Out of Control 21 Year Old...

[VTC102]

For the past year, our 21 year old daughter has been out of control. She doesn't listen to me or my husband anymore. She is constantly being combative about every issue. We gave her a curfew at midnight but she is trying to extend it to 1:30AM. Who stays out until 1:30 in the morning? That's ridiculous! She should be grateful that she can stay out until 12 already!

She also has a boyfriend of three years who we don't like and think is a negative influence on her. Ever since they got 'engaged' (HA! they're too young to do that) since a year ago, she doesn't listen to us anymore. She was such a obedient girl and was so sweet. Now she has an opinion about everything and is always questioning things. A few months ago, she even had the guts to tell us that she wanted to move out with her boyfriend, who already has his own place. We had to threaten to disown her if she moved out to keep her at home. Since we stopped the moving out, she wants to do sleepovers. :shocked:Who does that?! It's outrageous! I even asked her if they have sex and she had the guts to say 'yes.' That was such a slap in the face and brought so much dishonor on our family.

She's not even done with her college degree at her university. She still two more years. She told us that she's going to move out once she's own with her BA. How do we stop her from moving out? How do I regain my control on this wild girl? Any help will be appreciated.

 

[Father_0f_7]

All I have to say is she is 21...loosen the ropes

 

[fallon]

hmmmm....she's an adult. I was married with a child when I was 21

 

[bssage]

Hmmmmmm

She was such a obedient girl and was so sweet. Now she has an opinion about everything and is always questioning things.

I hope my kids dont have opinions and question stuff.

Hmmmmmm

We had to threaten to disown her if she moved out

This would mean that you no longer own her???

Hmmmmm

I even asked her if they have sex and she had the guts to say 'yes.'

I prefer a good lie

Hmmmm

going to move out once she's own with her BA. How do we stop her from moving out?

Watch the movie misory (wooden block and a maul)

I dont think this is a real post. If it is she should disown you.

 

[zeitgeist]

I'm sorry. I don't want to be negative, but there's just about nothing in the initial post that I can agree with... or even respect.

"She is constantly being combative about every issue." In three paragraphs you've shown nothing but contempt and disrespect for this woman - woman! - who has grown up and become an adult while you weren't looking.

A 21 year old who is unhappy with having a curfew is a "wild girl?" No, that's an adult with reasonable expectations. The fact that she hasn't come right out and told you what to do with your curfew at 21 years old is frankly astonishing.

There's nothing even remotely wild about the behavior you've described. She's working towards her degree. She's found a man who she loves, who loves her back and they want to get married. She intends to make a home with this man once she's finished her degree. That's not being a "wild girl," that's what this society considers "normal." Heck, that's outright traditional. Most parents would dream of having such a grounded, down-to-earth child.

As far as the sex goes... it is the choice of any adult. It's not dishonoring your family, it's her option. And for heaven's sake! It's the man she's planning to marry!

"She was such a obedient girl and was so sweet. Now she has an opinion about everything and is always questioning things." Yes, adults do tend to develop their own opinions. Strangely enough, they don't always coincide with what their parents have to say.

"We had to threaten to disown her if she moved out..." What a loving, caring, understanding thing to do! I can only imagine she didn't walk out the door without a backwards glance because she actually cares for you despite how you've clearly constrained her for her entire life.

Ma'am, if you don't figure out that this is not a little girl anymore and begin to treat her with the respect you would treat any other adult, you're going to lose your daughter.

Issuing ultimatums and threats of disowning for the crime of being a normal adult? You are already on the path to losing her forever. You wouldn't be feeling the need to make the ultimatums or threats if you didn't feel it happening already. I'm here to tell you that it's exactly the wrong strategy. Keep it up, and as much as it pains her to leave you behind you <I>will</I> drive her away.

That's not an opinion, it's the TRUTH.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I would also like to add to my original post that I hope this is not a real post because that would mean there is a parent out there that is treating a 21 year old like I would hold on to my 14 year old.

I also would like to add that I was married with 2 kids and another on the way when I was 21.

 

[Trina]

Is this for real?!

 

[zeitgeist]

All the folks who doubt it's real: I once dated a girl whose family was comprised largely of the first generation in the US. I see nothing in the OP that is either impossible or implausible.

Unhealthy, unhappy, and tremendously selfish? Yes. Implausible, no.

That's why I choose to treat it as a real post, and I hope to God that the VTC102 can find it in herself to change before she loses her daughter forever.

There is no doubt in my mind what continuing to rigidly pressure her daughter as she has done in the past will lead to. The fracturing of ANY family is a cause for grief.

 

[Xero]

You guys are feeding a troll.

Can't you tell it's complete and utter bs? I mean holy crap, read that again.

Reported.