PND friend...

[evilbrent]

So, our friend has got a bit of PND - actually I think it's more like Post Natal Sad-Sack - we've known her forever, and now her life is falling apart with the arrival of her 4 month old daughter.

There's a whole shopping list of symptoms, but I won't bore you with the details - basically she's acting pretty sad, but mostly just an extension of the poor hard-done-by victimised passive-aggressive that she's always been, except now it's with sleep deprivation and an infant.

My wife really wants to help her - actually, she wants to FIX her - but we don't really know how to go about it.

She's arranged with the husband to go over and do some cleaning on the weekend (she's stopped doing housework) but other than that we don't have any ideas.

Basically, we agree that you can't just come out and tell someone they're being a bad parent, even if that's not what you're saying, you have to find a way to say "I'm just concerned about YOUR well being, I think I can help you to cope."

Any ideas on how to help someone snap out of a stress-spiral? The husband has flat out asked for our help, but we really don't know what to do.

 

[wildrose]

I suggest you get her to speak to her doctor. Post-Natal Depression often needs to be treated with a combination of medication, therapy AND support from friends and family. So convince her to see a doctor. Then continue with help and support with cleaning or offer to care for the baby for a few hours so she can sleep or go out and get a break.

Returning to work, if she hasn't already, might help a little too. Some women just can't stand being home alone all day. If returning to work is not option, encourage her to join a local Moms Club. It will help her get more social interaction and be able to bring the baby along too.

If she won't go see a doctor, check with the local hospital for programs and classes they offer. Maybe they have a talk you get her to attend, or even a parent/child play group that is attended by doctors. If you go with her, you may be able to start a conversation between her and the doctor about her symptoms and ambush her. It sounds underhanded but is in her best interest.

 

[evilbrent]

hmmm, thanks.

I think I was unclear - it's not really WHAT to do to help her so much as how to approach her. I mean, she's the sort of person that would bite your head off if you corrected her spelling or something, let alone hinted that she could be having trouble raising her own kid. We're talking sky high denial issues, as much as I love her.

Basically, while my wife plans to go over on the weekend I honestly don't think she'll get thanked for it. She's not asking for help, even though we can tell that she desperately needs it.

How do you help someone who is impossible to help?

 

[wildrose]

What ever you do don't say "I think you need help to become a good parent" or anything derogatory about her parenting skills. Make it all about her and her feelings. Try an approach like, "Since the baby was born, you seem more run down and even a little sad, what can I do to help you feel better?" That is a very gentle way to open the conversation. New moms in general often find it hard to ask for help. They feel like they should be able to do it all. If she says nothing, be more specific, "You look really tired, was the baby up a lot last night? I have all afternoon free, why don't you go lie down and I'll look after the baby for a while. I really don't mind!" Just make the conversation all about how you can help her feel better and be happier. The better parenting should take care of itself if her needs are addressed.

 

[fallon]

hmmm, thanks.

I think I was unclear - it's not really WHAT to do to help her so much as how to approach her. I mean, she's the sort of person that would bite your head off if you corrected her spelling or something, let alone hinted that she could be having trouble raising her own kid. We're talking sky high denial issues, as much as I love her.

Basically, while my wife plans to go over on the weekend I honestly don't think she'll get thanked for it. She's not asking for help, even though we can tell that she desperately needs it.

How do you help someone who is impossible to help?

well I would say if she tries to help and fails it is out of your wifes hands at that point. It's great to want to help a friend but you can run yourself into the ground trying to help someone that doesn't want it.

 

[FooserX]

Wasn't your wife borderline suicidal and depressed? Who is she to be helping anyone?? lol

 

[musicmom]

If she is in post pardum depression she most definitly might not be in the right state of mind. Since you can not force anyone to get help is there a way to anonymously put literature in her mailbox?? Then when you speak to her she may already be somewhat prepared. That's great that you are willing to help her. I think confronting her is worth the risk of her biting your head off. It's helping the child.

 

[jenilouise]

I really lik the make it about her approach.

 

[evilbrent]

thanks. Actually, apparently it went really well. She went there, got all hot and smelly walking around cleaning up her friend's house on a 35 degree day - and everyone felt better about it.

My wife reported back that our friend said "If I'd had ANY idea that being a parent was anywhere near this hard, I would have helped you guys heaps more when you had your kid."

 

[jenilouise]

Well that is good that your wife was able to help.

 

[hawtmama]

My next door neighbor went though this a little...she felt trapped at home with her 3 year old, and newborn twins while her husband worked ungodly hours all the time. Going back to work was not an option for her, and I wasn't going to offer to help clean her house, because she would surely see it as an insult.

The best thing I could do to help her was just try to get her out of the house more...get her feeling like normal again. I volunteered my husband to help her husband watch all the kids while her and I went to a movie. We also loaded up the kids in strollers as much as possible, and went for walks. Just little stuff to get her out of the house helped a lot.

We also volunteered a couple times to watch the kids so her and her hubby could get out alone without worrying about paying a babysitter ($$$ was/is tight, like it is for most people right now)