Please help you all are my last hope!!...

[Bluerose]

Hi everyone
First of all I'm not a mom- but I kind of found myself in this position and I am going insane!!
Basically I'm a college student, I have a ten year old sister who I take care of like a mother. Our mom has checked out of our life and i do everything- cook for her help with homework etc
My problem is she is so absolutely bratty-she expects me to get her meals in bed, literally stays all day on her iPad , throws tantrums for simple things like going to bed , doing her homework or even brushing her teeth.
I acknowledge that I'm not a saint myself and il definitely not a cuddly touchy-feely person I go out of my way to tell her I love her and care about her, however every time she gets angry she cusses at me and says I hate you you're a horrible sister I wish you weren't there and I find it really hurtful tbh.
Sorry about the wall of text I'm just really worried about her and insanely stressed what with classes and everything
Please help

 

[artmom]

First, I just want to say kudos for sticking around for sister. A parent is someone who has taken on parental responsibilities to a child. Therefore, you are a parental guardian.

However, you sound like you need some extra help and support. Is there family you can reach out to? Where is your father? Have you reached out to the school's guidance counsellor, your colleges or your sisters? Has your sister received counselling or therapy for the abandonment?
If not, those are something you need to consider in order to move forward.

For now, please realize that your sister may be one of those kids that needs a lot of comforting and may be looking for ways to request extra attention and love. Perhaps what she is asking for she was once getting from her mother before she took off.
The verbal negative expressions are coming from confusion, hurt, betrayal and pure anger. If she doesn't have anyone else to talk about her feelings she may direct it to the person nearest to her. She doesn't mean what she is saying towards you. She is not at an age where she can easily control such complex emotions.

Because this parenting duty was suddenly sprung onto you a parenting course could be beneficial. Ask your college if they have something on campus for that or they may give you a recommendation on where to go. I know there is a negative stigma attached to parenting classes, but there are parents out there that enroll in parenting classes, voluntarily, without any agency involved, to help themselves become better parents.

You mentioned that you're not a touchy-feely person. You don't have be physically affection a lot, but it's crucial that kids get hugged and comforted, at least some times, as it boosts their confidents and gives them security and a sense of trust.

Have you talked to your sister about anything regarding these issues? If not, you should. State clearly that even though your her sister, you are now her guardian and must take over the parenting responsibilities and that she needs to respect you as her guardian.

You should, also, seek counselling for yourself. This must be a taxing situation mentally and emotionally.

 

[Vdad]

Hun, as a college student, you're in way over your head here. I think the solution is to contact other adult family members and let them take over.

In addition to all the "Regular" growing up issues ten has, she also is undoubtedly struggling with..and acting out...the abandonment by your mom. This issue by itself is justification for a family approach, and also therapy to address the obvious emotional and behavioral manifestations of this trauma.

Call the rest of your family and tell them you cannot manage this and they need to take her. This situation isn't about your ability (or lack thereof), but simply a combination of the basic requirements of being a parent, and to a child with obvious emotional and behavioral challenges.

 

[Bluerose]

Thank you both for your kind answers
We live with my father however he works till eight at night and therefore isn't much help in the parenting department
Our extended family have been very kind and supportive however we are expats in a foreign country so they can only provide support on the phone
I realize I'm way in over my head but I don't really have too many options here- isn't there any way I can just make her listen to me???

 

[Vdad]

You can't "Make" anyone do anything. You can work with their resistance, but you need a professional here, maybe even more so with the new detail of being geographically separate from your family. Ten is reacting to a lot of stressful things here, I really don't see this as an issue easily addressed just by you.

I'd start by talking it over with your dad, he needs to find the time and the technique to intervene with her, you should be playing the supportive role. Right now..at best..that's reversed, and that needs to change. Direct your efforts at changing his behavior, not hers.