Over-reacting OH....

Aimee McIntyre

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I am getting very worried about my Husbands over reactions this last while.

Kate wanted to go outside to play after Dinner today so he agreed but told her to put on, and zip up, her coat but she didn't want a coat so he smacked her and put her on naughty step for a few minutes.

He then got annoyed at her when she came over to me crying after the smack, it was a really hard hit he gave poor child.

She did put her coat on and got it zipped by him so she got outside but a lot later than when she asked.

Later on, at about half 9, she asked him if she could stay up another hour, he said no so she took a tantrum so like earlier, he gave her a hard smack, this time on the ear. She came over to me screaming, asking me to give her a big hug and to take her to bed, which I did, it took her about 10mins to calm down though, poor bairn :-(. When I went downstairs, I laid into him about smacking her to hard and told him to never hit her again as it may hurt her and also damage their relationship, I told him to use another form of punishment.

I don't agree with smacking children btw, anyone on here agree and if so, what other form of punishment do you use, I favour a firm telling off?
 
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singledad

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I'm not a spanker, but I don't believe that spanking in inherently harmfull.

However, smacking a child on the ear is not what I see as spanking, and IMO smacking any person on the ear, ever, for any reason, is wrong. You can damage the eardrum, leaving her with permanent hearing loss. Punishment that can leave permanent damage is moving towards abuse.

Not ok. Not ever.

If he has to smack, do it on her bottom. And not daily. Not even weekly.

If he is going to smack her several times a day for something as stupid as a coat, he isn't teaching anymore, just dominating. He will only create fear, which in time will turn into rebellion and defiance. That's what any punishment, if applied too often, does. But then again, I don't think that physical punishment is ever really affective in the long run.

Seriously, if someone smacked my child on the ear, we would have a serious problem. :mad:

Edited to add - There something about a slap in the face the screams contempt. It just says "you're nothing. You don't deserve respect..."
 
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Aimee McIntyre

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singledad said:
I'm not a spanker, but I don't believe that spanking in inherently harmfull.

However, smacking a child on the ear is not what I see as spanking, and IMO smacking any person on the ear, ever, for any reason, is wrong. You can damage the eardrum, leaving her with permanent hearing loss. Punishment that can leave permanent damage is moving towards abuse.

Not ok. Not ever.

If he has to smack, do it on her bottom. And not daily. Not even weekly.

If he is going to smack her several times a day for something as stupid as a coat, he isn't teaching anymore, just dominating. He will only create fear, which in time will turn into rebellion and defiance. That's what any punishment, if applied too often, does. But then again, I don't think that physical punishment is ever really affective in the long run.

Seriously, if someone smacked my child on the ear, we would have a serious problem. :mad:

Edited to add - There something about a slap in the face the screams contempt. It just says "you're nothing. You don't deserve respect..."
That was 1st time that he has smacked her on ear, he usually smacks her hard on bottom. He has said that he will let me deal with punishment, I usually just firmly tell her off, I have tried a naughty corner but can't keep her on it :-(. He is himself worried that she will damage their relationship if he carries on hurting her.

The coat not being zipped is the one he punishes her most for but as I have said, she will zip if she is cold/wet but he doesn't agree because he has a rule that when a coat is on, it has to be zipped up, he usually zips it himself and then punishes her for moaning at him for it getting zipped he just says "tough" when she says that she "hates a zipped coat".
 
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cybele

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This is a really personal question so absolutely don't answer if you don't feel comfortable to, but does your husband have anger control issues?
 

Aimee McIntyre

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I would say so yes.

I would say that him demanding that she zip the coat is proof that he has anger issues, he has admitted that he has a short fuse.

He is trying to calm down but gets really frustrated at her not following the rule of zipping her coat, he says that its simple to do and that she should just get used to doing things that she hates doing.
 
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cybele

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Would he consider some kind of help with his issues?

To be hitting a child in the face is unacceptable, and to be getting angry about something as insignificant and petty as a zip on a coat is frankly, ridiculous. Something has to change.
 

akmom

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Good grief, it sounds like this coat is the most contentious thing in your family right now! Seriously, it seems to be the source of all evil. It creates tantrums when you tell her to zip it. It incites abuse when your husband tells her to zip it. It solicits bullies when she wears it to the park.

I think you need to take this coat into the back yard as a family, start a little fire, and burn it!

Normally I would say there are underlying issues, and maybe there are, but it really sounds like this coat has created more troubles than is reasonable for a coat. Maybe you can find another one, with buttons or snaps or ties or Velcro. Zippers just aren't worth all the drama.
 

singledad

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I tried thinking objectively about your situation, but I find it hard to stay distant and objective. The idea of someone slapping a child in the face about a coat zip just makes my blood boil. :mad:

Honestly, I think it ceased being about the coat weeks ago. It has now escalation to a full-blown battle of wills, where who wins is much more important that the status of the coat's zip. You husband will make her zip her coat at any coat, in order to assert his authority, regardless of what she wants, how she feels about it, or the effect it has on their relationship and on your family. She will refuse to zip her coat simply because she senses that her autonomy is being threatened, and she will resist that at any cost. Children instinctively resist being controlled. It's part of the process of them developing their own individuality.

Seriously - WHY does she HAVE to have it zipped up every time she goes outside? I thought is was about staying dry when it rains, but now it transpires that she has to zip it when she goes to play outside? WHY? Surely it doesn't rain 24/7? It really looks like your husband is just trying to make your daughter do what he says, regardless.

gets really frustrated at her not following the rule of zipping her coat
It's a ridiculous rule. I can understand 100% why she rebels against it. Why does the rule exist?

You know, when I was a kid I always believed that my father made up rules on the fly, just to have an excuse to slap us. You husband is seriously reminding me of this habit.

It's not a good memory. :mad:

Here's how I see it - the easiest way to get a child to rebel is to make up arbitrary rules that the child does not understand. The easiest way to get a child follow a rule, is to teach the child why it is beneficial for HER to do so. Of course, to accomplish that, it actually has to be beneficial...
 

Aimee McIntyre

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Akmom, as I have said a few times, she will only wear a zip up Regatta coat that has no buttons or velcro.

Singledad, I know its a strange rule and god knows why it has to be zipped when its on and no it doesn't rain 24/7. It should be about staying dry when it rains hence why I only ask, not demand, that she zip up but if she doesn't then she can't complain if she gets wet.

I have told him that his relationship with me and child is OVER because he can't control his anger, he smacked her again this afternoon over coat zip, she was getting very frightened of him, so from now on its only me and her, she doesn't want to see him again!
 
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singledad

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I'm sorry that it had to go that far, but you really need to stand up for your daughter and protect her. She needs you to! Hopefully he will come to his senses and make an effort to rebuild his relationship with his daughter... :(
 

Aimee McIntyre

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Well, today she came out of School with her coat on and fully zipped up, she then said to me "I only left my coat unzipped because Dad made a silly rule that it has to be zipped at all times, now I get to choose which makes me happier" so it was due to the silly rule that she didn't zip it.

For the whole of today, Kate was a lot happier and didn't take a single tantrum but she still asked for cuddles which is understandable.
 

Antoinette

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I'm sorry it came to that.

I actually do smack my children but only ever on the bottom and not very hard or very often. Felix can be a bit of a handful and will do things repeatedly just to get a rise out of me so if the other strategies aren't working I use the warning that if he does it again he will get a smack and be put into his room and then if he continues the behavior then I follow through with the punishment but it is never over something like not zipping a coat. It is usually over something like running onto the road, hitting his sisters etc. just things that could cause him or someone else serious damage. I usually do the time out corner method which I think world better for most things anyway.

Sorry your situation ended how it did. Hopefully your OH can control his anger issues and be involved in Your DD's life again :)
 

jimrich

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singledad said:
I'm not a spanker, but I don't believe that spanking in inherently harmfull. However, smacking a child on the ear is not what I see as spanking, and IMO smacking any person on the ear, ever, for any reason, is wrong. You can damage the eardrum, leaving her with permanent hearing loss. Punishment that can leave permanent damage is moving towards abuNot ok. Not ever.
If he has to smack, do it on her bottom.
And what does that teach ANY child? It sure didn't teach me anything other than to SNEAK behind my dad's menacing back to "do my thing"!

If he is going to smack her several times a day for something as stupid as a coat, he isn't teaching anymore, just dominating. He will only create fear, which in time will turn into rebellion and defiance. That's what any punishment, if applied too often, does. But then again, I don't think that physical punishment is ever really affective in the long run.
But it sure is satisfying for the sadistic Spanker and isn't that their objective anyway?

Seriously, if someone smacked my child on the ear, we would have a serious problem. :mad: Edited to add - There something about a slap in the face the screams contempt. It just says "you're nothing. You don't deserve respect..."
And one wonders WHY the non-abusivie parent both allows it or even ENCOURAGES this sadistic brutality? When I asked my mom why us boys were so savagely beaten she just said "Well, you both DESERVED IT!" I told her that we DESERVED TO BE HELPED not DAMAGED! LOL, she had NO COMMENT!

Aimee McIntyre said:
Kate wanted to go outside to play after Dinner today so he agreed but told her to put on, and zip up, her coat but she didn't want a coat so he smacked her and put her on naughty step for a few minutes. He then got annoyed at her when she came over to me crying after the smack, it was a really hard hit he gave poor child.
Did you do anything to STOP his abuse or HELP your defenseless child? Our pathetic mom NEVER stood up for her boys at any time or in any place!

Later on, at about half 9, she asked him if she could stay up another hour, he said no so she took a tantrum so like earlier, he gave her a hard smack, this time on the ear. She came over to me screaming, asking me to give her a big hug and to take her to bed, which I did, it took her about 10mins to calm down though, poor bairn :-(. When I went downstairs, I laid into him about smacking her to hard and told him to never hit her again as it may hurt her and also damage their relationship, I told him to use another form of punishment.
I solute you for FINALLY standing up to your psycho husband's abuses on behalf of your defenseless child!

I don't agree with smacking children btw, anyone on here agree and if so, what other form of punishment do you use, I favour a firm telling off?
I am not a parent but I'd sure find some better ways to HELP adequately socialize my kids! :)
 

jimrich

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cybele said:
This is a really personal question so absolutely don't answer if you don't feel comfortable to, but does your husband have anger control issues?
Aimee McIntyre said:
I would say so yes.
Do you, Aimee, have <I>FEAR</I> issues towards your ABUSIVE husband?

I would say that him demanding that she zip the coat is proof that he has anger issues, he has admitted that he has a short fuse.
He is trying to calm down but gets really frustrated at her not following the rule of zipping her coat, he says that its simple to do and that she should just get used to doing things that she hates doing.
He has WAY MORE than a short fuse! He needs some kind of psychotherapy, IMO.

singledad said:
I tried thinking objectively about your situation, but I find it hard to stay distant and objective. The idea of someone slapping a child in the face about a coat zip just makes my blood boil.
ME TOO!

Surely it doesn't rain 24/7? It really looks like your husband is just trying to make your daughter do what he says, regardless.
IMO, he's a very sick CONTROL FREAK and there is nobody else in the family to defend or protect this child from his INSANITY!

You know, when I was a kid I always believed that my father made up rules on the fly, just to have an excuse to slap us. You husband is seriously reminding me of this habit.
These men are both SICK but, most of society agrees with them!

Here's how I see it - the easiest way to get a child to rebel is to make up arbitrary rules that the child does not understand. The easiest way to get a child follow a rule, is to teach the child why it is beneficial for HER to do so. Of course, to accomplish that, it actually has to be beneficial...
OK, but this dad does NOT give a rip about what is "right"! He just wants fearful OBEDIENCE to help him feel: powerful, important, significant, IN CONTROL and HAPPY with him self as the strict master of his own CIRCUS!

Aimee McIntyre said:
I have told him that his relationship with me and child is OVER because he can't control his anger, he smacked her again this afternoon over coat zip, she was getting very frightened of him, so from now on its only me and her, she doesn't want to see him again!
This is the best news I've seen in this entire string so I heartily SOLUTE you and 3 cheers for you damaged child. Perhaps you will make sure the next man in her life is a little more SANE.

Antoinette said:
I'm sorry it came to that.
I actually do smack my children but only ever on the bottom and not very hard or very often.
I'm real sorry to read that and am interested to read what all your EXCUSES are for your abusive violations.
Felix can be a bit of a handful and will do things repeatedly just to get a rise out of me so if the other strategies aren't working I use the warning that if he does it again he will get a smack and be put into his room and then if he continues the behavior then I follow through with the punishment but it is never over something like not zipping a coat. It is usually over something like running onto the road,
That really is FUNNY! My brother and I used to wildly run through town without ever looking out for cars when out on our own. One time some CARING adults stopped us and, rather than a lecture, scolding or PUNISHMENT, these caring strangers sensibly explained to both of us what the dangers and consequences of our wild, mindless running could do to us and, BECAUSE THEY WERE KIND AND CARING, we took them seriously and STOPPED mindlessly running through intersections!
hitting his sisters etc. just things that could cause him or someone else serious damage.
I used to hit my little sister and diss her all because our ignorant parents FAILED to teach us kids to lovingly accept each other starting with my birth. I now see that we did NOT need to be hit but we needed to be HELPED to lovingly and respectfully accept our siblings! Hitting me NEVER helped me acquire any respect or love for my siblings - just more FEAR of our very stupid, negligent parents!
IMO, all of us kid's "issues" were the direct consequences of very bad, inadequate and IGNORANT parenting which passed for "good parenting" in those days ('40s to '50s). :confused:
 

jimrich

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TabascoNatalie said:
Hitting children is just wrong i've been hit, my DH has been hit, so we know not to inflict it on our boys. And they don't do anything to deserve being hit
LOL, glad you don't hit but exactly what <I>would</I> "deserve being hit"?

Aimee McIntyre said:
That was 1st time that he has smacked her on ear, he usually smacks her hard on bottom. He has said that he will let me deal with punishment, I usually just firmly tell her off, I have tried a naughty corner but can't keep her on it :-(. He is himself worried that she will damage their relationship if he carries on hurting her.
I'm astonished that he even cares!

The coat not being zipped is the one he punishes her most for but as I have said, she will zip if she is cold/wet but he doesn't agree because he has a rule that when a coat is on, it has to be zipped up, he usually zips it himself and then punishes her for moaning at him for it
getting zipped he just says "tough" when she says that she "hates a zipped coat".
He seems kind of SADISTIC to me! Glad you finally took steps to protect your defenseless child! XOXOXOXOOXOXXO :)