew concerns, but my wife and I had let them go. Now, it seems that this behavior is getting worse. I tried discussing this, because I want to protect my daughter's and my niece's innocence, but my parent's act like this isn't much if a concern. That they talked to her, and she won't do it again. This led to a heated argument. I haven't discussed this with my sister.
As of now, we don't the source of where she is learning this behavior from. It could be her school, her father's house, or my parent's house.
So because of all this, I told my parents that my daughters can't be there without our supervision, which they say that we are going to far with this.

Are we, or are we doing the right thing?


There is more detail, but I'm just giving the gist.

 

[cybele]

That's pretty normal for that age, they see adults doing something and don't quite understand it (or, rather, think they do understand it and just get it a little weird) and they copy.

It's like how 4yr olds copy your behaviours and incorporate them into play. They play cooking, they play families, they play teachers, they play building things, they play cleaning. All adult behaviours that they are exploring through play.

There are, however, some adult behaviours that you don't want them to give a shot, kissing is probably one of those. It sounds fairly innocent to me, "putting tongues together" is pretty much how you would describe the act of kissing if you didn't have much of a scope of what was going on, but witnessed it.

To m, very normal, nothing to raise an eyebrow at and certainly nothing to get worried about. You just explain that it's a grown up activity, this is why grown ups do it, and that is something you can try when you are much older, but not now.

 

[RMZ88]

Does anyone feel that it is inappropriate for a 4 yr old to be seeing these behaviors? Tongue kissing isn't exactly the same as smooching your wife in front of your kids...

In my opinion kids will be kids but it is the job of the parents to protect their kids from harm or inappropriate sexual behavior. tongue kissing is not a regular 'i love you' type kiss. it is more sexual and completely inappropriate for children to see.

I guess I was just hoping to find some support on here but it seems like parents these days are a lot more carefree with what their children do and see.

When I was a child my father had pornography in the house and I accidentally stumbled upon under their bed when I was only 5 years old. This has affected me for my whole life and brought shame. I am very protective of my children and am aware that children (especially females) are being sexualized at a younger age. I don't feel like I should have to release my morals and boundaries just because the people around me have none.

 

[akmom]

The tongue example isn't that unusual for 4-year-olds. I overheard my own kids say, "What if we licked tongues? Wouldn't that be gross?" And of course I told them yes, it was gross, and sharing germs can make you sick.

If they were mimicking something they saw adults do, then I would bet they saw it on television. Most people do watch TV in front of their kids without much thought about the content, and honestly, so much of it is littered with this suggestive material that we as adults probably just filter out and don't notice. Because we are so used to it.

I personally don't have TV and don't even watch movies until the kids go to bed, unless it's a kid movie I'm watching with them or have prescreened. I don't even like what the Disney channel has for kids/teens. And if you're also the kind of family that doesn't expose your children to these things, then no, you probably don't want your kids to have unsupervised play with those who are. Because kids talk about and reenact what they see, and if their inspiration comes from age-inappropriate media, then you know what you can expect those conversations/play to be like.

 

[singledad]

My wife handled the situation by explaining that it was wrong.

I don't think this is the right way to handle it. Teaching a child that any sexual contact is "wrong", will only result in
- A child being too ashamed / afraid to disclose any real grooming/molestation (children can't tell when they are being manipulated. They don't always understand the difference between submitting because it seems like the only option, and participating)
- A child blame herself for grooming / molestation (it's "wrong", remember?)
- A child growing up to not be comfortable with sexual contact when it does eventually become appropriate (it's'"wrong", remember?)

But anyway. It's done now. I would, however, try to do some damage control by handling similar situation differently in future.

Are we, or are we doing the right thing?


There is more detail, but I'm just giving the gist.

Without having all the detail, I really can't say if you are doing the right thing, or overreacting... If it's just kissing, it's probably just something she saw on TV or at a friend's house. If there is more to it, then I'd go with your decision (supervision) as well as trying to figure out what is happening with the other girl, and if something needs to be done...

I don't feel like I should have to release my morals and boundaries just because the people around me have none.

That was unnecessary. Just because people who don't have all the information don't necessarily freak out about girl who consider putting their tongues together, does not mean they don't have any morals.

 

[artmom]

Sounds like your niece was trying to say "Let's put our thoughts together." Next time you hear her say something that may be off, try asking her what she means by that.

 

[Dan_Bukowski]

I think concern that you should have is that your parents are not taking the action seriously and that would personally bother me. I know this is a pretty awkward scenario for all and maybe they do not feel comfortable with the topic but they need to be on board with being on the lookout with your nieces curiosity and the protector of your kids when you guys are not around to do so. Your concerns are valid with everything.

 

[jtmeserole]

RMZ, it seems you have a difficult situation on your hands! You said there were other incidences that you were not going to share the details about. You are the father and are privy to a father's intuition. If something feels wrong to you, then you need to follow your instincts. Unfortunately, there are varying levels of morality in the world today, even within families. You are tasked with raising your children according to your own values, regardless of the values of others. That is your right and responsibility.

You expressed shame associated with sexual issues due to the pornography you saw as a child. This is a powerful motivator in protecting your children. I would be cautious, however and double check that the situations you are in are truly violating your values, and not crossing lines in your mind where the shame of your early experiences have been drawn. I had similar challenges with these types of issues due to my childhood experiences and it was/is rough. I want my children to be innocent, something that was taken away from me against my will. I will do whatever it takes to make it so. I do, however, need to make sure not to place bad intentions where there aren't any. It is very hard, trust me.

So, having said all that, I would recommend that you sit with your wife and reevaluate the things that have happened and decide, together, what they mean. If they are worrisome to both of you, then follow your gut. You can express love and understanding to your family while pleading for it from them. In the end, however, you are the father. You will have to live with the results of this situation. If you choose to ignore your and your wife's feelings in this matter, and something happens to rob your child of their innocence, you will carry the heavy burden. This is worse than having family members upset at you for 'overreacting' in my book.